Anguish!

Oh God please I can't take any more. I am so broken and wounded my heart breaks over and over again. I cry all night long. God please let it be enough. I am trying to hold on but what if I can't? OH God this is too much for me to bare. I am so weak. I can't watch their pain when I can do nothing to stop it. I know there are others who's suffering is greater than this, Yours included, but I have reached my limit Lord I can't do it anymore. Please have mercy God. Please Please Please make it stop. My children are hurting Lord. Be with them please. God I am tired and I can't sleep. My days go by like a whirlwind but the pain remains. Time is moving to quickly. I just need to take a breath. God help me please. I need You, You could end this if You wanted to God. But I know that You know best. Please don't let me go God I can't do this without You. Don't leave us here God please.

Valley of the Shadow of Death

That title sounds horrible hu? Well right at this very moment two of the men I love most in this world are smack dab in the middle of the valley of the shadow of death. Kenny, my husband of 9 and a half years and my father William are each battling for their lives, Kenny with his advanced stage of brain cancer and my dad with the plethora of his medical issues; heart disease, type 1 diabetes, renal failure, and now pneumonia.

I could get really angry and bitter at the thought that God is allowing this incredible hardship into our lives. I could add up all the bad things that have happened to our family throughout the course of our lives (which is usually my custom) but why would I add all that onto my shoulders?

Why is it easier for us to remember the bad times over the good? Why do we insist on dwelling on the problems in our lives instead of the blessings? Well human nature I suppose, sin nature. Our frame is weak at best and we crumble at the slightest sight of trouble. As we are walking along with God through this life lets not forget that everything belongs to him.

So in light of this God given wisdom I want to remember my blessings, will you join me?

11 years of missing my dad and wishing I could see him and know him, God brought him back into my life. God brought my dad here so he could walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. My dad got to give me away to my Kenny. My dad was able to come out again for the birth of my first born son Keegan. We got to take trips to visit him in Pennsylvania and go down the Jersey Shore.

I have been the luckiest girl alive to be married to Kenny Johnson and have three beautiful children with him. We were astonished after being told by the doctors that my third pregnancy had ended in miscarriage, then just two days later after praying for a miracle we received the news that I was indeed still pregnant. We welcomed our little miracle Josiah on Christmas Eve 2007.

We were amazed when all hope seemed lost for our marriage that God took us under His mighty wings and taught us how to truly live out our wedding vows.

We even got the privilege of having Kenny's baby brother Morgan live with us for the first 7 months of his life.

We went on camping trips and drove over the mountains to visit our family for the 4th of July.

We were there when my sister Shannon gave birth to twins after being told by doctors she wouldn't have children. We watched as God took care of those precious babies in the hospital for the first 3 month of their lives. Born at 29 weeks Ezra and Olivia are healthy and active walkers with no major medical issues due to their early arrival.

We look back in astonishment as we realize how God has provided financially and miraculously these last 3 years since my husband has been out of work due to his illness. We have been blessed with wonderful friends and family and a church body who all love us and offer prayer and support.

We were given a trip to Disneyland and got to spend some much needed family time together with each other.

We got to witness my dad's and Kenny's dad's new birth into the family of Christ. Who else but God could do all that?

I know there is more that I am forgetting but if I really took the time to focus on my blessings, on these blessings, how wonderful would my heart feel! Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, You anoint my head with oil my cup runs over. Surely Goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23:4-6)

Going to Disneyland!

Johnson Family

Family Football

Johnson/Martin Family 4th of July

Ezra & Olivia's Story

Bostwick Family Camping Trip

Kenny & Alyscia Nine Years!

Summer Fun

Now tell me God isn't good. That is a whole lot of good!!!!

Thank You God for the gift of life. Thank You for showing me how to love. You so loved the world that You gave Your One and Only Son that whoever believes in You will have everlasting life. Loving people is giving a piece of our hearts that we will never get back unscathed. Love is long suffering and kind! I am grateful for my life and the people who You brought into it. Everything is Yours and I trust You to care for my husband and my dad. I know I could lose them both but I will still praise You. You can heal, You can redeem and You can take away. You are God. You are good and there has never been a greater love

Do You see me?

I have been reading this book by James MacDonald, Always True [God's 5 promises when life is hard] and I got mad at a section that he wrote entitled, Since the Foundation of the World. MacDonald says that God has known all of us since the foundation of the world. "Psalm 139 tells me that before my days ever began, God knew them (pg 118)." I had to stop there and cry. It's not like I haven't heard that before, but it just never settled right with me. How can God, who is LOVE and knows all, allow me or any one to endure so much heartache and pain in one lifetime? I know we live in a fallen world but He's God, why would He allow pain? Are you sure God knows all because if He does than why would He allow such horrible sufferings? God, please help me understand! I need to know this answer because I have never understood why a God of such great LOVE could allow so much pain. Please help me. I waited and my reply came.

Earlier that night Kenny and I were sitting on the couch holding hands. I asked him if he thought he was going to die and I told him how every time we go in to see the doctor I get my hopes up. I start to think that maybe this time the MRI will show that the tumor is gone, and every time my heart breaks when we learn that, in fact, it has gotten even bigger. Because Kenny's tumor affects his speech I had time to think before he responded and I said, "but I love you too much to give up hope even if that means my heart will break again." He smiled and leaned in to hug me.

Oh.... I see. I really do see. God is good! God loves me so much that even when I break His heart because I lack faith and push Him away to do things my own way, which will inevitably lead to problems and maybe unnecessary pain, He continues to love me. He never stops loving me. We can stop loving can't we? Someone hurts us and we think twice before trusting that person again don't we? Someone hurts us and we put up walls around our heart and lash out at others and cause more pain. We are prone to anger and hatred when we get hurt. But God never hates and God never lashes out at us. In fact God knows our frame, that we are just dust so he sent to us a savior. His Own Son took all of our sinfulness and shame and gave us all a clean slate. We have been given such a great LOVE!

God thank You for showing me this love. Thank You for helping me to see Your heart. God Your heart breaks for the whole world. How much pain You must endure all for the sake of loving us. You are amazing! Forgive me for my lack of faith and help me to never forget how much You love me, how much You love us all. God whatever my lot You have taught me to say it is well with my soul! Your Will be done, not mine.

Goodnight, love

I tucked the kids in their beds and took some laundry downstairs to be washed for the morning. Kenny hasn't been able to pray with the kids in a while. His tumor is growing faster and is affecting his ability to speak. He try's to talk but he stutters a lot and can't get the right words out. You can see the frustration in his face as he struggles to communicate his thoughts. He never gets angry, just raises an eye brow and twists up his lips. I asked Kenny to say goodnight to the kids so he headed up stairs. I walked up a bit later and heard my 6 year old daughter telling her daddy a story since daddy couldn't do it himself. My heart started to melt. I walked into my son's room to tell him dad would be in there next to say goodnight. I said, "you know Keegan, maybe you could pray tonight for daddy since it's been hard for him to." He smiled and nodded. I kissed his head and walked out. Then Kenny made his way into Keegan's room. My 8 year old started to share his heart with his father. He said, "It's hard having cancer isn't it?" Kenny stuttered, "yes." Keegan said, "That's why you wear that hat that says cancer sucks, hu?" Kenny nodded his head. Keegan said, "Mom said I should pray with you since you can't get the words out." So Kenny knelt down next to Keegan's bed. "Keegan prayed, "God please heal daddy and thank you that he loves you and that he will be saved." Kenny said, "Amen."

Why do we forsake one another?

What happened? How did our lives get so complicated? God why can't we all just love?
The very first word our Lord uses to describe love, in 1 Corinthians chapter 13:4, is suffers. Love suffers long. The very next word used to describe love is kind. Love suffers long and is kind. Well that says it right there! We don't love because we don't know how to love! We think our suffering is meant to simply cause us harm and we fight against it with everything we can. We use anger to combat our suffering, we use hate, we plug up our ears from hearing and we run to the first thing we can to find comfort for our pain. I know because I do that.
How in the world are we supposed to suffer long and then manage to be kind? Be kind? Are you kidding me? I am in some real pain here and nobody understands this pain but me. What benefit would I gain from suffering so much only to portray a happy heart by being kind? My heart is far from happy! Cancer has savagely attacked my family! Cancer is tearing us away from someone we love. This hurts and I can do nothing about it. It's like someone has tied us up to a target and is mercilessly taking shots. We don't even have a fighting chance. So hear you go, take all this pain and fear too and lets throw in some agonizingly long amount of time just to be mean. Yeah being kind is a hard thing to do sometimes.
But God says Love suffers long and is kind. How does our Lord demonstrate His LOVE to us? Have you read the gospel? There are so many beautiful ways God shows His love for us. Since we just celebrated Christmas lets start there. GOD....Maker of Heaven and Earth chose to come down to the world He created and set up His kingdom here as a mighty king and showed us his great power by defeating many nations and making slaves of all His enemy's....No He didn't do that! God came down as a tiny baby and was subject to His creation. He was lowly and despised by many. He was a man of great sorrow and acquainted with grief. ( emphasis mine, Isaiah 53:3) Jesus came as a poor mans son and lived a poor mans life and at the ripe old age of 33 (approximately) He was crucified and died for the purpose of saving a world full of nasty sinners. Talk about LOVE. Suffering for a world full of cynical angry sinners, wow, that's kindness. NO, that is LOVE!
Our God created us, He gave us life. He then set up rules for our safety and we rebelled against His rules and we chose to do our own things. How we know, as parents, the pain of watching our children stubbornly try to do things their way instead of listening to our direction. Why are our lives so complicated....maybe because we try to figure out life on our own. Maybe because we push God away and think, arrogantly, that we have some insight into what it is we need. Why does nothing fulfill our deep desires? Why are we sad all the time and full of anger and confusion? Maybe because we've forgot our first love? All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him (Jesus) the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:6)
Lord how we need a lesson in Love. We need to be loving to others as You are loving towards us.  God I know you love me and all of us no matter where we come from. You love us because You are Love. Death shall not be the end for us because You sent us Your only Son to pay the price for our sins. There will not be anymore pain, nor sorrow, nor suffering when we come face to face with You at the end. You will wipe away every tear from our face. I can only imagine what it will be like. Thank You that this is not the end for those who cry out to You for help, those who purposefully seek You. Praise You Father for saving us all. You are GOOD!
P.S. Welcome to the family of believers Ken Sr. we never stopped praying for you!!!