ON MY KNEES

You say You love me. You say You want me. You say you will be here for me, but here I am and where are You? You have let all this in my life!!! You did this. You have taken everything away from me. What do I have left? You took my childhood. You allowed me to be violated by my mothers boyfriend You let me live in that house for all those years. Just when I thought I had finally escaped that trial You threw another in my face. You are mean. Now you want to take my husband away from me. The only man I've ever let into this crazy painful existence, the only one I ever trusted with all my baggage, You are killing. What did I ever do to You? I've tried my whole life to trust You and pray to You and this is what I get? Why? I made mistakes everyone has but did I do anything deserving of this? Why do You hate me? I cried out to You and You were silent! Why have You forgotten me? What do You want from me? Tell me what to do and I will do it. I just don't want to be in this pain anymore! There are so many ways to kill this pain down here, drugs, alcohol... but I can't bring myself to do that. I want to kill this pain so badly. I need You Lord to heal me. I need real healing! I need You to reach down and lift me up because I can't stand anymore. Help me please I can't do this without You. You are God! You made me and You say You love me. I want to believe that please help me to trust You. No one down here can save me, it's only You who can save me. SAVE ME! I am begging you please God please. I am so weak but You are strong. I am falling apart please piece me back together. I am Yours! Fill me with Your love and Your peace. I know You love me! I know You will be with me. I trust You God, please forgive me. Take what You want to but please don't leave me. I know I have been taking back the past that I gave to You. Please never let me take it back again. I give it all to You, I don't know why You want it but take it anyways. I never want to take it back again. My life belongs to You. I will wait for You to come and rescue me, come and give me life.

Judgemental Me

We are all people. We all eat, we all sleep, and we all poop. Seriously, we have a lot more in common than we would like to admit. So why do we judge one another by our petty little differences? Because we are wicked at heart. Because we don't see the evil that springs out of our thoughts and our mouths until it's right in front of us lying there on the ground. And instead of cleaning up the mess we made we try to cover it up or explain it away. But it still stinks!

I was wondering why I act one way around one person and a different way around someone else. Here comes my "explanation"; because I want that person to like me, I want to be liked. Is that strange? No, it's not strange. We all want to be liked, loved even. Family can be so difficult to talk to but they are the people we want to love us the most. Even when our family hurts us we still want them to like us. Why? God has knit the hearts of family so much closer together than other hearts. So close in fact that they see more of us then the rest of the world. They see the ugly parts of us. They know our secrets and they know where and how we started. They know how hard we try and they've seen how hard we fall. They see our mistakes sometimes before we do. That's a big problem!

There are some that think of themselves as "saviors". These people aren't bad intentioned people just confused. They've experienced pain and they were scarred by it. They hold onto that pain as a reminder to never let that happen again. These confused people think that if they shout out a warning every time a loved one looks like they might be headed down the path of pain that they can somehow save them from the same fate of pain and heartache. Unfortunately, for that person, their shouts sound more like judgements and ridicules than the warnings of a concerned loved one.

I read a story about a butterfly just recently. There was this person who was eagerly awaiting the emerging of a butterfly from it's cocoon. The process had just started and the person watched in amazement as the butterfly struggled to be reborn. As the person looked on they decided that the butterfly surely could use some help because it seemed it was struggling too hard for a brand new butterfly, something had to be wrong. So the person took a tiny pair of scissors and ever so carefully cut open the rest of the cocoon to free the butterfly from it's struggles. That person must have felt such a sense of pride and triumph after "saving" this creature from it's terrible struggles. However something strange happened after that. The butterfly's wings were free but something was wrong. It didn't seem to have beautiful bright colors as other butterflies did. In fact this butterfly seemed to be getting weaker. Not long after that the butterfly died. The reason the butterfly didn't survive was simply because it had not had the chance to grow stronger through the trials of being reborn. The creature needed that trial to grow stronger healthier muscles and pump the blood into it's magnificent wings. God created all His creatures with that similar purpose in mind. He wants all of us to be as magnificent and beautiful as He has designed us to be. But sometimes the self proclaimed "saviors" of this world end up doing more harm than good.

Let's leave the saving to the real savior Jesus Christ. When we act as a person's "savior," we are confusing that person into thinking that maybe we are a savior or maybe there is a such thing as a human savior. THERE IS NOT! Let's not hold onto past hurts, give them to God and ask for His healing. Let's not pretend to know more than we do. Let's, all of us let the Lord do the saving from now on. We are only to work with God towards "our own" salvation, not the salvation of others. That's why we need to pray more and fix less. We will all struggle in this life, but God is faithful to complete the work He has started in us until it is finished!

Forgive me father for I have sinned! Restore what I arrogantly took from others that You might have meant for their good. Help me to only work out my own salvation with fear and trembling. You are God of all, I am just Your creation. Thank You for Your Son and His atoning death on the cross. If it wasn't for Jesus I would be lost forever. Thank You for continuing to guide me and teach me. Thank You for not forsaking me. You are patient and long suffering. You are LOVE.
1 Corinthians 13 1-13

Tomorrow morning is Kenny's surgery and we can't sleep. When I think about life and all the things that can go wrong in an instant I wonder why we ever bother to be upset at one another. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings just don't seem to rate on the importance scale when you are in the midst of a life or death situation. In fact the only thing I have been thinking about is, when is the Lord coming back and what does He want me to be doing in the mean time? But somehow we get caught up in this strange existence and pile on emotions and selfish thoughts and boom, you have the world we live in today. Why are people so driven by money? Why are there hungry people when we have so much to share? Why do people seek sex and drugs over Truth and righteousness? Why do children suffer at the hands of their own parents? Why? It all started with hurt feelings and pain. It all started when we didn't follow His laws. Yes God knows that we are feeble and weak, selfish, wretched people so He made a way out for us all. And it's the simplest kind of answer too. Believing in His Son Jesus! He came down to earth, died for our sins and said if we believe we are eternally saved. It couldn't be more simple! But we let our greed and self love get in the way of our own salvation. We would rather sit in our messed up lives then have to believe. It's really disgusting.
Well anyways a person's rantings can't save anyone. Only the Holy Spirit can guide a soul to salvation. I pray that wherever you are and what ever life you are living that you would stop and ask God to save you. I pray that you would wake up and realize that this life isn't all there is. That there is something far greater and far more meaningful and fulfilling than this life. I pray that you would know that you CAN'T save yourself and that you need God! I pray that you would start to seek Him and pray to Him and be healed from your sicknesses and your hurts and your sufferings. I pray that you would be saved from your addictions and from your thoughts that are trying to ruin you. God can do it! Do you believe? Will you ask Him or would you rather roll the dice and wait for.... the perfect time. What are you waiting for? You have nothing to loose and eternity to gain. It's really very simple! We just make things difficult!