Saturday, February 25, 2012


This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.  If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. (1John 1:5-10)

Why are we so afraid of the truth? I don't know about your family but mine is filled with hatred, broken hearts and sin because of our avoidance of the truth. Who told the first lie in our family, I wonder... it doesn't matter, because like drug addicted junkies, we bought it and we sold it. We became something false, something impure, because of our little love affair with lies. I wonder why it's gone this far? Do you want to know the truth? We need the Lord to fix our messed up lives and not drugs or sex or money. But we never listen. That's the truth!

Do you know that God knows the exact hours, minutes, and seconds we will have on this planet? He knows how many heart beats will beat within our chest. He knows how many breaths we'll take. He knows how many trials we'll face long before we face them. Life is only a moment compared to eternity. Kenny is in eternity now and will always be. But what about us? While we live we have a choice to make. Who will we serve? God or the devil? What sin is worth holding onto so much that we pass up eternity? For that matter what point of view have you taken on God/Jesus or the Holy Spirit that has kept you from believing?

I can tell you right now, and it is not without a broken heart and a crushed spirit that I declare, that I will serve the God of the universe come what may. What do you believe in or stand for? Will it save your soul? My God could have saved my husband but He didn't. For that matter He could have let me walk out on my marriage because of my selfish nature but He didn't. God got a hold of my heart and He revealed truth to me. He told me I was a sinner and I was being selfish and angry at Kenny for something that had nothing to do with him. I was an angry person because of things that happened in my childhood things that never got resolved and may never be resolved this side of heaven. I had to let go of the hurt I was holding onto so I could love my husband. All I knew was pain and anger and hatred but God taught me how to love. He fixed my broken parts and He restored my marriage. That's why I will serve the Lord.

I never get tired of telling that story because with out God I would have fallen into the same trap everyone else in my family has fallen into. Anger! I am not cured from anger by any means because anger is something we have to face head on in this life, sometimes on a daily basis. We can either put on anger or put on love. I confess I have recently been putting on anger because I miss my husband and I don't understand why God took Him away from me and from our three beautiful children. But I have learned that if I bring my anger out into the light by talking about it with God, by telling Him how I am feeling and then asking for His help, God actually defeats its destructive power in my life. I really do cry out to Jesus sometimes all night long.
What are your hurts? What part of you needs fixing? God is the best listener, I know! A broken and contrite heart He will not despise. Come as you are He wont close His eyes. (Tenth avenue north song.... love that song!) God loves you and He can heal you but you have to be willing to bring all your pain and sufferings to Him. He wont let you down!

So the Truth is I lost my best friend! I miss him everyday but I am grateful that God woke me up and shone His healing light on my sinful and selfish heart or I wouldn't be feeling this pain, because I would have never learned to truly love. Rejoice in the Lord always again I say rejoice. Philippians 4:4

Any Other Way Tenth Avenue North

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

How am I doing?

I wonder why words fail us at times of greatest difficulties? Why is it that we think we know so much and can debate over issues that we say we are passionate about but will probably never take a stand for? Why do we talk so much and then when death strikes we lose all of our "so called" communication abilities.

I am so tired of the question, "how are you doing?" Even on a good day when we are asked that question it is usually followed up with a generic, "fine, how are you?"  But if you think about it, that's pretty much all we got! How are you today, nice weather we're having. Heard your husband died, that sucks. Words are pretty much pointless at times and I love words, so ironic!

The worst is when someone thinks they have something to say, offer some kind of advice, in these circumstances. Let me be frank here, unless you've experienced a similar loss it's best if you keep it short. I am not trying to upset anyone but the fact that death causes so much pain for the ones closest to the individual who passed, you'd think there would be more of a sense of fear in the ones offering their "so called" advice to not upset the grief stricken family.

So it's either our words fail us and we choke and fall back on the generic, how are you? Or our words fail us because you think you know but you really don't know. Trust me here, less is more, unless the grief stricken person asks for your company or your words of comfort and then please try to just listen because there is nothing that you're going to say that will make the pain go away.

Oh and don't tell a young child who just lost one of his parents that now he is the man of the house and is responsible for taking care of his mother. That is the dumbest thing any adult can say to a child! And if you don't like how a young child is describing the death of their parent, walk away, but don't try to correct that child and tell them it's more appropriate to say it like this.... Are you kidding me?

Yes Lord, I am angry tonight! I am tired and I'm sad and I'm sick of feeling like this. Dealing with grief is a long suffering that I wish You would shorten. There is no way I will get my Kenny back! There is nothing anyone can say or do that will remove this pain. This is just so hard! I really do just want to move away! Far away so that I wont bump into anyone who knows. I just want this pain to stop. Please God make it stop. I am so angry and sad and I feel lost and helpless. I am trying to get back to life but I would really rather not!!! I don't want people to feel sorry for me I just want them to know I am NOT OK but there is nothing they can do about it!

Sorry bad night!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Crushed but not Destroyed

I think the fog might be lifting. I Think I might be OK. My heart is still wounded but I believe my God will carry me through. I cried so much these past weeks I thought my eyes might fall out of my head. My nose was so stuffed up because of sobbing uncontrollably I though I would never breath through my nose again. My head hurt, my body felt so weak and my spirit was torn, but God didn't leave my side. He stayed with me through it all and He listened to my cry. He held me and carried me and I didn't die, even though I thought I might, He kept me safe. My fortress of defense! I still miss Kenny very much and I know there will be days, maybe even tomorrow, when I cry again. But I know God will be my comfort. I know He loves me. God thank You for my life. Thank You for my children whom with out I don't know where I would be right now. Thank You for the last nine and a half years being married to the most wonderful man. Thank You for choosing me to be Kenny's wife. Thank You for my three beautiful children that I get to watch grow. Thank You for my family and my church family who take such good care of me and my children. Thank You God!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Grief at its Best

You can't possible understand this pain! You can't you just can't! No one knew him like I did. No one understands this pain. I don't understand why there are so many bad people in the world and the ONLY person that I have ever loved and that has ever loved me has to die! I don't understand!!! I have no one now that I trusted like him, no one that was here for me like he was. Why God why did you take him? I am crushed! I can't do this with out him. I don't want to do this without him!!! What am I supposed to do now? My children miss their daddy, Keegan asks me why did God have to take my daddy when I was still a kid. What do I tell him? All I can say is I don't know why. Somebody please tell me why. There was never a more devoted father than Kenny Johnson! He was so in love with his kids!!! He would have been there for them! He would have never hurt them! There are so many stupid men in the world who don't care about anyone but themselves! Men who abandon their children and even hurt their children. Tell me where is the sense in that? Why am I here? Why do the days keep coming? Why haven't You come back to rescue us from this evil, hateful, painful existence? Why?