Thursday, December 9, 2010

Undeserving people given the only gift that truly matters

I feel small and insignificant when I think about all the people in this world. I am just one. Why would a perfect and Holy God want anything to do with me? I didn’t always think that way. I used to think, “of course God wants to be with me. I mean I am an angel compared to all of those sinners out there”. I know it sounds completely ridiculous and arrogant and just plain dumb. I really did think that God loved me more than some people. I hate that I’m even typing these words because they are just so wrong! I was stuck in the mind frame that I was a good person that only occasionally sinned therefore I was loved more by God. I didn’t know God very well.

You see God came to this world in the most humble way. He was born into a poor family and was laid in a manger full of hay. Not because that was just what they had back then, far from. We can sometimes think that our generation is different compared to way back when. No, that time had its well to do class just like we have. God chose that specific place and time for His glorious entry into our world. Why? I think one of the reasons was because God knows people and He knows how our minds work. We segregate and separate people, we give classes and statuses to everyone and then we judge them based on our own thoughts and ideas. To help us see that every person matters to God he came down as a poor carpenters’ son. Wow God who created the universe came down to His creation, just the thought that He would come down to dwell with us is mind boggling.

God came to this world for the sinners, and guess what we are all a part of that category! God doesn’t discriminate. God died for the murderers, the thieves, the sexually immoral, and for the ignorant people. God offered every human being the chance to repent and be partakers of His gift of eternal life, that can’t be bought by our good deeds. No matter how good we claim to be we are still not good enough to measure up to God’s perfect standard. God gave us life and then he gave us a choice to follow His way or go our own way and everyone has chosen at one point or another to go their own way. We are all sinners in need of a savior. Then God, knowing that we would chose wrong, sent His son to take on all our sin for us so that if we believed that He died for our sins we could be eternally with God in heaven. Wow! I just don’t know any other gift that compares to God’s gift of love in Jesus Christ.

Thank You God for Your forgiveness. God thank You for Jesus and thank You that You made a way of escape for me. You brought me out of my ignorance and restored my life. Please help us all to see You for who You truly are. We are nothing without You God. You are good and You are Holy and yet You wish to be a part of each and every person’s life. Belief in Your Son and repentance is the key to that relationship with You, father please help us all to sin no more. This Christmas I want to give You all of me. I want to submit all I am to You because You gave all for me. I love You Lord and I am forever in Your debt and that is a place I will be happy to stay for all my life, in Your precious Son’s name Amen.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The S word

It is definitely not what I wanted to hear but it was certainly what I needed! Submission, not a word you are just overjoyed to hear but without it you can't get a deeper relationship with our Lord. Jesus is the ultimate example of submission and brokenness. Brokenness, who wants that? The truth is you cannot, as hard as you may try, make yourself happy. Submission is part of God's perfect design for us but since we all are born into sin we all start off rebelling from God's perfect design for our lives because we think we know better and we want what we want.

Who did I think I was anyway? I really thought I knew better than God did. I thought I knew what I needed in my life because, well I'm me, duh. But wait a minute, step back from that thought girlie and ask yourself this question; Where were you when God first thought of creating the world? Where were you when God was forming you in your mothers womb? If you know what is best for your life then why didn't you just take the reins from the beginning and create yourself? Hmmm, interesting thought. The Lord revealed His Omnipotence to Job in Chapter 38 and now He was revealing it to me.

I wonder why it took me so long to see that? Oh yeah I'm a sinner. For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God (Rom 3: 23). So how does one submit to God's will for your life? Well first you need to start off with prayer and really ask for forgiveness for thinking you had any good ideas to offer... GOD... (really that's just ridiculous, God of the universes way or my way). Second get in the Word! You really can't know what His will is for you unless you know Him so open that BIBLE. Next pray some more. God is GOD and He will reveal Himself to those who cry out to Him for help. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from ALL my fears (Psalm 34:4). Then comes something that you need to do and that is have faith that He loves you. For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son that whoever believes in Him will not parish but have everlasting life (John 3:16). He gave you life and has been waiting for you for so long to let Him into every part of your life so He can do a good work in you. God is faithful and will finish the work He starts in you. Finally wait on the Lord! Don't rush into to anything please. Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matt 26:41)

Oh God I need you in my life because I just keep making a mess of things when I don't let You in or when I think I have a certain aspect of my life under control. God You are God and You know me better then I know myself. Save me from myself God and take control of my life I give it all to You. Please teach me Your ways and help me to hear from You because my mind can be my own worst enemy. Father forgive me for my sins and help me to submit to Your authority God! In Jesus name AMEN.

One more little thought, if you want to know more about submission check out K.P. Yohannan's book Touching Godliness through Submission. It is a great book but don't rush through it you need to take it in slowly maybe one chapter at a time. And keep praying Love ya.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Kenny and I went Kayaking for our 8th anniversary. We had such an amazing time! We went up to the San Juan Islands and paddled around for 6 hours admiring God's beautiful creation hoping to spot some killer whales. We didn't see any whales but we did see a few bald eagles and a couple sea lions and a rare star fish. Our guide was the kind of person that has so much enthusiasm for his job that it just spilled over to everyone who was on the tour. It was a major workout even though Kenny did most of the work. I told him to stop paddling so I could see how far I could take us, but we barely moved. It was no surprise to my husband and he just said, "I didn't marry you for your brute strength." He's defiantly the muscle's in our relationship! We are already planning our next amazing adventure for our 9th anniversary. This anniversary will defiantly go down in Johnson family history as the best date ever. Thank You God for an amazing day and thank You for my husband. I love you Kenneth Johnson!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

How did I let this happen? I gave up on faith because of fear. I have been struggling with my thoughts again and wondering why, instead of trusting in the Lord. I have been a fool! I don't know why I let this happen but I know how to stop it. God I give my life back to You. I was being selfish and ungrateful. I am sorry please forgive me. I don't care why things are the way they are any more. I don't want to try to figure it out. I give it all to You God. Your ways are better than my own and I trust You no matter what the future holds. You are patient and loving. Thank You for the gentle correction and for Your forgiveness. Please help me to get through these days that are ahead and lead me down the path that You choose. I need You in my life to be my fortress of defence. I love You and all You have done for me. Thank You for Jesus and for my life.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

An Unwelcoming Sky

Holly and I walked out the front door on our way to pick Keegan up from school. We were greeted by an unwelcoming sky that was as dark as I had ever seen. We quickly got into the car as the first few drops of rain fell from that mean sky. Thunder rolled and boomed and we knew we had left in the nick of time. The air inside the car was heavy and warm probably because the windows had been rolled up all day. I cracked the front two windows to relieve some of the humid pressure as we headed for our destination. The wind howled fiercely and trees were forced to bow before the winds mighty power. The rain started falling harder as if to challenge the winds strength. I pulled up to the school and parked behind what seemed like a mile long stretch of cars all waiting to pick up their precious cargo. I grabbed my umbrella and dared to open my car door but I quickly retreated as the wind threatened to blow my door right off its hinges. Once more I attempt to exit the safety of my car and try to use my umbrella as my shield. I couldn't even open my umbrella fully because as soon as I reached for that final click to lock the umbrella opened the wind tried to close it back up. I jumped out and closed my car door and opened Holly's door. "I think you better wait in the car," I said to my adventure seeking daughter. She wasn't intimidated by the wind and rain, "I want to come." "OK but hurry up, lets go," I said with a voice of warning. We got to the curb and the wind blew harder and the rain pounded the two of us as we started to run. My weak little umbrella began flapping up and down as we got closer to the gate where the children would wait for their parents. "Keegan." "Keegan!" I yelled to get his attention. The other parents were retreating back to their cars with soggy little children. Keegan was actually using his hood, a rare sight indeed. He ran to me and Holly and we turned back to the car that seemed so far away. "How was school buddy," I asked loudly. He answered me but I couldn't hear what he said. The wind and rain were attacking viciously now and we knew we had to run. I struggled to keep my trembling umbrella under control as we ran down the wet side walk. Thunder boomed once more as we finally made it to the car. "Hurry up get in!" I closed their door and walked around to the driver side and flung open my door. I jumped in without closing my wimpy umbrella. Fighting to close the beaten old thing, I finally got in the car. I breathed a sigh of relief and let out a little laugh. "Wow we!" We had made it back to the safety of our car. I hit my left turn blinker to pull out and head home. The adventure had ended and as we drove home the rain began to ease up though the remnant of its attack was prevalent all over the ground. We were sopping wet and laughing at what just happened. We pulled up to the house and Kenny greeted us warmly with a big smile from the front porch. "Holy smokes was that crazy or what?" Kenny held the door open as we walked inside and we all started telling him our own version of what happened on our fifteen minute trip to pick up Keegan.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Run away cart!

I just want to write. I have this desire to write and sometimes I have no idea what to write. It can be very frustrating you know. I wish all I had to do was sit here if front of my computer and type these thoughts that come into my head, that would be amazing for me scary for you ha ha. So I have been in school now for about 2 and a half weeks and I have already failed one quiz. I really can't believe it. I am however getting a very good grade in my English& 101 class. I love writing but I hate writing in response to reading. We have to read this book and then respond to it. Yuck! I really need to memorize the parts of the body for my AP test on Monday but instead I'm just typing away like I have nothing else to do.

I have been out of school for so long it seems like I forgot how to study or lost the ability. I really am trying but every time I sit down to read my psychology book I start to fall asleep. It's not my fault I'm old now. I don't know. Maybe it is me, I have been in slow motion for a couple of days now and I can't seem to shake it. Seriously I was at the grocery store today and I took me like 30 minutes just to get out of the car. You think I'm exaggerating but I'm not. I was just sitting there thinking. Not about anything in particular just thinking. Then once I got in the store I was totally in my own little world. I skipped around the isles with no direction. I finally made it back to my car with my shopping cart full and started to put groceries in the back. I was trying to make it all fit so when I took a corner it wouldn't spill over (I hate that). I turned around to get another bag out of my cart when I noticed my cart was gone. It had rolled halfway back to the store before I turned around. I heard a cart rolling but didn't think it was mine. A nice lady brought it back for me and I just said, "oh my gosh I'm sorry, thanks for grabbing my cart." Wow, can you say "space cadet." I really need to focus on something or we will all be in real danger!!!

For now I guess I'll just hit the sack and pray tomorrow will be better. I really need to get it together, I have to get it together! Oh Lord help me to get it together please I beg you! I am stumbling around down here like I just learned to walk. I need you to hold my hands and lead me down this road. I can't do it alone I need your help. I am nothing with out you, save me from myself I pray in Jesus name Amen!!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

So do I need to take notes?

I left my psychology class tonight baffled. My teacher showed us a film and it's main focus was, what we think we know we don't really know. The film was a threat to our history books because of some new evidence that was found that could possibly destroy the theory of how our country was founded. After the film the teacher continued to teach us the history of psychology and I began to wonder. "If the film you just showed us was an attempt to get us to question our belief of what we've been taught thus far through our history books, then why do you think we should believe your teaching"? It made sense to me. How do we trust anything these days? We are taught one way for so long and then someone comes by and says, "no that's not the way anymore this is the way". What's the point? Why do we need to know anyways? I wish things were simple. Praise God His ways are so simple.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A fun little testimony

You gave me a husband to cherish and honor all our days through, but foolish I was and quite selfish too. I wasted such time and the minutes were many the one's that flew right passed me and my Kenny.

I was hurt and confused, lost and alone, I waited all day for him to come home. The work day had ended and refreshing he needed, but not till I told him how I was depleted.

Since morning had dawned and your children woke up, I slaved and I slaved, and now I'm fed up. Don't you walk away, no stay and just listen, to all I will say and no we're not kiss en'.

God help this man to see who I am, and please make him love me the way I demand. I can't live like this anymore I mean it we're through. Get out of here Kenny right now please do.

I'm sick of this fighting and you just don't see. God please tell me why you forgot about me? Husband's and wife's are supposed to just know, they don't need to force it or work at it so.

Then God showed up when I wasn't lookin', You see all along His plan had been cookin'. He whispered to Kenny of Superbowl fun to be had at the Peckham's when church service was done.

My God had done it, He saved my man, but little did I know of His fantastic plan.

Now God was working in our hearts and minds, He placed by me Jenny the greatest of finds. She told me to be thankful and pray all day through, and she listened to me like a mother would do.

She helped me to read to learn and to grow, with prayers and thanksgiving, God's word would soon show, all of these things that plagued me before would soon be the things that would help me mature.

Love peace and joy would fill up my heart, and I came to see that it all played a part. We are made new, a creation of God's, all we had come through, a couple at odds.

Kenny and I are happy now it's true and we only wish to give the glory to You. So praise be to God for the work that you do. Help us all to see your goodness and kindness shine through.

Thank you my Savior my Lord and my King. You have become our everything. The God of great love and miracles too, I pray you would continue to grow us in You.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Have you ever forgotten your cell phone at home? All day you have that feeling like you didn't fully dress before you left the house and now your exposed. I felt strange all day. I couldn't pull my phone out to check the time or check to see if I had any text messages. I was disconnected from the world and vulnerable as I drove south bound on I-5. Then my car alerted me that I was running low on fuel.

"Great, just what I need." "No cell phone in case of emergency, and now I'm running out of gas and I still have a long way to go." Perfect! I was irritated but I calmly took the next exit in hopes I would run into a gas station. After about 5 minutes of driving around and three more low fuel beeps later, I started to get worried.

"God please don't let me run out of gas out here without a cell phone," I thought. I started to talk out loud to reassure myself of God's promises. Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

"OK, I'm OK, not going to freak out, I'm just going to pray." "Lord please help me to find a gas station, God I don't want to run out of gas." "I need You to lead me to a gas station Lord quickly." "I know You are with me and I don't need to worry about this situation, thank You for that." "You already knew this would happen and You have heard my prayer." "God I pray that if I do run out of gas that You would use it for Your purpose and help me to get through....."

"Anytime now Lord, I'm ready to receive Your merciful answer to my prayer."

"Really God anytime now."

By this point I have 10 miles to go till I'm empty. "OK, God I'm going to just ask this nice lady pushing a baby stroller if she knows where to find the gas station." I wasn't going to get out of my car in an unfamiliar place without a cell phone. So I just pulled up next to this non threatening mom and her baby and asked if she could point me in the right direction. She gladly told me how to get to the gas station.

Praise God! Now I just hope I make it. At long last I pulled into that beautiful Chevron station and breathed a sigh of relief.

Ahhh, thank You God I'm here and strangely enough I actually had money in my wallet. Twenty five dollars ought to get me to my final destination. That's when I saw him. I stepped out of my car and there was a man trying to swindle money from people at the pump.

"Oh gee whiz," I thought to myself, "these people are everywhere, asking for bus fare and always with these sob stories." Of course I had already determined in my mind not to look at him and if he did approach me I was not going to give him my money. I barely had enough for gas for myself. How could I just hand it off to some guy because he tells me a sob story. I heard them all before, besides I have a sick husband and 3 children at home I'm trying to support on what little I had. No, I'm not going to fall for it this time. I will be ready for him. I just started pumping my gas when he addressed me and walked over.

"Hello miss, I was wondering if I could just show you something real quick," he said. He opened up this blue folder and pointed to the first page. I tried not to pay attention but one word stood out to me from that page, "Samuel." "I am a christian writer," he continued, "and I wrote this screen play and some producers in California really like it, they said if I can get down there they would take a look at it." "I was wondering if you would be able to spare a little to help me pay for the bus fare down there, this is really important to me."

It was original I'll say that much. I don't think I've heard that one before. He was an older gentlemen and seemed nice enough. He was dressed clean with a blue coat and a Bennie hat covering his head. He didn't appear to be drunk or impaired by any substance.

"I'm sorry," I said, I am barely making ends meet as it is." Then he said, "Even some spare change would be helpful." I was like a stone, I wasn't going to budge. "I'm sorry I wish I could, good luck though." Then I watched him walk away.

I finished pumping gas and then I got back in my car and headed for I-5. Then I realized I was right by the freeway entrance. Wow, I can't believe I drove around for so long looking for the gas station and it was right here the whole time. I think I must have circled this block twice how could I have missed that. That's strange, I guess I wasn't paying attention. Maybe You had other plans for me Lord. That's when it hit me, like a ton of bricks dropped right in my lap as I merged onto the freeway. "Oh no!" "Did You want me to be at that gas station at that specific time Lord?" "Oh please don't tell me You wanted me to give that man money." "OH NO!!!" "I blew it didn't I?" "I can't believe it that whole time I'm begging You to have mercy on me because I was lost and I needed a gas station and you led me there despite my blind eyes that missed it twice, and then I turn my back on someone who needed something from me."

I felt horrible, I mean really horrible. God had given me an opportunity and without a second thought and without ever stopping to ask Him what I should do, I cut off my compassion receptor and missed a chance to help someone. I turned the radio down and started to ask God for forgiveness. I asked Him to redeem that missed opportunity. I really messed that one up, but God is bigger than my stupidity, able to redeem lost time and missed opportunities. Oh thank You God for forgiving me and I pray for that man Lord, I pray You would provide the bus fare for that man if it is Your will God.
I kept thinking about the man and his little blue binder. The word "Samuel" was the only thing I looked at on the page he showed me. That name reminds me of a story in 1 Samuel chapter 3. God called to a boy named Samuel. Samuel was young and didn't realize it was the Lord calling him so he went into Eli's room and said, "Here I am." Three times the Lord called and three times Samuel ran into Eli's room because he thought Eli must have called him. Finally Eli told Samuel to go back and lie down and if you hear the call again say, "here I am Lord, for Your servant hears." Samuel did just what Eli said and God spoke to him. I wish I could hear God's voice as clearly as Samuel did. I wish I could go back and pay closer attention to what was going on.
I guess I'll never know what could have been, but I do know that I will never forget that long drive home. A little later I turned the radio up and the first words I heard were from a Toby Mac song. "If we loose our way we get back up again, it's never too late to get back up again." "We might be knocked down but not out forever." Wow, though I lacked compassion, God still had compassion for me. He loves me and used those words to bring comfort to my heavy heart. I hope the next time I pay closer attention.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Finally Set Free!

I am a sinner, big shock right, we all are. I came from a very traumatic childhood and because of my experiences I learned to cope with my life rather than enjoy it. I put up walls around my heart to keep it safe instead of relying on the Lord to be my fortress of defense. God wants to be our shield and our strength but often times we take matters into our own hands. In my case I became very depressed and dark negative thoughts would cloud my mind every second of the day. I was not a helpless bystander by any means, I invited these thoughts in. I remember how I would be sitting in the back seat of the car looking out the window at a beautiful summer day and all I could think about was, "What if we crashed and I was paralyzed and had to live in a wheelchair the rest of my life?" Crazy thoughts that were scary at times and I kept allowing them to fill me with fears and torment my life. I was addicted to my thoughts, they were a drug I didn't want to quit. After years of torment I started to think I was going crazy, this cant be what life is all about. I knew I was a slave to this way of living but as hard as I tried I couldn't get free. I lost control and I was sure I would end up in an insane asylum. Just as all hope seemed lost, I cried out to God. After years of torment and failed attempts to change my self, I asked God to fix me and help me to change and He answered my prayers. I started to seek Him diligently and I was finally set free! It wasn't a quick fix by any means because I had to learn to live differently. God has shown me a love I never thought I could have and I certainly don't deserve. I can't say I never have a negative thought but when I do I know where to go for help.
Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, WITH THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
It was the "with thanksgiving" part I struggled with but I found there are many reasons to be thankful if we take the time to think about it.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-MEDITATE on these things.

I had to really work on the meditating on GOOD things, because I was so use to dwelling on the negative things, but with God all things are possible.

1 John: 18-19
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us.

Ask the Lord to show you His amazing love and just wait on Him because He is faithful.

Isaiah 43:18
Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

God knows what this world can do to His children and His word says if we believe that He sent His only Son to die on the cross for our sins than we shall be forgiven. He promises to do a work in our lives that will be for our benefit if we seek Him. Shall we not know it? Don't miss out on the adventure of your life by sitting back and feeling sorry for your self.

1 John 5:4-5
For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world--our Faith! Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

Seek God and you will find you have been set free. Don't stop at the set free part keep walking with Him because I know this life would ruin me if I lived it apart from the One who created it.
There are so many wonderful verses but I'll let you look up the rest.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

"The Good Life"

Last night was one of those psalm 73 kind of nights. I was feeling a little sorry for myself and started asking the Lord, why? Why did it seem like our family in particular was suffering many trials? It was like I had to sum up my life for the Lord in case He missed it or hadn't realized the trials we were dealing with.

 I was feeling a little cheated, I hate to say it. All I ever wanted out of life was to live simply and happily with my husband. I would raise our children in a nice 2200 square foot rambler with a white picket fence and a dog, maybe even a cat, would wander the 5 acres our house sat on. My husband would go to work and I would stay home. We would go to church on Sundays and all holidays, and take family vacations once a year.

 I could go on but you get the idea. It seemed like a lot of people had our dream and were living it out right in front of us as if to rub salt in an open wound. Not only that but a few of these weren't faithful followers of Christ, so I guess my faith was being tested. I have even heard once or twice from a family member, "I don't want to add more craziness to my life I have enough to deal with," in response to my question, why don't you choose God.

I know I'm not the only one to go through trials and feel this way. I just wanted an explanation from the One who aloud it to be. Why me God? Why my family? I asked my husband the same question and he asked if I wanted to pray about it. Why, I thought, I already asked God and He didn't have much to say. But we prayed anyways and to my great surprise I heard the answer loud and clear.

Why are you complaining? You have a husband who loves you and prays with you every night and 3 beautiful children, a roof over your heads in a great location, and most importantly you have your Faith in Jesus Christ who died for your sins so you could have eternal life in heaven. Not only that but God wants more from me because He loves me and wants to use me in His plans.

We like to call that conviction. I had a great life all along. My life might not look like the magazine pictures of what the world deems "The Good Life", but I was guaranteed the eternal life when I excepted Jesus into my heart. I don't have to worry about tomorrow because should tomorrow not come I would be safe in the hands of my Lord who would carry me to my home in heaven.

Where would I be without God? Oh yeah if you've read my previous blogs you and I both know where I would be. Depressed and feeling along, probably divorced and angry at the world. Who wants that? Not me. Lord forgive me for feeling sorry for myself. I have been so blessed. Help me never to forget all the wonderful ways You've shown Your love for me. You have delivered me out of my past and gently corrected me along the way. You have held my family together through such adversities. You have kept us strong. You have made me new. The words of a song say it best: "I'm so unworthy but still You love me, forever my heart will sing of how great you are". "All glory honor power is Yours Amen".

Monday, January 11, 2010

Beauty from pain?

I have been given a gift. A chance to see life as it really is. Most people go their whole lives and never really know how to live. Moments are precious and are gone in the blink of an eye. I feel privileged to have received this kind of gift. I have been changed by it and I will never be the same. Thank you Lord for this gift.
I'm not the only one to have received such a gift nor will I be the last. What is the gift? Longsufferings, pain, heart ache, trials.
They are given to us throughout our life time. They are hard to receive at first, because they are not wraped with ribbons and bows. Hidden in side these gifts are valuable treasures. Unfortunately most people miss the treasures hidden in side because they don't like the way the gift is wrapped.
Trials, thats crazy right? But it's true. A very good friend reminded me of the gift of trials tonight and I was blown away by that thought. I have spent a majority of my life being angry and depressed about the trials in my life because there were just so many. I was overwhelmed and confused because the first trial I can remember is one I had wished I could forget since I was nine. Maybe I should be a little more clear. The trial it self was not the gift but the beauty that came from the trial was. How can there be beauty in any trail? I have seen a lot of trials in my life and I am sure most of you can relate. This world is full of sickness and sinners, murderers and thieves, heart ache and pain, addiction and depression, deceivers and perversions. That's just a fact and I can grantee that every single person out there has experienced many of these things personally. Did you notice that? I said everyone, does that give you a clue to how beauty can come from pain? We have so much in common with one another if we'll just open ourselves up and share.
I believe in redemption and forgiveness and I only know of One man who came to redeem the world. I can not say His name enough, Jesus. Jesus died on the cross for the sin of the world. That means if you live on this planet, YOU have been saved, will you take the hand of the One who is the Truth the Life and the Way? This world has offended us and hurt us and tried to kill us, but God loves us and sent His Son to die for us. There will be a judgment day for those who sinned in this world and did not choose God's Way, and there will be an eternal punishment. Shouldn't there be? You and I know how much sin can hurt, and someone should pay, right? Rest assured a price has been paid and the battle over sin has been won.
But back to my statement on beauty from trials. I know a love now that is unfailing and unconditional. It took me a while to find it because I was looking in all the wrong places and placing my faith in all the wrong people. God has shown me a love I never thought I could know. I have been so overwhelmed by His love for me that I could explode. So I think I will! I can hardly keep from blogging about my love. My trials have equipped me with experience on the front lines of life and now I have to get back out there and tell everyone who is hurting and afraid, lost and alone, of this wonderful love and redemption. Listen, I can tell you some stories! God has been leading me all along through this war zone called life. I am not a product of my past or my pain. I know how it feels to be depressed and alone. I finally gave it all to God and said, "Here is my baggage, you said you can make me new and take away my pain, do it and be my Lord and Savior, lead the way because I've tried and failed and I cant do it any more." "I'm tired and confused lost and alone and no one understands me." "Help me please because I cant take it any more." So that's it. Love overflowing from God was found in the midst of my trials. He aloud me to experience these things so I would be able to see others who were hurting and dealing with hardships and pain and be able to tell them about the One who saved me from a world of sin.
I am not the same just ask my sister. So are they, "Trials or Blessing"?
There is no other way I know, no not one.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

This Circus Called Life

Lord I love you so much. Thank you for letting me be apart of your wonderful plan. God I pray you would stand guard at my mouth and forbid any words that are not from you. I pray you would forgive me if in hast I say things I shouldn't. My only desire is to bring glory to Your name. Help me to pray always and hear when you speak. I found my greatest love in You and I never want to forget how you saved me from myself. In Jesus name Amen.

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27

We know God created us right? It says so three times in this one verse. A perfect God created us, so what happened? We all know the story of how sin entered into the world when a serpent deceived a women, who then persuaded a man, who without thinking of the consequences, ate the apple.

Why do you think such a thing happened? Maybe, in our arrogant minds we thought we were smarter than the One who created us? Maybe, we were just set on going our own way?

Either way when God said "Do not", we disobeyed. Enter sin. Goodbye Eden. We have a major genetic disorder passed down since the beginning of time. Tack on a few thousand generations and, talk about your dis-functional family, we've added so much more sin its not even funny.

So why do we wonder what went wrong in our own lives? "How did I end up like this?" You know all the thoughts you think when your trying to blame someone else for all your flaws and failings. Let me just remind you we are not in Eden anymore and Earth is not as friendly a place.

Sin hurts. Not just the one who is doing the sinning but it reaches far beyond that single person and touches family and friends and generations to come.

So why does the circle of sin keep spinning round? When will we choose to get off the ride? I wonder if there is anyone who can stop the insanity?

Oh wait I know One. His name is Jesus, and He put a stop to the Ferris wheel of sin over two thousand years ago, if we choose to get off the ride and follow Him. Once you step off the ride, expect some dizziness and even the occasional stumble and fall. But know that you are in good hands now. For if you are weak, He will give you strength. If you fall down He will lift you up. If you are sad, He will give you comfort. No more nausea and vomiting on the ride from hell, you have been set free. So rejoice and forget the hurt of the past but learn from your mistakes. And never be deceived or persuaded to sin, and always think of the consequences.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

One long night

Wednesday night was an amazing night. Our church had an evening of worship and it was such a blessing to be there. The songs were powerful and moving, they lifted our spirits and filled our souls. What a joy it was to hear a multitude of voices singing praises to the One who created it all. I wished the night would never end as did many others that were there. Alas we had to face the reality of our responsibilities that would surly come in the morning, so reluctantly we all headed home. Little did I know the night was far from over.

It's funny how things just happen sometimes and there seems to be no rhyme or reason for it. Kenny had another seizure that night and it was one that left him feeling very afraid.

I think it had only been 10 or 15 minutes since Kenny had gone to bed when he came out of the bedroom. He was walking a little funny and was pale as a ghost. I asked if he was OK but received no answer. I asked again and again until I realized something was happening. He was twitching sporadically on mostly the right side of his body and he had this very confused expression on his face.
I walk over to him and got him to sit down, and with a strange kind of calmness I tried to get him to respond. He struggled for what seemed like forever to get some words to come out, and finally when I asked if he wanted me to call a doctor he responded with a firm but shaky, "yes". I knew I needed to get him to the hospital so I called Naomi and said,
"I think I need you, I think Kenny had another seizure".
I could tell she was already in bed but without hesitation she said,
"OK I'm on my way".

After I hang up the phone Kenny was finally able to tell me what happened. He said he had just laid down and was beginning to say prayers in his head when he started repeating himself over and over again. Then his eyes started fluttering rapidly, and he said it was like his thought proses had completely shut down and he couldn't even think. He said it was so scary.

I cant imagine what that must have felt like. Think about it, your brain, the organ in your body that controls all the other organs, and allows you to think and write and talk and feel has just had a major malfunction. You are still aware but not in control at all. The thought of that scares me too.

In an earlier blog I wrote about a friend of ours that suffered from a horrible seizure just this past December. Kenny was standing maybe ten feet off when his friend hit the ground and began to shake. Though he had experienced a serious seizure, Kenny had little recollection of the event that rocked our family almost a year ago on January 26th 2009. Seeing some of the more severe effects of a seizure just recently, has caused us to feel all kinds of different emotions.

I shared with you about my fear of the unknown, I have to say my fear of loosing my husband and raising my children on my own seems small when paired with Kenny's fear of not being able to use his brain to think or communicate.

Do I believe that God is big enough to help us over come even this? Yes I do.

In one of Pastor Ron's sermons he talked about a study that was being done on the brain and whether or not the brain in some way caused the mind. These doctors and scientists went through years of research and spent tons of money trying to figure out what we as believers already know. Our brains may control our body but our spirit is separate, and only temporarily encased in this human shell.
Check out this site if your interested in more on our spirit-body-soul. I don't pretend to know all there is to know about the spiritual nature of man but this site might be able to give you more than I can.

What Kenny and I both realized through this ordeal was that though he had no way of communicating or thinking during this very scary event, he was still very much aware. That just proves that we may physically experience pain or disabilities in our bodies but our spirit is a completely separate part of us. Our bodies may become weak and die but our spirit will live on.

Death does not discriminate and all of us will face it sooner or later.
1 Corinthians 15: 22, For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive.
John 3: 16-17, for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

What more do we need to know? The Word of God is proven and we need to ask ourselves do we believe, or not?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


OK this might sound crazy, but I'm afraid of things you cant see.

Maybe it's not that crazy because if you think about it there are so many things you cant see; like the wind, you cant see it but on a stormy night it can make you very afraid. The future is something else you cant see and it too can be very scary.

Fear is a hard thing to over come, especially fear of the unknown. I struggle a lot with fear of the unknown. The future to me is a scary place so I try not to think about it too often. Many of you know my husband, almost a year ago, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Since that time the Lord has done wondrous works. God has provided so much in this past year financially, emotionally and miraculously.

I have learned so much in this past year and grown so much closer to God through this very difficult time. Although my mind still wonders off to" what if land", I can usually snap out of it quickly through prayer.

On January 12th Kenny and I will go to the hospital for another MRI to see if there is any regrowth of the cancer. It seems every time an MRI date approaches I find myself feeling very scared. I don't even realize it when it first comes on because it sneaks up on me when I'm just going through my day. Sometimes I don't even want to acknowledge that it's there because I want to be so strong and not be swayed by this fear.

The problem is if I don't acknowledge my fear it doesn't go away but finds another way to show it's ugly face. Unfortunately fear is real and very powerful. It can bring the strongest person to their knees in an instant. Try as we may to avoid it, or pretend fear has no affect on us, the truth is we must deal with it.

Facing our fear is the only way to over come it. How do we face our fear when we're afraid of it? When my children are afraid of the dark they come to me and want to be held. I will hold them for a time and then together we face the darkness and they find strength and trust me when I say, "there is nothing in this room that will hurt you".

Thank God we don't have to face our fears alone, He is with us and wants to help us if we will only seek Him. I found these words of wisdom to help me face my fear :

Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones once said, "The result of worrying about the future is that you are crippling yourself in the present." And Corrie ten Boom added, "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength."

Philippians 4:6-7
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Isaiah 43:1-3
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Now all we have to do is trust the word of God. 
Lord I pray that you will help me over come my fears of the unknown and that I would be able to trust you. God please give me the courage to deal with my fear and not to pretend it's not there. God with you all things are possible and I believe you will carry me through whatever my future holds. Please continue to keep Kenny healthy and strong and thank you for all you have done for us. You are mighty Lord and your word says that You are love and perfect love cast out all fear. God cast out my fear and show me your perfect love. With God on my side what shall I fear? In Jesus name Amen!

To all the women at Coffee Talk and Pastor Ron, the Spirit of fear has left the building, thanks be to God.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Out of Control

What do I have Lord that I am not using for Your glory? Help me to make a decision to use what you have given me so that I will not lose what I have. When I look at my life I see chaos and distractions that keep me in a state of not moving. I am overwhelmed by my life and I get frustrated and frozen. How do I over come my unproductive life? Where do I begin? I am seeking you desperately and I beg you please answer my prayer. God I am tired of my unorganized and messy life, It makes me sad and depressed and I feel like I’m missing you Lord and Your will for me. Help me God I need you so badly to clearly direct me every step of the way.
What a prayer. I remember how that felt to be so desperate for change and unable to move because of all the distractions of life. Every second of the day escapes you as you frantically try to balance and juggle all the responsibilities of life without loosing control. 
What does the world offer for those of us who do loose control: The answer to that question could be found in a small pill. Just tell a doctor how you feel and you are on your way to a diagnosis of depression or worse. If that’s not you cup of tea maybe you would prefer a drink to drowned out your sorrows, perhaps some marijuana is just the thing to comfort your soul after a long hard day at work. 
It’s not hard to see where this is going. Substance abuse is not the only way we try to solve our problems. Lets take a look into our life and see where we find our remedy for our problems. Could it be in the books we read or the shows we watch on T.V.? A nice long episode of somebody else’s crazy life is just the thing we need to feel better. Maybe you’re a gambling fool who thinks somebody has to win might as well be me. Video games, shopping, eating, sex, you name it and we can become addicted to it in the attempt to ease our troubled minds. 
The book of Ecclesiastes says it all; “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity”. We do everything and anything to cure ourselves from our messy lives to be something or someone we wish we were and never dealing with the cause of our failing and flawed lives. 
Everyone at one point or another has found something to ease the pain of life and for some crazy reason they think they are still in control, but the sad truth is most have become slaves to these mind altering substance or addictions to food or fantasy or whatever the case may be. We would rather be lost in our indulgences than face reality. These things we do to cope with our life are empty and futile attempts and they leave us feeling depressed and alone. 
Depressed and alone, a place I am too familiar with and one I will never return to.
I wrote this prayer when I was fed up with my life and the way I was living it. Nothing seemed to make any sense, everything was out of control and I was lost in the middle of a fog so thick that I couldn't see past my nose. I didn't know how to fix my problems but I was on a search to find someone who knew. But after years of searching and waiting for someone to give me the answers to all of my problems, 
I came to a cross roads. 
I could continue down a road that only left me feeling alone and depressed or go the road less traveled. What is the road less traveled? It’s one that shows you all of your imperfections and flaws and brings to light all of your past hurts and regrets and all those skeletons in the closet that you sealed up so tightly within yourself, the ones you swore you would never tell anyone about. I guess that’s why it’s the road less traveled. Who wants to face all of that? 
We spend our time trying to forget all of that yucky stuff, we medicate our minds with things we think can help us to live peaceful and happy lives so we can pretend all is fine and dandy. We become something we never dreamed we would be, a creature of habit, one who copes with life rather than lives it. I guess that’s where I found myself, a slave to things that happened, trying so hard to cope but I was loosing the battle. I had to give up on myself because I was in over my head.
The road I chose was to believe that God sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins. In return God forgave all my sins and His word promises eternal life. Why any one wouldn’t take that deal is beyond me, maybe like me others just didn’t want to face their ugly sinful life. maybe they didn't know they needed a Lord and Savior. 
I always knew of the story of Jesus. As a child I grew up in a catholic church. I remember hearing about Jesus and thinking that since I knew the story I would be saved. I had not really excepted Jesus into my heart to be the Lord of my life, I guess I didn’t know I needed to. After all I prayed to God whenever I needed him and when I didn’t I left him out of it and tried to handle my life myself. 
I know now that God desires a relationship with me and wants to lead me through this life. The Lord of the universe wants to be with me and love me. That astonishes me, because I could hardly stand to be with me. Unconditional love flows from God the father to all his children. His only desire is for us to love Him and to believe in His son Jesus who took on the sins of the world so that we might be reconciled to our father in heaven. 
 What a joy it is to know I never have to handle my life on my own again. God will always be with me. The road isn't an easy one but it's rewards are far grater than anything this world has to offer. And who knows if tomorrow will come, nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. All I know is I finally started to enjoy my life and I stopped taking all of the blessings of the Lord for granted. 
 I love the words of Amazing Grace; "I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see." I pray you too would see all the Lord had blessed you with. I pray that you choose God today and give up the battle and let the Lord lead you from this life into the next.

Friday, January 1, 2010

What in the world?

For the last couple of days I've been thinking about life, everyone does from time to time. I've been thinking, "what are we doing here"? And not in a hopeless state of mind do I say this, but with genuine concern and curiosity as to whether or not I am doing any good for anyone in this life. I know as a christian and a sinner that I am over joyed to be here for God's purpose. I guess my question is, am I doing enough?

You've probably thought the same thing and I wish I could hear what your thoughts were. I was at the hospital visiting a friend, he is 29 years old. All of a sudden one day at work he had a seizure and dropped to the ground. He has been in the ICU since December 17th, through Christmas and New years. He suffered so much trauma to his brain that he can barley talk or even cough for that matter. He has had 3 surgeries to help relieve brain swelling and fluid pressure and that's just the beginning. He has a life threatening aneurysm that they cant operate on till they get other issues under control, like an infection and phenomena and seizures that keep happening.

29 years old, that's too young. I'm 29!

I, by the grace of God, finally started to get my act together and really live and enjoy this life that God has given me. How could I have wasted so much of my life, years past, on such vain and insignificant trivial things. As a mother of young children I know how precious time is just in a day. I have been fighting the time management battle for years now and I've learned, there is never enough time in a day to get things done. Years fly by as we sit and wait for life to get better thinking that there is always tomorrow.

Sometimes tomorrow doesn't come so what am I doing that is going to be worth anything? Chasing the elusive dollar for what? We just spend it and the cycle continues, more more more... never satisfied with what we have always wanting more. What am I doing?

Why didn't we get a memo? "News flash, life is fragile handle with care".

Why is that the last thought on our minds until disaster strikes and our eyes become open. But for how long? When we get a glimpse of life as it really is, a precious small amount of time, are we moved to change? Do we just get back to life as usual because, "that wont happen to me!"

I hate the thought that we value things over our own health. We eat what we want to because we want to, and we drink and poison our minds and our bodies with crime and drugs and hours upon hours of TV and video games. Why? Because our eyes say more so as mindless robots we give our eyes what they want, never taking into consideration what this could do to our fragile lives.

Oh boy do we need a hero, a Savior who can free us from this life of vanity and evil. Jesus came and died and took upon himself all of our evil sinful thoughts and deeds so that we could have eternal life. Why? Because God loves us and that's why he made us, so we might love Him in return. It's pretty simple really, we just complicate things with our own thoughts of the way life should be. What matters most to you?