Sunday, November 27, 2011


I don't even know where to begin. I am so grateful for my friends and family who provided a wonderful trip for my family to Disneyland this past week. It was truly a blessing to be able to just have fun with my husband and my children. We were spoiled to the max! Every ride was a new adventure and meeting the Disney characters was a fairy tale come true. It was so much fun. Disney took it to a whole new level at night, the fireworks and the light shows were amazing and they even made it snow on the crowds of people. Truly truly wonderful.

I have to be honest though, I started to have apprehensions about going the night before we were supposed to leave on our family vacation. I don't know what came over me...wait, yes I do, fear! Fear that if I went to Disneyland it would somehow make this whole thing a reality. Kenny's cancer would really be back and really be threatening his life. If I accepted this extravagant gift it would be like I was accepting what was happening to my family and I didn't want to accept it! I wanted God to know that I only wanted one thing and that was to have my husband be healthy and able to work again and go back to life as usual. Take anything You want Lord just please don't take my husband!!! Take our money take our home take our cars take anything else just please don't take him. I'll do anything!!! We went on our trip and it was a blast. I am so glad I didn't ruin the trip for us with my bad attitude.

I am still struggling, I mean really struggling to hold on to anything at this point. It has gotten to the point that I am beginning to revert back to some old habits like anger and anxious thoughts and crippling fear. I hate feeling like this. I hate what is happening to my family! I love what the Lord has done in us and I have been front row in witnessing some amazing things that God has done only for us during this difficult time.

He has been true to His word! He has provided far more and far grater things for us than I could have ever imagined. He is good! But I am NOT OK with losing my husband! I don't want to do it. I know God could choose to heal Kenny at any time. I know that God could take me home before He takes Kenny. I know all of that but I still don't want to lose him. I love him.

I am not like Abraham! I am not strong enough to give freely someone I love so much. Even as I type these words I think of how God gave His ONE and ONLY SON as a sacrifice for my sins, for all of our sins. Yes I know I sound selfish, but you can't understand until you've walked a mile in my shoes. It's easy looking in from the outside to say things like God is in control and God will give you peace if you ask for it.


Why on earth would I want that? I want to be angry! I want God to know I am not happy about this.  Do You hear that Lord? I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS!

My daughter said the most amazing thing as we were flying through the sky in the airplane that would take us to Disneyland. She said, "Wow from up here the whole world looks so small." I knew that was for me from God. He wanted me to know that He is still in control even though it feels like things are falling apart. Then I thought about how we were so helpless at that very moment and vulnerable to so many fates. We could have easily fallen out of the sky to our deaths. I mean we truly have no control over our own lives! We think if we eat right and take our vitamins that all will be well but oops, didn't see that car coming, SPLAT! Done for! Things that make you go hmm.

Ever want an answer, like now? What are You going to do God? What do You have in store for my family? I need to know God!

God is never in a hurry. God wasn't in a big hurry when He sent His son down to us. It seems He took His sweat time getting things going. But all through the Old Testament God was working and preparing and making ready His wonderful plan. Then, when Jesus was finally here with us, Emanuel, He was too small to do anything. He was a baby, a tiny vulnerable baby. He had to grow and become a man before His great work could be accomplished.

It took another 30 some years before He would die on the cross and conquer death. Yet all around Him people were sick and dying and in need of a savoir. He died and people didn't even understand what He had done until three days later. He died for our sins and conquered death and there are still people who don't know Him or His great accomplishment.

I know waiting on God is what is needed in my situation. I know that waiting on Him and having faith that He is with me is the answer to my problems. Why is it so hard to TRUST HIM? Why do I question the creator or waste my time being angry with a situation that is out of my control? Why do I let my emotions run my life?

Why am I afraid to let go of my anger and my fears and ask for His peace that surpasses ALL understanding? Maybe, because I can't figure it out on my own. Maybe the reason I am so fearful is because I don't know! I don't know where this road is leading. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know! This is the truest test of faith. I hate not knowing!

So what do I know?  I know that God is in control! I know that He is for me! I know that He will be with me! I know that He is!!! Peace? Well OK I don't know what it will look like but my way isn't working out so great.

Peace that surpasses all understanding...

It surpasses all understanding...

I wont be able to figure it out, in other words I just have to trust that it will be from God and therefore it will be good.

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. (Psalm 37:7)

I read this passage in Andrew Murray's, Waiting on God devotinal; "Be still before the Lord. It is resting in the Lord, in His will, His promise, His faithfulness, and His love, that makes patience easy. And the resting in Him is nothing but being silent unto Him, still before Him. Having our thoughts and wishes, our fears and hopes, hushed into calm and quiet in that great peace of God which passeth all understanding."

I read that and pictured a mother holding her newborn baby, who was fearful of everything because everything was new, gently softly talking and rocking and reassuring the child that everything will be alright.
God please take my fears, take my future, take my anxious thoughts and my anger too. Take them all and please just hold me. Hold me and reassure me that everything will be alright. You are in control. You are in control. You love me and You will be with me always. Peace! Praise the Lord.

Saturday, November 5, 2011


Lately I am more scared of myself than anything else.  I want to be angry!  I really want to be angry, but when I go to my blog page to vent my anger and frustrations, I can't do it.  I hate feeling like this!  Sadness, to me, has always been linked with weakness.  Anger, now that makes me feel stronger.  It gives me a sense of power.  It makes me feel like I am in control.  I hate that my husband has this stupid cancer!  I hate that there is no cure!  I hate that I can't do anything to change this!  I hate feeling so weak!
That's a lot of hate.  But then there's love.  I love that out of all the people in the whole world I was the one that got to be Kenny's wife.  I love that God brought us together and gave us our beautiful children.  I love that Kenny is so strong in his faith.  I love watching how many lives are touched and some even changed forever by the work the Lord is doing through Kenny.  I love knowing that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.  I love knowing the TRUTH!
Sometimes I feel the scale tipping more to one side than the other.  Sometimes I want to put on anger and hatred, but, what would that do?  The only thing anger and hatred has ever done is destroy lives.  I hated for a long time.  I was angry for a long time.  I had hurts that couldn't be consoled away.  I had the kind of pain that wakes you up at night with tremendous fear and uncontrollable tears.  I wanted to kill the pain so bad, and in different ways I did.  For a time I dealt with my pain in unhealthy ways like, drinking, and partying.  I thought if I looked happy on the out side that some how that would make me happy on the inside.  I thought I had to be the change I wanted to see in the world.  I thought it was all on me to get myself together.  Thank God I was wrong!!!
Praise the Lord that we only need to cry out to Him for help and He will help us.  Praise the Lord that He wants to carry our heavy loads.  Praise Him that He heals from the inside out!!!
Yeah sometimes I feel the old me rising up, but when that happens God reminds me of His love.  He reminds me that He loved me so much that He was willing to pay the price for my sin and die a horrible, painful, sinners death on the cross.  He loves me so much that even though Jesus Christ never sinned once, He was willing to suffer for me, a sinner.  God is so good to me!  He will never leave me nor forsake me!  So I don't need to fear for I have been redeemed and He has called me by my name; I am His. When I pass through the waters, He will be with me; and through the rivers, they will not overflow me.  When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned , nor will the flame scorch me.  For He is the Lord my God.  The Holy One of Israel, my Savior!!!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Please God Please

God please don’t take my husband away from me.  He’s the only one who knows me.  He’s the only one who loves me.  Please don’t take him away.  Please take these fears away though because I can’t live with them anymore.  I need more faith God please.  Strengthen me God because I am so afraid that I’m messing up.  Help me know what You are doing God.  Help me trust You.  I am so weak and I don’t have anywhere else to turn You are my only hope.  Please don’t leave me.  Please forgive me.