To God be the glory.

I saw a video clip the other day that made me tear up. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed since I've started my journey as a christian and this video came at the appointed time. God knows everything I'm going through and I keep saying I know that, but I keep missing it. He really knows everything. He sees it all not just the really bad times when I can only cry out in prayer but every time I sigh and every time I feel too tired to even consider whats for dinner. He knows when I don't feel like there is a single person in the whole wide world who understands what I'm going through and He softly says "I know". He is with me right now as I am sharing my words with whoever happens to stumble across my blog page. He is holding me up every second of every day. I could not go through this life with out Him and He knows that too. I am so unworthy of His love, I can never be worthy of His love. How I got so lucky as to stumble across this amazing love I will never know. I am just me, nothing special, A mother of 3 children, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a stranger in this land. I am His and nothing can take that away. No sickness or circumstance or even death can take away my faith in His love for me. I have seen many trails in my life and there is nothing too hard or too big that God can't handle. He takes my fears away and gives me peace. What do I have to be afraid of? I am in awe of how God has brought me through so many trials and even though I am still in the middle of some trials now I know that God will finish the work He began in me. This heart only lives for you Lord.

A tale from my past.

I can't get this song out of my head. It keeps playing over and over again. It's five o'clock in the morning and my mind is fully awake with song, and here comes the show toons.... Funny how meaningless jargon floods your brain. Music is my therapy session, but not right now. The only music I hear is this darn show toon! I feel like a CD is skipping in my head. That could drive a person crazy. I'm just sitting here in my bright yellow robe, sipping my luke warm coffee. I don't want to drink it too fast because I love it's company and it's great smell and yummy taste. Of course if I drink it too slowly it will get cold and then I can't drink it. Weird because the taste is the same and if I add a little ice it would be an iced coffee. OK there is some coffee talk for ya. At least I finally got that song out of my head, no wait, it's back.

This day is different from other days, for one thing it's still dark outside and I'm awake. It's different because it's quiet. The two loves of my life, 3 year old Keegan and 1 year old Holly, are still asleep in their beds. I feel different today, like I haven't felt before. What is it? It's comfort. I'm comfortable? Well, yes and something else, comfort by itself wouldn't be so different. I've been comfortable before. Happy? Well, I'm not sad. Yes, I'm definitely happy. Happy and comfortable. Oh yeah that's nice. I haven't felt this way in.... What day is it? Thursday that's right. November 16th 2006, day after Kenny's birthday. Wow, time can fly. You know I miss you. Oh great there goes the happy right out the window. Hold on a minute somebody just opened up the emotional flood gates. OK I'm fine now.

I just got the best Christmas CD at Walmart last night. Christmas with the rat pack. I love the old time Christmas songs. They bring back memories of my childhood. Not that I love memories of my childhood, but Christmas time is magical. It can drown out the bad things with visions of twinkling lights in dimly lit rooms full of festive decorations and ornaments. Smells of tasty food and drinks surround everything. Soft music plays and people laugh and tell stories while children run and play around a big tree with lots of presents wrapped underneath and hope and love fill your heart. Oh I love those memories. It's hard to listen to Christmas songs now. I never thought there would be a time when I didn't want Christmas to come. My head hurts. The sun is coming up now. I'd better start moving. I need to take a shower and do my hair. The living room is a mess with toys and shoes and that box in the corner. It keeps sitting there day after day. I put it there you know. It's full of pictures and baby books and frames and board games. I packed it a while ago. We almost moved. Kenny couldn't go back to work for a month after.... So, he said lets move and he even started to look for a new job. Then he went back to work, so there sits the box. Maybe I'll unpack it today, or maybe not. OK I'm getting up now. I'll talk to you latter.

My struggle, My prayer

I am not a patient person and I love to be in control of things. Not the best qualities to have but I am a work in progress. I have been struggling with these issues for as long as I can remember. I would like to think that I have everything under control but that is a lie. I don't have the answers and I sure don't have everything under control. My life is a whirlwind of trials right now and I am not sure how to escape the funnel cloud. I believe that God can use the trials in my life for good and that even now He has a plan, but it drives me crazy not knowing where the road is going to lead and what we will face next. I feel stronger than I was yesterday thanks to Gods words in Philippians 4: 6-7, Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be made know to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. I feel like I can give my worries to God but I fail to hear what He wants me to do. I need direction and I need a plan but I want to be in God's will. How do you know when you are hearing from the Lord? They say doors will begin to open when you are hearing from the Lord. How do you know when to step out in faith and when to wait on the Lord. There are too many unknowns.

God you are in control. I give it all to you and I ask for your direction in every aspect of my life. Show me where to start. Lord lead my steps and keep me from going my own way. I want to be in your will God. I have gone down the roads of my own and they lead to destruction. I need you God to be the light unto my path. Please help me to discover what your will is for me. I am restless and afraid. I love you God and I pray you would forgive me for not trusting that you are in control of my life. Help my restless heart from going down a path you didn't will. I will wait on you Lord please deliver me speedily. In Jesus name I pray Amen.

Venting, frustrations

I feel like I have to share a few experiences I had at my children's pediatrician. Now I know we have all experienced bad times at the doctors office but some things need to be addressed; like receptionists being warm and friendly, and nurses doing their job properly, and maybe doctors taking extra care to check that the work the nurses are doing is done up to code, doctors are the superiors after all of their nursing staff.
Lets face it we have all had our bad days at the doctors office, and I'm sure even the receptionist and doctors and nurses have bad days. You need to be professional and courteous and understanding when you work for a doctors office, you are involved in some of the most intimate parts of peoples lives. When you are greeted over and over again by a cranky person who lacks compassion as you sign your child into his appointment or as you are leaving the office you begin to wonder why she/he has such a position. Usually receptionist set the tone for the visit with the doctor and if you get off on the a wrong foot the minute you walk in the door your setting yourself up.
For example I recently had to take my son who is 19 months old to this office for a high fever. It was August 17th and he was very sad and hadn't eaten all day and I was concerned because his fever had gone up to 103 degrees that day. My son had a seizure earlier this year in February due to a fever of 103 so I was getting more worried by the minute. I came into the office and signed my son Josiah in. Let me go back a little further. In January my husband Kenneth had a seizure. I took him to the ER and after some tests the doctor had to tell us the news no family wants to hear, CANCER. He had a tumor the size of a baseball in his brain and needed brain surgery the next day or he wouldn't make it. Thank God he made it through the surgery. Well needless to say it is now August and my family has been through A LOT. Kenneth has not been able to go back to work and his insurance is running out. The state has granted us medical to cover us when his insurance is used up.
So back to Josiah's doctor visit, I handed the receptionist my medical insurance from my husbands work, which is still good till September, and I also showed her my medical card from the state and informed her that my husbands insurance was running out and this would be our new insurance. She took the card and we got in right away to see the doctor. Unfortunately our visit would be one of the worst we've had. The doctor saw my son and decided to have his blood tested because his fever was his only symptom, but one mistake by a nurse would send us on a journey through many unnecessary, painful and traumatic procedures. The nurse contaminated his first blood test so the doctors were looking for an infection they wouldn't find. My son had to endure a catheter and a blood draw and 2 shots of antibiotics that he didn't need. So after my son had screamed himself into a sleeping coma we headed out of the office. We were stopped by a very uncaring receptionist who informed me that we couldn't come back and shouldn't have been seen that day. There was no hello, or how is your son feeling, just straight for her pay check I guess. She had no compassion and was not willing to offer any thing but her "sorry you cant come back because your medical card is not excepted here". Umm OK well the doctor wanted to see my son the next day for a follow up (we didn't know yet about the contamination with his blood test). So she said without looking at us, "We will see you through this illness". Really? I have been taking my children to this clinic for over 6 years, since my oldest son was born, and all of a sudden because of a mistake that could be handled by simply calling the number on the back of the card I get treated like a criminal who just stole something from a store. I have been to a lot of doctor offices since the beginning of this year and this was the only time I ever felt like I wasn't wanted there. How can a parent or a child be treated in such a manor? A receptionist is unknowingly involving herself in some of the most intimate and painful experiences a family can go through just by sitting behind a counter. A doctors office is a place we go to get help when we feel the most vulnerable and lets face it some people are at the doctors office a lot more than others, so shouldn't a person who is employed by a doctors office have some kind of people skills at least?
I am very upset by this whole ordeal and whats worse is it could have all been avoided. Some one needs to address these issues and something must be done. I know I am not the only one who has been treated in such a manor and who has had to deal with the mistakes of the doctors offices since this isn't the first time something like this has happened to us at this same doctors office. I shouldn't have to find another doctors office to bring my children to. If there is an issue or problem we should address it and learn from these mistakes and try to better your services. I hope that in writing this letter I can raise awareness and maybe even bring out other stories from people who thought they were alone in their struggles with this doctors office or others. I hope some action will be taken to avoid such mistakes in the future.

Trusting the Lord

A little disappointed to say the least. It seems this year has proven to be one of many doctors appointments and life altering decisions. We have been through a lot this year, I was really hoping to go on a relaxing trip with my husband to just enjoy each others company and have some fun. Dana and Naomi got us tickets to Hawaii and 2 days before we leave Josiah gets a fever. They did test after text on my little guy to see what was wrong. They said there was an infection somewhere but after all the tests and waiting for results the doctor said the nurse who checked his blood the first time didn't clean his skin off well enough and some bacteria that lives on the skin (not harmful) contaminated the blood sample and he has no infection, just a virus. My poor baby had to have a catheter and blood drawn and shots of antibiotics for nothing. I don't really know what to think at this point except that God is in control. I don't know why Josiah had to go through everything he did or why Kenny and I missed our trip but I am choosing to trust God. I am very sad but I am praying for strength and I hope that one day Kenny and I will get another chance to go away together.

God is Love

God is Love

What can love do?

Love creates miracles anew';

love is understanding, love is Innocent and pure,

love gives you hope for tomorrow,

love never closes the door.

Love can bring sadness and pain,

but a love without any pain,

what would be the gain?

Why do our hearts break for love?

because ours is a love so full to the top,

it's hard to believe it could ever stop.

So with love we grab hold of faith;

believe with all our hearts,

and hope with all our strength,

that today their is no end to a love so deep,

for God created this world out of His love,

He will never sleep.

What can God do?

He will create miracles anew'

He will hold us in his loving arms knowing we may be weary,

from a journey through the love and pain,

yes the Lord will even carry.