Thursday, April 26, 2012

When No Help Seems To Come

I have been in many situations where I feel like I can't possibly go on another second, I am in a desperate and lonely place and I just need someone to talk to. Searching and seeking for the right person to call to no avail. And then with all my resources spent I cry out to God. Help me God I have no one! Help me Lord I am lost! God why is this happening to me? God where are you? Do you even see me? All of these have been my cry when all the world seems to fail me. Every person seems preoccupied or ironically unavailable when I need them most. Are they bad friends? No, as much as I'd like to blame someone other than myself, they are just merely being detained by God so that I will be utterly alone and in desperation call upon the One who has everything I need. Why do we let our life get so overwhelming before we call upon our Lord? Well in my case I am a stubborn fool, what's your excuse?
Seriously, I was having an OK day and then out of nowhere it just went all wrong. Kenny wasn't there to talk to me when I had some random thought. That's it, that's all that happened. I just really wanted to talk to Kenny about what was on my mind and he wasn't there to talk to me. My night just snowballed after that, one thing after another as I thought, "I am all alone right now and though my friends and family are here with me they aren't who I really want."  Then wouldn't you know it my best friend, my sister in crime, goes into labor. She wasn't due until my birthday in May but when it's time it's time. So that's such a wonderful happy joy filled event and here I am crying my eyes out thinking, "perfect just perfect another happy person for me to hate!" Hey don't judge my thoughts this is my blog I can vent when I want to.
So after getting the wonderful news, I told the kids to get in bed, (in a not so nice tone). So now they're crying and I'm thinking, "way to go mom of the year." OK I will go talk to them.... do you know what my daughter tells me? She misses her dad but she didn't stop there. She also misses her Aunt and her cousins, she misses Morgan sleeping in her room, the list went on for some time. I thought to myself, Lord so many people come and go in and out of our lives it's no wonder we have such a difficult time loving. Loving hurts! But You know that better than anyone of us God! You so loved this screwed up world filled with messed up people who just keep the crazy cycle going, that You sent Your blameless Perfect Sinless Son to die on the cross for us stupid people, some who wont ever figure that out! Wow, talk about LOVE. "OK, this is where we're supposed to pray Holly," I say as if to convince myself. "Lord we need you tonight! Our hearts are hurting and our eyes are tired of crying. We know the bible says you are a comforter and a friend, that you draw near to the broken hearted. Lord we are sad tonight but would you please be our strength and our peace and our comfort? In Jesus name amen."
So, how do you think the rest of our night went after that? Praise be to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ the God of all comfort!
Click here>>> Outta My Mind by Anthem Lights <<< to here this blog author's anthem for the week.

Monday, April 16, 2012

What Can Fill This Giant Hole?

There are days when I am OK and then there are days when I am so not OK. It's been 79 days since I lost my husband, and no I don't count everyday I calculate just on days I am not OK. I took the kids to a parade the other day and there were a lot of people there. Not one of them was the one person I wanted to see. In the whole wide world there are a lot of people and every single one of them is not Kenny. There will never be another Kenny. I look at my children and think how they will never see their daddy again on this planet. To a child that is an insane amount of time that they can't even fathom. I pray the Lord will come back sooner than later for all of our sake!

I have been desperately trying to find something to fill this hole in my heart. I know the Lord can fill the hole, He is my everything! But I know we all try to tangibly fill our hurts with things or people or substances or emotions or whatever. Someday's it feels like there is nothing I can do to make this pain any less. Crying is the only thing I can do in times like that. And then somehow after I cry, knowing Kenny is with the Lord, and knowing God weeps with me when I am sad, I feel better. So maybe it isn't about filling the hole in my heart. Maybe my heart is fully the same only sorrow has been added to it. So now whenever I cry I can let some of that sorrow out and decrease the total amount of sorrow on my heart. Maybe? 

Lord You are the only one who understands me! You are the only one who loves me so much that every time I need to cry You cry too. You never leave my side and You never let me down! You are amazing to me. I truly cannot wait for the day this will all be a fading memory and we will all sing praise to You for Your amazing love. 

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Did I Just Do That?

Plain as day! I knew exactly why my wrist was swollen and blue. I lost my temper at my little tribe and I struck the rock. I have lost my temper with the kids before but did I really just do that?
It was Monday night and the kids and I had just gotten home from 'bridges' which is a center for grieving children who have lost a parent or parental caretaker type person. It was a school night and I was trying to get the kids all in bed as quickly as possible so I could lay down and cry. I was emotionally exhausted after an evening of talking about my loss and hearing about other peoples losses and I just wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. But my children were being children and not going down without a fight. I don't mean an actual fight, they were just doing the whole; can we have a story, I need a drink, will you pray for my eleven owies, tell me about when I was a baby.... routine. It finally came down to, "Mommy can I go get a stuffed animal to snuggle?" So I said yes but come right back up stairs because it's late and mommy is very tired. Big happy faced children ran down the stairs into the playroom to get their cuddly little friends. And what I thought would bring a nice peaceful end to our very long day ended up leading to a big ugly mommy moment.

Screams came from down stairs followed by loud crying that was unmistakably Josiah my youngest. Next came the obnoxious noise of a little girl trying to make sure her mommy heard her yelling, "J-O-S-I-A-H are you OK?" We had just recently gone over the importance of thinking of others before yourself and helping the injured victim instead of running away or crying because you did something wrong and 'now-you're-gonna-get-it' so head for the hills, routine. So after I called to them both, from up stairs, about a hundred times (slight exaggeration) I figured with all the screaming they couldn't hear me so my anger got the best of me and I went to smack the wall to get their attention. Well being the super coordinated person I am' I hit my wrist instead of the palm of my hand. Almost instantaneously my wrist started to swell like I've never seen before. I mean I thought for sure I was going to bleed to death internally. Well maybe not but my blue and puffy wrist got the attention of my boisterous little ones and they quickly got into bed. Holly felt really bad and was crying hysterically but I was literally in no state to deal with her so God took over and she fell asleep pretty quickly. Praise the Lord.

I couldn't believe my out burst and how badly I represented the Lord to my children. God reminded me of a story I read in the bible. In the book of Number chapter 20 the children of Israel were complaining to Moses and Aaron because they had no water to drink and they were hot and probably pretty cranky. So Moses and Aaron go to the Lord and fall on their faces. They took their troubles to God and the glory of the Lord appeared to them. Starting in verse 7, "Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, Take the rod; you and your brother Aaron gather the congregation together. Speak to the rock before their eyes, and it will yield its water; thus you shall bring water for them out of the rock, and give drink to the congregation and their animals." Then in verse 10 it says, "And Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly together before the rock; and he said to them, 'Hear now, you rebels! Must we bring water for you out of this rock?' Then Moses lifted his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came out abundantly, and the congregation and their animals drank. Then the Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron, "Because you did not believe Me, to hallow Me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them." Later we read that Moses, because of his misrepresentation of the Lord to the people of Israel, was never allowed to pass into the land the Lord had promised His people.

I've always thought that was a harsh punishment for Moses to have to receive for all the years of toiling in the hot desert sun with all those cranky ungrateful sinners. But God takes it very seriously when we misrepresent Him. See God loves my kids a lot more than I ever could and He knows that they are hurting and mourning the loss of their daddy. He knows when they are tired and cranky. He understands that they just needed me to go downstairs and talk to them. Things would have turned out a whole lot better for my left arm if I had just walked down there and spoke to my little tribe of sinners. I knew better and I chose in the blink of an eye to do it my way instead of His.

My wrist didn't hurt right away, probably because my nerves were all still in a state of shock from the mighty blow. 6 days later, now Sunday, my whole arm is feeling the punishment I inflicted on myself. Shooting pains were going all the way up to my shoulder all day long. Finally at home fellowship I showed my shame to everyone present and told them how it happened. I knew I deserved to feel every bit of that pain because of my bad decision. I asked for prayer for my wrist and the shooting pain that was at that moment driving me crazy! I was a little shocked when the Pastor paused his prayer and said to me, "bring your wrist over here." He whipped out his little bottle of oil and anointed my wrist. Literally seconds later the shooting pain stopped. My big ugly bruise was still very much visible but the pain was gone. I have never in my life experienced something like that! I have had all kinds of prayer for all kinds of ailments but I have never had such a miraculous healing occur. I wasn't sure what I was feeling was really real so I didn't say anything just then but later when I got home and the kids were getting ready for bed after I had some time to feel-it-out so to speak I text the pastor. I said the shooting pain in my wrist is gone Praise the Lord, so unworthy but still He loves me!

God saw my nasty bad behavior, He knew I misrepresented Him in front of my impressionable little children. I deserved that pain, I accepted what I did was wrong and I knew I had to suffer the consequences for my actions. So why in the world would He heal me? Because God is Love. So maybe God knew Moses was tired and weary. Maybe He knew it wouldn't be long anyways until his life would come to an end. Maybe He wanted to show the Israelite's just how important it is to Hallow the name of the Lord. Honor God in all your ways and it will be well with your soul. Maybe God used Moses His servant to teach the wandering tribe of Israel one last nugget of truth before they would inherit a land they didn't deserve. Hallow the name of the Lord! Whatever God's reason I am sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that it was for GOOD and not harm. We are all so unworthy but still He loves us, forever our hearts should sing of how great HE IS! All glory, honor, and power are YOURS, Amen.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Not what I thought

So now what? Now that I'm here and you're not, what am I supposed to do? You know I am not a strong person and you know I fall apart. I never signed up for this! I never thought I would be here like this.... but here I am. Here we are, me and the kids, left here to fight our way through this life without you. So what now.... well your son has been really into these inspirational movies like "Glory Road" and "Remember the Titans" and "Facing the Giants." Figures right, Keegan making good movie choices, must take after his mom. So I guess we just keep moving. I know it sounds stupid but I really do have to remember that today could be our last day. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Not me that's for sure! It puts things in perspective to remember that every day is a gift from God and I would be a fool to waste what little time we have here on feeling sorry for myself. That's one thing you never did. You never felt sorry for yourself. You never said 'why me' and you were so happy even through the pain. Well clearly I'm not you and I must have drawn the short stick because this seems like the more difficult road. Well that's all the tears I have for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day, right? His mercies are new every morning. Hmmm, I wonder if it says somewhere His mercies are tapped out in the wee hours so stop trying to squeeze out more and go to bed. Just a thought :)