Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Somehow or other it came just the same....

Ever want time to stop? Ever wish you could just stay in a moment forever? Well most of us have at one time or another I'm sure. Babies grow up too fast don't they? Days just seem to fly right by you as you wrestle with sleepless nights and the emotional highs and lows of being a first time mom. Before you know it your babies are in school and you have a little bit more sleep back, but you would give anything to hold them in your arms again the way you did when they were younger. I can't believe my first baby will be 9 years old in March. I can still close my eyes and see his little smiling face lying in his crib looking up at me. He is huge now! What happened? Dr. Seuss once said, "How did it get so late so soon? Its night before is afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?"

We were watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" tonight. It's funny how much I can relate to that mean old Grinch. It's the same old story, someone gets hurt....then they get mad....then they hang on to that anger for so long that before they know it years have flown by but the pain remained the same. What good did all that stewing and begrudging do for the old Grinch? Not much. He was lonely and bitter and vengeful and mean. But after years of living that way he finally realized how wrong he had been and chose to be happy and forgiving and loving in the end. But years had to pass before he came to that simple realization. So much time was lost. Time, one of those things you can never get back! Forgiveness seems like such an easy word to throw at anyone who may be struggling with hurts or pains of the past or maybe the present. But the only one who can, 'take the money and run,' so to speak, is the person who is the hardest to reach with such a word. Forgive and forget, but what about the pain I have? What about the hurt and the time lost? What about them? Why do I have to forgive and forget and they don't have to pay the piper? What is the deal? 

The horrible truth is sometimes there is no cure for the pain. Sometimes pain just is. It's a hard fact of life that we don't get to live twice. We just get this one life, we don't even get to know how long we will have this life. So....what truly is the point to holding onto so much anger? What are you changing? The reality is the only one you are changing is yourself. You see the longer you stay angry the harder you become. You lose touch with compassion and love and joy and your heart becomes like a wast land of sorrow and strife. But you chose this, right? This is how you want to live, right? You don't need to be happy anyways right? That just sounds ridiculous doesn't it? 

My husband has cancer. He may very well be dying. There is no cure for his cancer. He may not have a lot of time left but he is the most joyful and happy person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. You would be surprised to hear some of the things that he has experienced in his life that were just wrong. He has been blessed with this amazing ability to live life without bitterness or anger bogging him down. I, on the other hand, am full of anger and bitterness. I have had my share of hard things, and now this! My best friend, the father of my children, my husband is sick. I can be angry about that! I should be angry about that! Who's with me? The pitiful part about that is I really thought I could control some part of this if I was angry about it. At least my voice would be heard and I would go down in a blaze of fury! Anger can be tricky though. You think you can control who you'll be angry at and just how hot to turn up the heat but it can take on a life of it's own. Who do you direct your anger at when your mad at cancer or something that is out of your control? 
The person I don't want to be angry at, my dear husband, ends up bearing all the blows from my anger. How did that happen? I am not angry at him, not even close! He didn't chose this! The problem is I try to keep it all inside and still live this happy life like nothing is bothering me. Anger can't live inside of you for long before the tank fills up and blows down whom ever is in your path. You can't control your anger, your anger is controlling you. How can I stop this beast that lives inside of me? How can I have joy and peace in my life after hurts and pain cause me to be so confused and angry? 
I was pondering that very thought when I looked up at a verse that I had written out and stuck to my bathroom mirror that said, There is no fear in love but perfect love cast out fear because fear involves torment, but he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18. Next I read another verse written by yours truly and posted on my mirror, Let not your heart be troubled you believe in God believe also in me, John 14: 1a. OK I have read these a hundred times before. I don't have a fear issue I have an anger issue, right? Well, maybe it might be fear. My future is uncertain which drives me crazy! My heart is troubled for sure! OK God I give up. I can't possibly go on another day with this anger or fear that is tormenting me and my family. I need you to cast it out and please give me peace and joy, real peace and joy! I don't want to lose any more precious time with my husband. I can't change what is happening now or what may come but you can change the way I've been dealing with this. You can help me to live everyday to the fullest and to be joyful in every moment that we have together no matter how long that may be. I don't want to have any regrets! Please God change my heart or I'll ruin everything with my bad attitude. I need peace that surpasses all understanding! I need You God. 
I will probably have to pray that prayer again sometime in the future but the amazing thing is God will always come through. He will always answer that prayer for me because it is in accordance with His will for my life. He wants me to have peace. John 14:27 says, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Praise be to our Lord and His almighty peace. Let not your heart be troubled, let go and let God deal with your pain and your hurts. He will if You let Him. Don't let time slip away from you while you're choosing to be angry. It goes by too fast. 
Keegan and Holly then....

Keegan and Holly and Josiah now!

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