Somehow or other it came just the same....

Ever want time to stop? Ever wish you could just stay in a moment forever? Well most of us have at one time or another I'm sure. Babies grow up too fast don't they? Days just seem to fly right by you as you wrestle with sleepless nights and the emotional highs and lows of being a first time mom. Before you know it your babies are in school and you have a little bit more sleep back, but you would give anything to hold them in your arms again the way you did when they were younger. I can't believe my first baby will be 9 years old in March. I can still close my eyes and see his little smiling face lying in his crib looking up at me. He is huge now! What happened? Dr. Seuss once said, "How did it get so late so soon? Its night before is afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?"

We were watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" tonight. It's funny how much I can relate to that mean old Grinch. It's the same old story, someone gets hurt....then they get mad....then they hang on to that anger for so long that before they know it years have flown by but the pain remained the same. What good did all that stewing and begrudging do for the old Grinch? Not much. He was lonely and bitter and vengeful and mean. But after years of living that way he finally realized how wrong he had been and chose to be happy and forgiving and loving in the end. But years had to pass before he came to that simple realization. So much time was lost. Time, one of those things you can never get back! Forgiveness seems like such an easy word to throw at anyone who may be struggling with hurts or pains of the past or maybe the present. But the only one who can, 'take the money and run,' so to speak, is the person who is the hardest to reach with such a word. Forgive and forget, but what about the pain I have? What about the hurt and the time lost? What about them? Why do I have to forgive and forget and they don't have to pay the piper? What is the deal? 

The horrible truth is sometimes there is no cure for the pain. Sometimes pain just is. It's a hard fact of life that we don't get to live twice. We just get this one life, we don't even get to know how long we will have this life. So....what truly is the point to holding onto so much anger? What are you changing? The reality is the only one you are changing is yourself. You see the longer you stay angry the harder you become. You lose touch with compassion and love and joy and your heart becomes like a wast land of sorrow and strife. But you chose this, right? This is how you want to live, right? You don't need to be happy anyways right? That just sounds ridiculous doesn't it? 

My husband has cancer. He may very well be dying. There is no cure for his cancer. He may not have a lot of time left but he is the most joyful and happy person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. You would be surprised to hear some of the things that he has experienced in his life that were just wrong. He has been blessed with this amazing ability to live life without bitterness or anger bogging him down. I, on the other hand, am full of anger and bitterness. I have had my share of hard things, and now this! My best friend, the father of my children, my husband is sick. I can be angry about that! I should be angry about that! Who's with me? The pitiful part about that is I really thought I could control some part of this if I was angry about it. At least my voice would be heard and I would go down in a blaze of fury! Anger can be tricky though. You think you can control who you'll be angry at and just how hot to turn up the heat but it can take on a life of it's own. Who do you direct your anger at when your mad at cancer or something that is out of your control? 

The person I don't want to be angry at, my dear husband, ends up bearing all the blows from my anger. How did that happen? I am not angry at him, not even close! He didn't chose this! The problem is I try to keep it all inside and still live this happy life like nothing is bothering me. Anger can't live inside of you for long before the tank fills up and blows down whom ever is in your path. You can't control your anger, your anger is controlling you. How can I stop this beast that lives inside of me? How can I have joy and peace in my life after hurts and pain cause me to be so confused and angry? 

I was pondering that very thought when I looked up at a verse that I had written out and stuck to my bathroom mirror that said, There is no fear in love but perfect love cast out fear because fear involves torment, but he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18. Next I read another verse written by yours truly and posted on my mirror, Let not your heart be troubled you believe in God believe also in me, John 14: 1a. OK I have read these a hundred times before. I don't have a fear issue I have an anger issue, right? Well, maybe it might be fear. My future is uncertain which drives me crazy! My heart is troubled for sure! OK God I give up. I can't possibly go on another day with this anger or fear that is tormenting me and my family. I need you to cast it out and please give me peace and joy, real peace and joy! I don't want to lose any more precious time with my husband. I can't change what is happening now or what may come but you can change the way I've been dealing with this. You can help me to live everyday to the fullest and to be joyful in every moment that we have together no matter how long that may be. I don't want to have any regrets! Please God change my heart or I'll ruin everything with my bad attitude. I need peace that surpasses all understanding! I need You God. 

I will probably have to pray that prayer again sometime in the future but the amazing thing is God will always come through. He will always answer that prayer for me because it is in accordance with His will for my life. He wants me to have peace. John 14:27 says, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Praise be to our Lord and His almighty peace. Let not your heart be troubled, let go and let God deal with your pain and your hurts. He will if You let Him. Don't let time slip away from you while you're choosing to be angry. It goes by too fast. 

Keegan and Holly then....

Keegan and Holly and Josiah now!

Trust Him in all circumstances!

Wow, trials are hard! You think you have everything under control, you think you are sure of your faith, and then you are tested. I was taken back by feelings and emotions that started flooding my mind these last few weeks. I thought since I knew the truth that those thoughts would just fall away. They didn't, in fact they intensified.

Trust is a hard thing for me to do. I am weak in this area! But it's so simple, I just have to choose to trust, regardless of my feelings and emotions and circumstances I need to choose to trust that God is in control and that He loves me and is for me.

I was walking along the battle field of life with my sword in hand and my shield lifted up when all of a sudden I looked around me and saw the tremendous length of the battle field and how my enemies were surrounding me on all sides. They were reminding me of my failures and my past hurts. They lied to me and they tried to tell me that God was a mean God for letting all these horrible things happen.

Their weapons of psychological assault were working and my defenses were weakening. Then all around me loved ones were going down by crazy trials and my heart began to ache like never before. I found myself in a bad place. I had taken a road I shouldn't have. I took my eyes off of the Lord and saw what seemed an insurmountable battle raging all around me. I should have never taken my eyes off of my God!

Praise the Lord that all I needed to do was start trusting Him again. Though once I found myself in that place of fear and terror the enemy had so many opportunities to lie to me. I found myself believing those lies because I wondered out from under God's protective covering. It was a tough battle to get back to that place of trusting God because the enemy had me in an open area and every shot towards me was a direct hit.

Praise God for fellowship because my friends saw where I had gone and ran to my defense, led by my Savior, of that I'm sure. They rallied around me and prayed for me and reassured me of the truths the enemy had twisted with lies.

God came after me! He didn't let me go. I wandered out of the green pastures and He came after me. He does love me! He will never let me go! He is my savior yesterday, today and forever! The enemy might have caught me off guard but he will never catch God off His guard!

My Savior, my Lord, thank You! You are good! Thank You for my friends who patiently and lovingly reminded me of Your Truths! Thank You for saving me again! Lord help me never take my eyes off of You again! I love You and I trust You and You alone!!! Be with me today as we take on another battle. We are heading up to Seattle today to get the results of Kenny's MRI. Be with us Lord help me to keep my eyes on You God!!! Thank You in Your son's precious name amen.

Peace?

I don't even know where to begin. I am so grateful for my friends and family who provided a wonderful trip for my family to Disneyland this past week. It was truly a blessing to be able to just have fun with my husband and my children. We were spoiled to the max! Every ride was a new adventure and meeting the Disney characters was a fairy tale come true. It was so much fun. Disney took it to a whole new level at night, the fireworks and the light shows were amazing and they even made it snow on the crowds of people. Truly truly wonderful.

I have to be honest though, I started to have apprehensions about going the night before we were supposed to leave on our family vacation. I don't know what came over me...wait, yes I do, fear! Fear that if I went to Disneyland it would somehow make this whole thing a reality. Kenny's cancer would really be back and really be threatening his life. If I accepted this extravagant gift it would be like I was accepting what was happening to my family and I didn't want to accept it! I wanted God to know that I only wanted one thing and that was to have my husband be healthy and able to work again and go back to life as usual. Take anything You want Lord just please don't take my husband!!! Take our money take our home take our cars take anything else just please don't take him. I'll do anything!!! We went on our trip and it was a blast. I am so glad I didn't ruin the trip for us with my bad attitude.

I am still struggling, I mean really struggling to hold on to anything at this point. It has gotten to the point that I am beginning to revert back to some old habits like anger and anxious thoughts and crippling fear. I hate feeling like this. I hate what is happening to my family! I love what the Lord has done in us and I have been front row in witnessing some amazing things that God has done only for us during this difficult time.

He has been true to His word! He has provided far more and far grater things for us than I could have ever imagined. He is good! But I am NOT OK with losing my husband! I don't want to do it. I know God could choose to heal Kenny at any time. I know that God could take me home before He takes Kenny. I know all of that but I still don't want to lose him. I love him.

I am not like Abraham! I am not strong enough to give freely someone I love so much. Even as I type these words I think of how God gave His ONE and ONLY SON as a sacrifice for my sins, for all of our sins. Yes I know I sound selfish, but you can't understand until you've walked a mile in my shoes. It's easy looking in from the outside to say things like God is in control and God will give you peace if you ask for it.

"Peace?"

Why on earth would I want that? I want to be angry! I want God to know I am not happy about this.  Do You hear that Lord? I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS!


My daughter said the most amazing thing as we were flying through the sky in the airplane that would take us to Disneyland. She said, "Wow from up here the whole world looks so small." I knew that was for me from God. He wanted me to know that He is still in control even though it feels like things are falling apart. Then I thought about how we were so helpless at that very moment and vulnerable to so many fates. We could have easily fallen out of the sky to our deaths. I mean we truly have no control over our own lives! We think if we eat right and take our vitamins that all will be well but oops, didn't see that car coming, SPLAT! Done for! Things that make you go hmm.


Ever want an answer, like now? What are You going to do God? What do You have in store for my family? I need to know God!

God is never in a hurry. God wasn't in a big hurry when He sent His son down to us. It seems He took His sweat time getting things going. But all through the Old Testament God was working and preparing and making ready His wonderful plan. Then, when Jesus was finally here with us, Emanuel, He was too small to do anything. He was a baby, a tiny vulnerable baby. He had to grow and become a man before His great work could be accomplished.

It took another 30 some years before He would die on the cross and conquer death. Yet all around Him people were sick and dying and in need of a savoir. He died and people didn't even understand what He had done until three days later. He died for our sins and conquered death and there are still people who don't know Him or His great accomplishment.

I know waiting on God is what is needed in my situation. I know that waiting on Him and having faith that He is with me is the answer to my problems. Why is it so hard to TRUST HIM? Why do I question the creator or waste my time being angry with a situation that is out of my control? Why do I let my emotions run my life?

Why am I afraid to let go of my anger and my fears and ask for His peace that surpasses ALL understanding? Maybe, because I can't figure it out on my own. Maybe the reason I am so fearful is because I don't know! I don't know where this road is leading. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know! This is the truest test of faith. I hate not knowing!

So what do I know?  I know that God is in control! I know that He is for me! I know that He will be with me! I know that He is!!! Peace? Well OK I don't know what it will look like but my way isn't working out so great.

Peace that surpasses all understanding...

It surpasses all understanding...

I wont be able to figure it out, in other words I just have to trust that it will be from God and therefore it will be good.

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. (Psalm 37:7)

I read this passage in Andrew Murray's, Waiting on God devotinal; "Be still before the Lord. It is resting in the Lord, in His will, His promise, His faithfulness, and His love, that makes patience easy. And the resting in Him is nothing but being silent unto Him, still before Him. Having our thoughts and wishes, our fears and hopes, hushed into calm and quiet in that great peace of God which passeth all understanding."

I read that and pictured a mother holding her newborn baby, who was fearful of everything because everything was new, gently softly talking and rocking and reassuring the child that everything will be alright.
God please take my fears, take my future, take my anxious thoughts and my anger too. Take them all and please just hold me. Hold me and reassure me that everything will be alright. You are in control. You are in control. You love me and You will be with me always. Peace! Praise the Lord.

Nine years

Click here to see nine our nine years <3

Victory

Lately I am more scared of myself than anything else.  I want to be angry!  I really want to be angry, but when I go to my blog page to vent my anger and frustrations, I can't do it.  I hate feeling like this!  Sadness, to me, has always been linked with weakness.  Anger, now that makes me feel stronger.  It gives me a sense of power.  It makes me feel like I am in control.  I hate that my husband has this stupid cancer!  I hate that there is no cure!  I hate that I can't do anything to change this!  I hate feeling so weak!
That's a lot of hate.  But then there's love.  I love that out of all the people in the whole world I was the one that got to be Kenny's wife.  I love that God brought us together and gave us our beautiful children.  I love that Kenny is so strong in his faith.  I love watching how many lives are touched and some even changed forever by the work the Lord is doing through Kenny.  I love knowing that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.  I love knowing the TRUTH!
Sometimes I feel the scale tipping more to one side than the other.  Sometimes I want to put on anger and hatred, but, what would that do?  The only thing anger and hatred has ever done is destroy lives.  I hated for a long time.  I was angry for a long time.  I had hurts that couldn't be consoled away.  I had the kind of pain that wakes you up at night with tremendous fear and uncontrollable tears.  I wanted to kill the pain so bad, and in different ways I did.  For a time I dealt with my pain in unhealthy ways like, drinking, and partying.  I thought if I looked happy on the out side that some how that would make me happy on the inside.  I thought I had to be the change I wanted to see in the world.  I thought it was all on me to get myself together.  Thank God I was wrong!!!
Praise the Lord that we only need to cry out to Him for help and He will help us.  Praise the Lord that He wants to carry our heavy loads.  Praise Him that He heals from the inside out!!!
Yeah sometimes I feel the old me rising up, but when that happens God reminds me of His love.  He reminds me that He loved me so much that He was willing to pay the price for my sin and die a horrible, painful, sinners death on the cross.  He loves me so much that even though Jesus Christ never sinned once, He was willing to suffer for me, a sinner.  God is so good to me!  He will never leave me nor forsake me!  So I don't need to fear for I have been redeemed and He has called me by my name; I am His. When I pass through the waters, He will be with me; and through the rivers, they will not overflow me.  When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned , nor will the flame scorch me.  For He is the Lord my God.  The Holy One of Israel, my Savior!!!

Please God Please

God please don’t take my husband away from me.  He’s the only one who knows me.  He’s the only one who loves me.  Please don’t take him away.  Please take these fears away though because I can’t live with them anymore.  I need more faith God please.  Strengthen me God because I am so afraid that I’m messing up.  Help me know what You are doing God.  Help me trust You.  I am so weak and I don’t have anywhere else to turn You are my only hope.  Please don’t leave me.  Please forgive me.  

What hidden treasures have we found

I am completely amazed at the outpouring of love our family has experienced in the last few days. It is so humbling to know that you are with us in prayer. You have so loved us even though we truly have no way to repay.

You have filled our refrigerator with plenty and you have spent your precious time praying for us and thinking up ways to bless us. You have provided delicious meals and money for gas. You have donated your time to clean out our junk room and turn it into a playroom. You cut our lawn you built a swing set for our children. You've rejoiced with us and cried with us.

You have sent us cards and lent us your DVD's and video game equipment so Kenny wouldn't be bored while recovering. You've give us furniture and clothes, CD's, noise reducing head phones. You have helped us move over and over again. You have been there through the good days and bad days.
You have helped us to understand the Word of life. We can never repay that! You have sacrificed yourselves for us. "Thank you," just doesn't seem sufficient, but it's all we have.

But do you know what really makes me grateful? It's that God so loved us that He gave His one and only Son that anybody who believes in Him will have everlasting life.

I was a filthy rotten sinner, full of myself and greedy. I was so blinded by what the world calls love that I almost walked out on my marriage. I wasn't "feeling" like I was treated well enough by my husband, that he didn't appreciate me or try to love me the way I thought I needed to be loved. I was so self centered but yet I thought I was a good person. I didn't try to steal anything or hurt another person intentionally so I thought I was good-to-go with God.

When Kenny was diagnosed with cancer I couldn't believe it. I had been working hard to fix my marriage and had been sure that at some point I would be rewarded for my valiant efforts. God had to be watching me pull this off on my own. He knew I was a good person before the marriage troubles and now, well I was a saint because I was doing all the wifely duties and taking my issues to Him first with out blowing up at Kenny. I was striving in my own strength to be good enough for God. And I was on a roll. Until that diagnosis.

"Wait a minute God you have the wrong family! This can't be for us! You must be mistaken! I have been good and I'm reading your word and I'm doing what's right. Why are you punishing us now? What did we do wrong?"

I was so angry at God and confused and hurt and fearful. I didn't know if I had somehow prayed the wrong prayer or done something to deserve this. But what I didn't expect was how God used this horrible disease to bring Kenny and me closer to Him. And then how that would bring other people to Him as well. And what I found when I really got close to God is something far better than anything this world could ever offer.

LOVE!

God's love is amazing! He is all knowing and yet He still loves us. He see's us better than we see ourselves. He opens our eyes to see life in a new way. He gives us peace that surpasses all understanding. He speaks to our souls and He heals us from the inside out. He gave us His Son to take all our sin and shame. We don't have to carry around all that garbage anymore. He wants to take it from us. I don't know about you but I don't even want to take Kenny's dirty socks to the laundry room. It's unfathomable what God has done for us!

The best and most wonderful gift of all through this very hard stuff of life is that God taught us how to live like life truly is a gift. Everyday, every minute, every heartbeat is from Him. Why isn't that enough for us? Why do we seek anything else?

God showed Kenny and me how to forgive, how to really love, how be patient, how to listen and how to pray. He opened our eyes to see that it doesn't really matter if the kids are out of bed for the tenth time, so what? Listen to them while they are young. They wont sound this cute when they are teenagers. Laugh when things get to stressful. Look up when your feeling down. Be thankful for everything you have because in an instant it can all be gone.

Don't hold a grudge! There is no point in worrying about the future. Things could be a lot worse. Look around you to see the people who need a friend. There are a lot of lonely and hurting people out there and they just need someone to care. Shouldn't that be us? We have the gift of Truth, the gospel of Jesus Christ, we should really share it more freely and with a much greater passion than we do.

I am grateful for Kenny's cancer, because without it I would never have known how much of life I was missing. Will God chooses to heal Kenny or to take Him home? I don't know, but I have faith that whatever God chooses it will be for our good. He loves taking ashes and turning them into beauty.

We would never have seen His beauty if it wasn't for His pain.We would never have known His love if it wasn't for our shame!

Indescribable Unbelievable

I don't even know where to begin. In the dark of night He is Lord!

Many of you have already heard the news. but for those who haven't I will share it with you. It's not the kind of news a person likes to hear but non the less hear it is. Kenny had another MRI scan on Oct 7th and we went in for results on Oct 13th. I started crying in the waiting room before we even saw the nurse let alone the doctor. I don't know why I just felt so weak and overwhelmingly sad. We were taken back to the room where the doctor would come in to tell us the results. We waited, I don't know how long but time didn't seem to matter. When the doctor finally came in he looked right at me and asked if I was OK. I just shook my head yes and looked away. If I spoke I might have lost it. Kenny was strong as ever and he just said to the doctor, "She just hates result day." I don't even know how many of these days we've had in the last two and half years. It never gets easy.

"Well," the doctor says as he pulls up Kenny's MRI scan on the computer, "This is definitely concerning." I couldn't even look at the screen. I didn't want to. This doctor has been with us since the beginning of this trial and he is as sweet as they come. He always has such a warming look on his face but today his face showed a different look. He was concerned. There was a lot of talk about this treatment and that treatment and even another surgery but Kenny just wanted to know one question. "How long?" The sweet doctor danced around a bit about percentages and said every person and every case is different but... He quietly said as if to soften the blow, "Ten months." Kenny just looked at him and looked at me and ask, "with treatment?" And the doctor said, "yes, with treatment." "So, he continued, "you can take your choice of treatments and here is what I would recommend, but eventually we will loose this battle."

So there it is, as soft or as calmly as the message can be delivered it still leaves you wounded. Questions will start to flood your mind now as you try to grasp on to anything logical for support. But the sad truth is there is no explanation, no logical answer and no escaping these results.

Our children don't know these results and I beg you to please be careful about your children hearing you talk about these results. Kenny and I have decided to wait for if or when there is a noticeable difference in his health before we tell the kids what is happening. Little ears are listening even when we don't realize it.

So the last week or so has kind of blown past like a whirlwind, people offering prayer and meals and more prayer and groceries and support and everything in between. They all say, "tell me what to do and I'll do it." "Ask and you shall receive, anything we are there for you guys, all the way, 100 percent." You know we would say the same things to any of you. And we know that this news hurts more than just our family. You all have been so wonderful and loving and generous to us. You have taught us what true friends are what true Christians are! But the truth is I just want one thing and not one person can deliver that. We know God is in control and He will decide whether or not Kenny will stay here or go home. But it still hurts, a lot!!! Please be patient with me I really don't know what to say when asked that question. I know you have the best intentions and I love you all so much. A person couldn't ask for a better group of family and friends than you all. I will come up with something for you to do I promise. Until then your prayers are needed so desperately.

So I spent all day yesterday crying, all day! I couldn't stop. I road with Kenny to pick up Josiah from preschool and sat in the car so no one would see my red blotchy face. I felt so weak and then Josiah climbed into the car tears in his eyes crying, "my teacher yelled at me." I got out of the car and held Josiah and told Kenny, "You better go find out what the heck happened or I will." Kenny calmly walked over to the teacher and they talked for a few minutes and he walked back over to the car and explained the situation. Well you can guess that Josiah wasn't listening to his teacher. She told Kenny that he had been warned 4 times and he kept on doing what he wasn't supposed to do. I knew it was probably his fault but you should have seen his little face. And I was in a very compassionate state for my little guy. He could have asked for anything in that moment and I would have said yes. Well my temporary explosive anger turned into a lesson from God. There is no good reason to unleash your pain on someone else. Check, got that one loud and clear. Good thing Kenny was there to intervene for me or I would have felt worse after yelling at my son's preschool teacher.

The lessons didn't stop there.

I am in a class with this guy who I could read the moment I looked at him. He is clearly full of himself and loud and opinionated and wouldn't you know it, we get put in a group together to do our class project. Oh gee whiz this is going to be interesting. Well this Monday we were going to have a test on chapters 4 and 6 in our books and I had been so busy crying and worrying about my math homework that I forgot all about my business test. Oh great Lord! Now I am going to fail. I am going to FAIL! This is just perfect. This was my prayer in the car as I drove all the way to school on Monday night. I even text Jenny to complain to her about it. She assured me that God was in control and that He knew this was going to happen. So I changed my prayer. I prayed, "OK God you are in control and you knew this would happen so please help me now. I don't want to fail my test but I didn't read any of my book. Go before me Lord and prepare my way." I got to class that night about 3 minutes late (big shock right Alyscia, Late, never!) well there were all my classmates but, where was the teacher? Then I saw that guy from my group. You know the one? Well he said that class had been canceled so we should just go over some of our ideas for the group project since we were all there. Oh wow! No test? This is amazing! I can't believe this!! I really can't believe this. God you did it! You went before me and look I don't have to take my test. I am so amazed that you did this for little old me. I was just yelling at you in the car and you still loved me enough to bless me and answer my prayer. Wow Thank You God!!!

So tonight my teacher was in class and we took our test and I didn't stress too much about it because of what I had witnessed two nights before. My teacher told the class why he wasn't in class the night before last. He said he had some medical issues and after some tests he was told he had a tumor in his bladder. Well apparently after a scope went in to find out what kind of tumor it was, the tech said well there seems to be nothing here. You don't have a tumor. So I guess he was celebrating and that's why he didn't come into class. Strange hu?

So after the test I had a chance to tell the teacher about my situation. I had told some of my group members last time when class had been canceled and they were nice about it. Lucky them, they get the girl with all the baggage in their group. I told the teacher and he said as long as your group is OK with this I think I can make it so that you can do your school work from home so you can spend as much time with your husband as you want to and you wont have to worry about financial aid giving you problems. I was so overwhelmed and speechless I didn't know what to say as everyone in my group nodded in agreement. I was amazed at how the Lord was working everything out for me. He was here for me, He wasn't going to overwhelm me with stress. He had a plan to help me stay in school and finish my classes without me feeling guilty for not being around for Kenny and the kids. He was moving mountains for me because he loves me.

I walked out to my car in the dark of the night and I looked up at the sky and told God Thank you!

But God wasn't done yet.

Then I heard a voice from behind me. It was that guy from my class, the one who I pegged as full of himself and opinionated. He walked over to me and said, "so this is kind of a personal question but I was wondering if you had any support, you know some people or friends to help you out during this crazy time?" I said yes I had a wonderful church and family who were supporting us and loving us through this tough situation. He said, "oh that's good." "I was just wondering if you would be OK if I prayed with you right now or would you feel uncomfortable with that?" I said in shock, "NO not at all I would love that!" He began to pray with me the most wonderful prayer and all I could think about was how I had judged him. I was so ashamed! I didn't deserve this love. I was so wrong! He was such a nice person who was truly amazing. He walked over to me and ask me, not knowing that I was a Christian, boldly asked, if I would like some prayer. Wow! I am undone. He blessed me and I judged him. I can't believe my sinful heart. God why are you so good to me? I don't deserve it! I am a fool. Please forgive me.

I am in the midst of this giant trial and God is with me! God is loving me through this great big life altering trial and still correcting me along the way. Who can do that but God? I wish you could have seen first hand all these wonderful things that the Lord has done just for me in the last few days.

So that's my story, my indescribable unbelievable story. GOD is so good! I love being a Christian! I couldn't imagine going through life without God! Things might not be perfect but with God on our side what can go wrong?

Men Men Men

Men, what can you say about them? We like them, we hate them. We long to be noticed by them. We always want their attention. Did I say we long to be noticed by them? My husband is my best friend and that's the truth. But, sometimes he can drive me absolutely crazy! I'm just being honest and don't pretend you don't have the same issues with your man. Why is that? Why do we idolize our husbands, fathers, leaders, male figures? It's part of the fall of man. When Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil she and her husband were judged, and rightly so, they disobeyed God! They were warned before hand and they still chose to do what they wanted to anyways. So here we are. Part of our curse is that women's desire shall be for man. Genesis 3:16 To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you."

Well there you have it, we brought this on ourselves. So what do we do about it. Recognize their weakness! What is that you ask? They are men, just plain old ordinary men. We forget that they were created right along with us. Yes they may have come first in the order of creation but usually in the bible the older shall serve the younger. I'm just kidding about that part. But seriously, we give them too much credit. They are only human just like we are. They make mistakes and sometimes big mistakes just like we do. Why is that so hard for some of us to remember? We see this guy who says the right things and makes the right moves and botta bing botta boom... he's won our hearts without a second thought. Trust me when I say this too shall pass. There will be a day when the love of your life will hurt your feelings and even mess up royally! Thank God He showed us how to forgive through Jesus' ministry here on earth. We do need to forgive and to understand that the only one who will ever be all we need and more is God! He is our all powerful all knowing all understanding father in heaven. He will never lead us down a wrong path or say the wrong thing. He is perfect and Holy. He is the truth and He knows us better than we know ourselves. He should, He made us. If we would only put Him in His rightful place on the thrown of our lives than we could be more forgiving of our less than perfect husbands and fathers and maybe even pray for them more. To live up to a woman's standard is a difficult thing to do, but God is up for the challenge! Go ahead see if His word will fail you. I bet you will be surprised to find out that He will never break a promise to you and He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Lord help us all to pray more and to look to You for the answers. You are our creator and our loving father. You know exactly what we need in this life to make us into the image you created us for. Please help us to be more forgiving of the men in our lives. Help us to place you in that seat of honor and glory and praise and to pray more for our men to live up to your Holy standard. We are all just human, forgive us for our sins, in Jesus name AMEN!

Need something more?

What satisfies a person? What do you think you need right now that would satisfy your desires? Is it money so you can pay off all those bills and buy that big house you've always dreamed of? Is it a man/woman that understands you and loves you just the way you want to be loved? Is it that cushy job that gives you great medical and dental with paid vacations every year? Is it a latte? The point is that we all think something will satisfy us to the point where we will never want again and I hate to break it to you but if it's one of these things or any other earthly thing, you will thirst again.

So what is the point? It seems this life is all about getting somewhere or achieving something that gives you status or money or respect, and those aren't necessarily bad things. They can feel really good especially when you've over come tremendous circumstances to get to those places. But let's say you get all those things and you are on top of the world, what happens next? Do you finish your race, is that all she wrote? What happens when you've reached the top?

So maybe you know the "right answer" to such questions as these because you've heard them all before. It's family, friends, relationships that are what really satisfies and what truly matters in the end. OK sounds nice enough, but what if you are horrible at relationships? What if you mean well enough but when you try to help your family out they view you as judgmental and you end up alienating the ones you love. Or the opposite happens where you can't stand your family and friends because they just don't understand you.

So does anything satisfy? Do we ever have that void deep inside filled by seeking to have fun or working hard enough to have every life experience or make enough money to buy whatever we want? Or is it filled by being such a "people person" that we are surrounded by friends and family all the time and they just think we are the most pleasant person in the whole world but deep down we still feel alone? Who can answer these questions? Who knows all the answers? You do, or at least you know the One who does.

You see you are a created human being. You have a maker! And even better than that your Maker has supplied the how-to-book of your dreams (hint, it's the BIBLE)! This life comes with instructions! Isn't that the most amazing news you've ever heard? I ended the last paragraph with the sentence, you do for a very important reason. You may be thinking, if I had these answers I wouldn't be so messed up inside. Well the very fact that you are messed up inside speaks big truths about how you do know the answers to these questions. Jeremiah 31: 33 says, "But this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the LORD: I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.

Guess what that means? You know right from wrong, you have that little voice whispering to you that says hmm... this is wrong. But like most of us do we just usually explain that little voice away. It's not like I'm committing murder for goodness sake!

Well what do you think? Is that a good enough answer for how you might know more than you think you do about this life and what might truly satisfy? Still not sure? In Romans 1: 20-25 Paul writes, For since the creation of the world His (God's) invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made (you and me), even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image (like say money or fame or status or___ fill in the blank) made like corruptible man--and birds and four-footed animals (for instance, cow worshipers) and creeping things. Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

What that verse states is that although man knew who God was he turned his back on God to live his own life apart from God. Why? Think of it like this, a child is determined to jump on the couch even after being warned by his mother, 3 plus times, not to jump on the couch. Well this child thinks he's a pretty smart cookie and thinks he can keep jumping because he's having too much fun to consider the possibility that he could fall. Low and behold the child hits the floor but first hits the coffee table on his way down. A painful lesson learned. We are a stubborn race! We are so arrogant and prideful that we can't see the consequences for our actions. We think we know more and can avoid disaster because we are "super special and really cool!"

So we know that we know God and his law because Jeremiah 31:33 says He has written it in our hearts and put it in our minds. We know we turned away from God because we wanted to live our own lives and we didn't need those silly rules or laws because they are so restricting and totally cramped our style anyways. We also know that His invisible attributes are clearly seen and understood by His creation, us. So what do you think is that enough for you to know that you know these answers?

Well if you are still having a hard time let me tell you one more thing. You my dear reader are a big fat sinner, as I am. We can't help it we are born into sin. It's a curse carried down from our ancestors since the creation of time. We are all lost and searching for fulfillment in this life because we have found out the hard way that our way isn't what we thought it would be. But I have GOOD news. God knew we would need a savior. He knew before He even created us that we would need a savior so in His loving kindness He sent His One and only Son to come down and live among His creation. Emanuel, God with us. Jesus Christ our savior lived a sinless life and chose to die a sinners death. He took on the sins of this whole world, He became sin for us so that we might become the righteousness of God through Christ Jesus. God so loved the world! God so loved you that He gave His one and only son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. Ahh yes that is the missing void. Everlasting life with our Maker God. Our Father who lives in heaven. Doesn't that just quench your thirst? God loves us and we are simply blinded to that love because of sin. Don't let sin condemn you, live in the blessed assurance of everlasting life through faith in Christ Jesus and His atoning work on the cross for love of you.

Since we have realize we are sinners and need a savior, what do we do now? Pray, pray, pray. God is never far from us He is always waiting for us to turn around and realize that He's been waiting ever so patiently for this day to come. Prayer can be hard to do, ever wonder why that is? Prayer opens your heart to Him and you've been trying so hard to handle things your own way for so long. Praying to God means you believe and your sin becomes revealed. Nobody likes to see their faults, but I promise you if you confess your sins to God He will remember them no more. He will forgive you and give you a new life. He is overjoyed and is eagerly waiting to hear from you. Please take a minute to pray to Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you in a way that would convince you of His love for you. Ask Him to be your Lord and to help you live this life. Tell Him you're sorry, tell Him your hurts, talk to Him and share you heart with Him. He knows your heartache and He wants to heal you. But you will never know unless you find out for yourself. Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you. God is who He says He is! Ask me how I know I would love to share with you.

To the loves of my life!

I love you all so much! I know I get stressed and sometimes I yell so instead of making excuses I just want to say I am so sorry. I wish I was stronger. I know you don't understand now why things are the way they are but you will one day. Until then I will keep praying that God will protect you. You are so important to me. Keegan you are so smart and you have an obedient heart. I love watching you grow and learn more. I know God has a wonderful plan for your life and I will love every minute of watching His plan unfold. Holly you are so beautiful and so sweet. I love your sensitivity for others. How you cry when they cry. You are going to be an amazing woman one day. God will always be your strength. Josiah you are so darn funny. I love how silly you are. Your laugh is contagious and your hugs are only second to daddy's. You are fearless and I hope you keep that quality except when it comes to God. I hope you learn that fear early on in life and keep it all your days. I pray that for all three of you. Let Him be number one and You'll never lose your way. Please forgive me for the times I fail you. It's a hard fact of life to learn your parents aren't perfect and don't have all the answers and they even make bad choices. The only one you can always count on is God. He will never fail you and He knows everything. He will never make wrong choices, though sometimes your emotions might lead you to think He makes wrong choices. Never give up hope and pray always! You are meant to be hear, there is a reason for all of this. I love you all so much and I will never stop praying for you. I am so blessed to be your mom!

Freedom or Knot?

Downton Abbey is a mini series that I just recently stumbled across.  I couldn’t possible explain the show better than KGF Vissers who wrote this storyline:

Lord Crowley sees his family heritage, especially the grand country home Downton Abbey, as his mission in life. The death of his heir aboard the Titanic means distant cousin Matthew Crawley, a Manchester lawyer, suddenly is next in line and accepts moving onto the vast estate with his even more modernist, socially engaged mother, who clashes with his lordship's domineering, conservative ma the dowager. Marrying off the daughters is another concern. Meanwhile the butler presides over a staff which serves the family but also lead most of their entire lives in the servants’ quarters, intriguing amongst themselves.


I think it’s fascinating to see how people lived in different times. based in the 1900’s, this show got me thinking about life and all the choices and decisions that make or break us. As a culture we seem to gain more and more freedoms every day. I don’t know much about political issues (though I probably should take some more interest than I have) I do know from history that the more freedom we seem to win for ourselves the more troubles arise. It’s like someone gave us a short rope to start off with and we became unhappy with our length of rope convincing ourselves that if we only had a little more rope we could do so much more. So we pleaded our case and were granted a bit more rope. However, after time and the unwavering truth that man is never satisfied, our ropes have become so long that they just seem to tie us up. We have such a long rope we hardly know what to do with it all. And so it seems to be true with our never ending choices; schools, work, marriage, children, food, cars, banking, even religious beliefs, which can send us spinning out of control and tie us up in knots. 

I bring up freedoms because back in the early 1900’s women didn’t have a vote. We were basically told what we would be or do by our fathers or husbands or Lords or Masters. The show portrays a young woman who is the daughter of a Lord. The Lord can only leave his estate to a male heir. Unfortunately the daughter must sit back and watch as her 3^rd cousin who is a male move in on her father’s heritage or she could decide to marry her 3^rd cousin and inherit her father’s estate through marriage. She is so distraught with the ordeal because she is a very stubborn woman. She has two choices but both have to end in her being married to someone. I look at that and think how wonderful it would be to only have two choices. But then, would those women of the 1900's look at me and ask what do I know because I am free and I can live anyway I choose?

What about our children? Is it important that we tell our children that they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up? That can be very overwhelming to a child. I don’t know about you but my husband and I go rounds over what we should have for dinner some nights. If I just plan something and serve it without asking his thoughts he tends to be content with the option I have chosen. How does a child decide on one career and determine to pursue it for the rest of his/her life? This is a big world we live in and a lot can happen in the course of a life. How does anyone know what is the best choice? 

Man has always been greedy and discontented with his life. It started way back in the garden when Adam and Eve became discontent with there heavenly surroundings and chose to turn away from their creator and do things their own way. We are never satisfied!  Hebrews chapter 13 verse 5 through verse 6 says; “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you. So we may boldly say: The Lord is my helper I will not fear. What can man do to me?” The fact of the matter is we never want what we have and we always want what we don’t have or can’t have.

 I look back at the women of the early 1900’s with awe and respect for how they had to live under such submission to authorities. I think some of the bravest women are the ones who courageously and joyfully accept their lot in life.  I look at women now with all our freedom and choices and wonder did we really get a longer rope in which to enrich our lives or have we just entangled ourselves?

I could go on and on about other thoughts that were stirred up by this show but I think I’ll leave it at that for now. I hope that you aren’t offended by my wild thoughts but that you were provoked to ask yourself if you are content with your life and if you are not, should you be?

Got milk?

I have to tell you about my milk.

I was so sad yesterday because we haven't had milk for a few days. We had just come home from Kenny's doc appointment in Seattle and I was proud of myself for saving just enough gas for the trip. Anyways we came home and it was 5 o'clock before I even thought about what to make for dinner.
We were blessed by some friends who gave us a bunch of ground beef the day before but I forgot to pull it out of the freezer. So, I think in exhaustion, I finally sat down in my chair and started to cry. I asked God why He had allowed us to be so weak. How long will we be in this situation and why can't I provide for my children the milk that they need. I was so sad and so tired.
Five minutes later my neighbor comes to my door and hands me a gallon of milk. He said don't worry about paying him back. Then another five minutes go by and Naomi (who is my children's adopted grandmother) comes back from taking my oldest son school clothes shopping (another blessing) and hands me two more gallons of milk. I still don't know why God has allowed this trial into our lives and I still don't know how long it will last, but I do know that God is providing for our every need. It is so hard to be so weak but God is faithful and He will help us get through this, even when I get so upset and question Him. He still loves us even when we have a hard time trusting Him.

I just wanted to share that with you because I am so humbled and touched by yours and others generosity to us. It has been the hardest thing for me to be the recipient of so much because I said in my heart I would never be in need because I would always be able to take care of myself (issues from my past). I don't even have the words to describe my gratitude to everyone, I wonder if anyone really understands how much they have blessed my family. Well only God knows.

One more thing... I love you and I will pray for you with all my heart! God bless you all.

Be anxious for nothing! Really... for nothing!!!

What to eat or what not to eat… that is the question. And another I ask. To take medicine or not to take medicine that is the other question.

I love the Lord’s timing! He is so faithful and good to show us His will and lift us up when we are feeling low. I have been so torn up inside about everything regarding Kenny’s care. I love my husband very much and I have been so afraid that I would make a bad decision regarding his treatment for cancer all the way down to what foods to feed him. That is when God led me to me Romans 14. (Please read this chapter to understand the rest of this blog entry) You see my situation isn’t new to God. People have been pondering these same thoughts for hundreds of years, maybe since the beginning of time. Ecclesiastes teaches us that there is nothing new under the sun. There is a time for everything. A time to be born and a time to die, you know how this goes. God is in control and He doesn’t want us to be so caught up with these questions. God loves us and He knows what we can handle. Let’s face it… we live in a world that is money driven and if you don’t have the money you don’t have the best food or the best doctors or the best medicines. God knows this. He also told us to pray and walk by faith not by sight as we go about our lives. He is the one who predestines our birth and our death regardless of what we decide. God knows if we will be victims of drug abuse or alcoholism, it is God who set the world in motion. We think we know more than He does. I know my 8 year old son likes to think he knows more than I do about life. Oh, we have gotten into a few discussions about how I was made (by the Almighty God) his mother and how, regardless of whether or not he knows more than I do, he still needs to submit to my authority over him. I know that I will not make a decision about my husband’s medical care or nutrition alone. I know that God is with me every step of the way and I know that He will lead me down the path that He has predestined us to go.

I love my Lord and I love how He loves me and my family. He is my rock, my fortress of defense to save me. I love all of you who have been faithful to pray for us during this difficult time. Please let this be a blessing to you. Please don’t live your life in fear of death because death comes to us all. We should all take care of ourselves and make the best choices for our families needs but don’t let those issues consume you. Don’t be judgmental of others who might not make the same nutritious choices you do. Walk a mile in their shoes. God is big and He uses all sorts of ways to teach us and grow us into the image of His son. God has blessed us with wonderful friends and family and that is the only treasure worth seeking after, not money not a long healthy life. We are only given what we are given. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away and still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord.

ON MY KNEES

You say You love me. You say You want me. You say you will be here for me, but here I am and where are You? You have let all this in my life!!! You did this. You have taken everything away from me. What do I have left? You took my childhood. You allowed me to be violated by my mothers boyfriend You let me live in that house for all those years. Just when I thought I had finally escaped that trial You threw another in my face. You are mean. Now you want to take my husband away from me. The only man I've ever let into this crazy painful existence, the only one I ever trusted with all my baggage, You are killing. What did I ever do to You? I've tried my whole life to trust You and pray to You and this is what I get? Why? I made mistakes everyone has but did I do anything deserving of this? Why do You hate me? I cried out to You and You were silent! Why have You forgotten me? What do You want from me? Tell me what to do and I will do it. I just don't want to be in this pain anymore! There are so many ways to kill this pain down here, drugs, alcohol... but I can't bring myself to do that. I want to kill this pain so badly. I need You Lord to heal me. I need real healing! I need You to reach down and lift me up because I can't stand anymore. Help me please I can't do this without You. You are God! You made me and You say You love me. I want to believe that please help me to trust You. No one down here can save me, it's only You who can save me. SAVE ME! I am begging you please God please. I am so weak but You are strong. I am falling apart please piece me back together. I am Yours! Fill me with Your love and Your peace. I know You love me! I know You will be with me. I trust You God, please forgive me. Take what You want to but please don't leave me. I know I have been taking back the past that I gave to You. Please never let me take it back again. I give it all to You, I don't know why You want it but take it anyways. I never want to take it back again. My life belongs to You. I will wait for You to come and rescue me, come and give me life.

Judgemental Me

We are all people. We all eat, we all sleep, and we all poop. Seriously, we have a lot more in common than we would like to admit. So why do we judge one another by our petty little differences? Because we are wicked at heart. Because we don't see the evil that springs out of our thoughts and our mouths until it's right in front of us lying there on the ground. And instead of cleaning up the mess we made we try to cover it up or explain it away. But it still stinks!

I was wondering why I act one way around one person and a different way around someone else. Here comes my "explanation"; because I want that person to like me, I want to be liked. Is that strange? No, it's not strange. We all want to be liked, loved even. Family can be so difficult to talk to but they are the people we want to love us the most. Even when our family hurts us we still want them to like us. Why? God has knit the hearts of family so much closer together than other hearts. So close in fact that they see more of us then the rest of the world. They see the ugly parts of us. They know our secrets and they know where and how we started. They know how hard we try and they've seen how hard we fall. They see our mistakes sometimes before we do. That's a big problem!

There are some that think of themselves as "saviors". These people aren't bad intentioned people just confused. They've experienced pain and they were scarred by it. They hold onto that pain as a reminder to never let that happen again. These confused people think that if they shout out a warning every time a loved one looks like they might be headed down the path of pain that they can somehow save them from the same fate of pain and heartache. Unfortunately, for that person, their shouts sound more like judgements and ridicules than the warnings of a concerned loved one.

I read a story about a butterfly just recently. There was this person who was eagerly awaiting the emerging of a butterfly from it's cocoon. The process had just started and the person watched in amazement as the butterfly struggled to be reborn. As the person looked on they decided that the butterfly surely could use some help because it seemed it was struggling too hard for a brand new butterfly, something had to be wrong. So the person took a tiny pair of scissors and ever so carefully cut open the rest of the cocoon to free the butterfly from it's struggles. That person must have felt such a sense of pride and triumph after "saving" this creature from it's terrible struggles. However something strange happened after that. The butterfly's wings were free but something was wrong. It didn't seem to have beautiful bright colors as other butterflies did. In fact this butterfly seemed to be getting weaker. Not long after that the butterfly died. The reason the butterfly didn't survive was simply because it had not had the chance to grow stronger through the trials of being reborn. The creature needed that trial to grow stronger healthier muscles and pump the blood into it's magnificent wings. God created all His creatures with that similar purpose in mind. He wants all of us to be as magnificent and beautiful as He has designed us to be. But sometimes the self proclaimed "saviors" of this world end up doing more harm than good.

Let's leave the saving to the real savior Jesus Christ. When we act as a person's "savior," we are confusing that person into thinking that maybe we are a savior or maybe there is a such thing as a human savior. THERE IS NOT! Let's not hold onto past hurts, give them to God and ask for His healing. Let's not pretend to know more than we do. Let's, all of us let the Lord do the saving from now on. We are only to work with God towards "our own" salvation, not the salvation of others. That's why we need to pray more and fix less. We will all struggle in this life, but God is faithful to complete the work He has started in us until it is finished!

Forgive me father for I have sinned! Restore what I arrogantly took from others that You might have meant for their good. Help me to only work out my own salvation with fear and trembling. You are God of all, I am just Your creation. Thank You for Your Son and His atoning death on the cross. If it wasn't for Jesus I would be lost forever. Thank You for continuing to guide me and teach me. Thank You for not forsaking me. You are patient and long suffering. You are LOVE.
1 Corinthians 13 1-13

Tomorrow morning is Kenny's surgery and we can't sleep. When I think about life and all the things that can go wrong in an instant I wonder why we ever bother to be upset at one another. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings just don't seem to rate on the importance scale when you are in the midst of a life or death situation. In fact the only thing I have been thinking about is, when is the Lord coming back and what does He want me to be doing in the mean time? But somehow we get caught up in this strange existence and pile on emotions and selfish thoughts and boom, you have the world we live in today. Why are people so driven by money? Why are there hungry people when we have so much to share? Why do people seek sex and drugs over Truth and righteousness? Why do children suffer at the hands of their own parents? Why? It all started with hurt feelings and pain. It all started when we didn't follow His laws. Yes God knows that we are feeble and weak, selfish, wretched people so He made a way out for us all. And it's the simplest kind of answer too. Believing in His Son Jesus! He came down to earth, died for our sins and said if we believe we are eternally saved. It couldn't be more simple! But we let our greed and self love get in the way of our own salvation. We would rather sit in our messed up lives then have to believe. It's really disgusting.
Well anyways a person's rantings can't save anyone. Only the Holy Spirit can guide a soul to salvation. I pray that wherever you are and what ever life you are living that you would stop and ask God to save you. I pray that you would wake up and realize that this life isn't all there is. That there is something far greater and far more meaningful and fulfilling than this life. I pray that you would know that you CAN'T save yourself and that you need God! I pray that you would start to seek Him and pray to Him and be healed from your sicknesses and your hurts and your sufferings. I pray that you would be saved from your addictions and from your thoughts that are trying to ruin you. God can do it! Do you believe? Will you ask Him or would you rather roll the dice and wait for.... the perfect time. What are you waiting for? You have nothing to loose and eternity to gain. It's really very simple! We just make things difficult!

Feeling a Small Amount of Peace

God is so faithful. He gave me this image of life and I wanted to share it with you. I have three of the most adorable children ever. I was watching them play the other day and wondering why they do some of the silly things they do. They were filling up these plastic water bottles with water and running around the yard trying to get each other wet. I said to my husband, "why do kids do weird things like that? They get the biggest kick out of mindless games." Well sure enough someone got hurt. Holly my only girl came toward me as slowly as possible because she was so wounded, or so she wanted me to think. She was screaming in pain and trying to tell me what happened. Some how she slipped on one of the plastic bottles and fell on her back. I prayed with her and held her for a little while until her older brother came over and gave her a hug and asked if she wanted to go play again. I thought there was no way I would go back out there but she stopped crying and her voice was just as if nothing had happened and she ran back outside with her brother. What in the world is that? Kids are so funny! They play these silly games and if experience has taught them anything it's that typically someone will get hurt while playing, right? Does that stop them from wanting to have fun, not at all. They seem to enjoy the fun so much that when the pain comes it's almost worth the cost. Has it been so long since I was a child that I have forgotten how to enjoy life and just have fun? Has the pain gotten so bad that I have just removed myself from joy and laughter because I am anticipating the pain that is bound to happen? I think I forgot that this life doesn't come with guarantee's. There is pain in this life and that is a fact but does that mean we should stop having fun and just focus on the pain? I don't know about you but that just sounds ridiculous to me.

Thank You Lord for my children and for their carefree view on life. Thank You for my life as crazy as it is right now and please help me not to take these days for granted. Time is precious and so is life and I know that you would rather us enjoy the time we have here than to focus on the pain and suffering of this life. You are so good to us. Teach us to live more like little children. Rain or shine, pain or joy, help us to trust that you are in control and will be with us. In Jesus name amen!

Trials or Blessings?

I am angry. I'm not fearful, just feel like at any moment I could blow up. Our family has been trying so hard to get back to life as usual and it seems that's not going to happen now. Kenny and I decided after many clear MRI's that we would trust that God has restored Kenny's health and we should get back to our life. Before that decision I was going to school and trying to get prepared to take over the provider role because the doctors told us we would only have 3 years. Things were well on their way with Kenny all set up for financial aid and enrolled for fall quarter 2011. Then we went in for another MRI and plans changed in an instant.

How am I supposed to react? My best friend, my husband and the father of my children is going to have another brain surgery. He is going to be treated again for cancer. I can't fall apart because my children need me to keep it together. I can't pray because I don't know why God would bring this back. I really truly was starting to believe that we would be the lucky ones. That God had mercy on us and saved our family from being torn apart by this silent killer.

I don't know what to say I am weak! I have to say how I am feeling because if I hold it in any longer I will become something I don't want to be, bitter. I know that I have a choice to make. I know that this can go two different ways. I can hang on to my anger and let it build up in my heart until I become hard and lose my compassion and my love, or I can be weak and cry and trust that while this may hurt a lot, God is in control and He loves my family and He will be with us as we walk throw this fire again. It's sounds so easy when I type these words but you and I both know it's so hard!

So please don't expect me to be strong. Please don't expect me to respond the way you think I should. I can only be me and that is someone who is hurt and confused. I will try to pray I will seek God and I will not walk away! God has done so many good things in my life that I can't deny Him. He restored my marriage, He gave me back my baby when doctors told me I had lost him, He has provided for our every need while we went through the first battle with cancer and He will be with us through this battle too!

God please help me. Please forgive me for the times I have lost my temper or snapped at someone who didn't deserve it. I am so weak and I need you. I want to trust you please help me to believe. Don't let bitterness build up in my heart. I need Your strength to feel this weak!!!

BE REAL

We are bad Representatives of Christ to the world. We need to take responsibility for ourselves. We call ourselves Christians but we don't seek God. Christianity is a lifestyle not a Sunday morning or Wednesday night. People should see a difference in us and we blend right in. How did it get like this? Why does our strength come from a coffee cup and not from our God? Lord we are fools! We cry out for help but never take the steps necessary to change. We are making fools of You Lord when we post these scriptures on facebook or in text messages and fail to live up to them. God forgive us and save us from our foolishness.

What Have We Done? Random Thoughts.

This generation is at such a disadvantage! It is more common that children come from broken homes than loving ones. It is more common that the children of this era are connected more to facebook than their own family. The enemy has been at work and we have been asleep. WAKE UP!!!

There are a lot of Christians out there who think that they just have to read the Word and everything will be OK. Where in the bible does it say that if you chant these verses like a magic spell that things will just happen? Proverbs is a great place to start doing instead of just reading because the name of the book is PRO...Verbs... Come on people a verb is an action word!!!

It took me a long time to figure out that life was more than just whats happening with me. It took me even longer to figure out that the only One who could help wasn't a doctor with his/her own television show. Yes it has been a long time since Jesus walked the Earth but we are to NOT lose heart! We have fallen so far away from God. I know Jesus is coming back because I see the signs, do you?

He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly Proverbs 13:24. Parents don't think for one second that if you refrain from disciplining your child that they will love you more. In fact the opposite is true. We are responsible to God for how we raise our children.

Don't put off till tomorrow that which can be done today!!!! BIBLE Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth!!! Ignorance is not bliss because we live in a nation where God and His Word can be found if we seek Him with all our hearts. We will have no excuse when we stand before our Lord on that day. He will say "what did you do with the life I gave you?" If we just lived for ourselves we have been wicked servants.

God help us all to be good stewards of our time on this planet. We are so blessed in this rich nation but the enemy would have us look at all the bad things in our own lives instead of remembering the GOOD! God we are living in a modern day Babylon, like frogs in a pot that is slowly being turned up to boiling so are we. Help us to move!!! Help us to PRAY!!! WE NEED YOU GOD.

So Distracted

Things in this life can be unclear. We are so use to the quick fix. We have been spoiled with all this technology that delivers fast, fast, fast into our everyday lives. When things start to seem unclear as we're heading down this highway of our lives we should clean the windshield off, right? fortunately we have windshield whippers so we don't need to pull over (or unfortunately). But what if you're out of cleaning fluid? Aha, now you have to pull your fast car over and clean that windshield!

Slow down and pay attention to the little things that you've been neglecting as you try to take on the world. So you'll be late to your meeting. Better to be a little late than not show up at all because you've been horribly mangled in an automobile accident. Sorry about all the car analogy's, we've been experiencing some car troubles recently.

I have been questioning why we choose not to do things God's way. I think I've figured out a few of the reasons why. God rarely works fast, especially when He's trying to change a person's life around. It took people a lot of years to get that banged up and wounded and it will take time to heal. We hate those words!!! We really hate those words. "Take time to heal are you kiddin' me I have to work, I have a dead-line to meet, I have a life to live."

That's where things start to get shady and unclear. We think the sooner we get back to life as usual the better. So, in the name of the "quick fix" we try every remedy and "pill" from here to kingdom come. But maybe, just maybe, God wants you to slow down. Maybe He has been trying to get your attention and you've been so connected to e-mails and facebook and cell phones and those quick fix remedies that you haven't been listening. Hmm...?

I've seen those ad's on TV and the side effects and the possibilities that you could be doing more harm than good are ridiculous. Just wait on the Lord. Wait and pray and know that He is the same God that saved the Israelites out of Egypt and the same God that created, that little thing we call, THE UNIVERSE.

OK so now your car is broken your heart is hurting and you have the flu. Yeah you better slow down because there is something you are missing and God is trying to get you to listen. What better time then now? Isn't it funny how we "can't miss this call" but we are willing to put off praying to our creator.

God we are so like sheep. We just see that greener pasture and we run for it at full speed without even noticing that danger is lurking just over that hill getting further and further away from our shepherd as we run. God help us to follow You and only You. We are so distracted by the things in this world. We just need to keep our eyes on You and trust that you will be the light unto our paths and our fortress of defense.

The enemy is so good at distracting us and keeping us chasing that dollar. He loves to see us put school and work and even our own health issues above God. Because when we do that he knows that he's won half the battle.

We are so forgetful when it comes to things God has done in our lives but the bad stuff is right out in the front. We dwell on the negative when we should be remembering the positive. Please don't forget the things the Lord has done for you. I'll remind you of one right now. He gave His One and Only Son in your place. Jesus paid the debt you owed so that your sins may be forgiven. Praise the Lord! If you have nothing else to be thankful for than that, I'd say you are blessed!

Beauty from Pain

You know what I realized today? Every thing has to be broken to be made beautiful. Have you seen the Tulips this year? The Earth had to be tilled and broken to grow such a beautiful flower. Even a mother had to be broken to bring her child into this world. So really it should be obvious that God would send His Son to be broken and bruised for our benefit. It's the way God makes things beautiful.

No Pain No Gain

You broke my heart the other day. I was holding on so tight while You gentley pulled me away. Once I was free it scared the life out of me. I fell for a while; hurting, trembling crying. But somehow You knew just what to do.

You alone are God, You alone are the One. Now I can breath again, now that it's done.

How do You do the things that You do? How do You turn pain and suffering into joy and life brand new?

You alone are God, You alone are the One. Now I can breath, now that it's done.

It's hard to believe what You've done, born to us Your One and only Son. Holy and pure, loving and true. You came to suffer the pain and make us all brand new.

You alone are God, You alone are the One. Now You can breath again, now that it's done!

Trying to Have Faith as a Mustard Seed

Lord, I know you are in control. I have seen you do some amazing things. Why is it so hard for me to trust? I know you know the pain I am having and I know you've heard my prayers for help. It's just the waiting part that is really getting to me. I want to believe Lord help my unbelief. I will follow you no matter what the outcome is God because without you I have no hope. You are the only reason I am still here today. You have saved me from some pretty horrible situations and I am truly grateful. You are God and in the end You are God. Better to be suffering with You than without You. If You choose this for me for awhile then so be it. Your will be done God not mine. Please just strengthen me and give me Your peace. I couldn't make it through one day with out You. There are a lot of people suffering in the world tonight and in a lot worse pain than mine. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly and the love of my family. I am rich! I pray you would keep my from whining too much and take away these fears of the future. I Love You Lord and I owe You all of me. In Your son Jesus' name Amen!

Restless

I had a horrible night sleep. Josiah is sick and his fever spiked during the night and he was just so miserable. He slept on the couch so he didn't keep Keegan and Holly up. This being the 5th night he's slept on the couch Kenny and I decided that both of us would sleep on the floor next to him. Comfy? Not a chance! But I just kept thinking how horrible Joisah felt and my comfort was not an issue any more. Josiah's fever would go down but his struggle wouldn't subside, because next he would go into a coughing fit. He struggled so much last night that I was considering going in to the E.R., and who wants to do that? After hours of praying and pleading with God to heal Josiah's sickness at about 4:45 in the morning he finally calmed down and rested peacefully. Kenny and I had been trying to take turns on who would tend to Josiah so the other could get some rest but in the end we were both up the whole night. So Here I am now at 6:15am blogging about my horrible night sleep when I could be sleeping myself.

The house is quiet now and everyone is fast asleep except for me. I can't stop thinking about every single person I know. I keep praying for everyone and wondering if sleep will ever find me again. Not tonight I guess, or this morning would be more accurate. I have nothing to offer anyone of my friends or family as they struggle with their own pains and sicknesses. I can only pray that they cry out to God and let Him save them from their suffering. He's the only one who can, He's the only one who has all the answers. There is power in prayer!

To all my friends and family who are struggling right now with pain and sufferings please know I am praying for you. I don't have all the answers and I don't know why some seem to suffer more than others but I do know the One who does know all things. God loves you too and more than anyone in this dark world could. He wants to help you and be your savior but He wont force Himself on anyone, it's not His nature. Bring all your burdens to Him because He wants to carry you through this. He wants to show you a better way. He wants you to believe in what He did for you so many years ago. He knows that this world is full of sin and darkness, He knew that from the beginning. That's why He made a way of escape for all of us through His Son Jesus Christ who paid for our sins on the cross. I know that right now you don't want to see your sins because someone else's sin is what led you to your sin right? You just worry about your right standing with God and know that He is a Just and righteous God and He knows who hurt you and one day He will wipe away every tear from every eye and there will be no more pain or sadness. Have faith my love that He will deal with everyone according to their own works.

What is it worth?

God how is it that you love us? Your love and patients amazes me. God You created this world and all that dwell in it. You did it with a beautiful plan in mind. You gave us free will and then You sent Your Son to save us from the bad choices we would make. You knew all along that we would be prideful, self centered, glory seeking sinners and You made a way of escape for us all. You are so good and we are so undeserving. I want to be Yours and do Your will because You saved me from myself. I know that choosing to follow You will mean that I will have to obey Your law's and Your direction for my life and I will submit to that.

God my heart is broken for those who don't know You or think they know You but really don't. God You are the same yesterday, today and forever and I think our nation has watered down Your word and changed it to fit their own lives. It's sad because they will loose their soul if they don't figure that out. God it is so easy for our nation to find You. All's anyone has to do is pick up the Bible and read and pray for understanding. Other nations aren't so lucky they can't just pick up a Bible when they want to because a lot of places have outlawed Your word. Who needs to know that You are the One and Only True God? What other religions do you know of that are outlawed? What other religions do you know that are as controversial as Christianity? Not too many people can handle the Truth. Jesus' name offends sinners and they try to hide from Him because He reveals sin and that can sting. He is the light in this dark world and darkness hates light. Guess what people I have news for you... you are not the only one that has broken one of his laws. Everybody sins and falls short of the glory of God. That's why He sent His Son to die for our sins. Jesus died, He died for you. He was so much in love with you that he died for you before you were born. He knew you would have so much pain and heartache in this world because of sin and He knew that sin would destroy us all so He came and He opened the eyes of the blind and healed the sick and dying He forgave sins and He paid the price for us all. We don't have to suffer in this life anymore because He rose again and will come again to judge the living and the dead. When that happens what side will you be on? Will you be among the believers who lived their lives for Christ or will you be one of the ones who hear, "Depart from me for I never knew you". I pray that you will be among the ones singing praises to our Lord for all eternity.

There is a God and He created everything you see and everything you don't see. There is a devil and he wants you too. He wants to keep you from ever knowing Jesus. He is the father of lies and the author of confusion. He will do whatever it takes to keep you in your sin. He will tell you that God still loves you if you just sin a little bit, you're really a good person and that's all that matters. It's not like you've killed anyone. God will still be there when your 60 so you can give him your life then. You'll still be around you are invincible. Don't worry about God right now.

A sin is a sin and whatever is holding you back from a relationship with Jesus Christ I pray right now that you would surrender it to Him who can redeem all things. God desires that none would parish but He left that part up to us. What will you choose? What is worth eternal damnation to you? What are you willing to give up heaven for? God save us all.