Do You see me?

I have been reading this book by James MacDonald, Always True [God's 5 promises when life is hard] and I got mad at a section that he wrote entitled, Since the Foundation of the World. MacDonald says that God has known all of us since the foundation of the world. "Psalm 139 tells me that before my days ever began, God knew them (pg 118)." I had to stop there and cry. It's not like I haven't heard that before, but it just never settled right with me. How can God, who is LOVE and knows all, allow me or any one to endure so much heartache and pain in one lifetime? I know we live in a fallen world but He's God, why would He allow pain? Are you sure God knows all because if He does than why would He allow such horrible sufferings? God, please help me understand! I need to know this answer because I have never understood why a God of such great LOVE could allow so much pain. Please help me. I waited and my reply came.

Earlier that night Kenny and I were sitting on the couch holding hands. I asked him if he thought he was going to die and I told him how every time we go in to see the doctor I get my hopes up. I start to think that maybe this time the MRI will show that the tumor is gone, and every time my heart breaks when we learn that, in fact, it has gotten even bigger. Because Kenny's tumor affects his speech I had time to think before he responded and I said, "but I love you too much to give up hope even if that means my heart will break again." He smiled and leaned in to hug me.

Oh.... I see. I really do see. God is good! God loves me so much that even when I break His heart because I lack faith and push Him away to do things my own way, which will inevitably lead to problems and maybe unnecessary pain, He continues to love me. He never stops loving me. We can stop loving can't we? Someone hurts us and we think twice before trusting that person again don't we? Someone hurts us and we put up walls around our heart and lash out at others and cause more pain. We are prone to anger and hatred when we get hurt. But God never hates and God never lashes out at us. In fact God knows our frame, that we are just dust so he sent to us a savior. His Own Son took all of our sinfulness and shame and gave us all a clean slate. We have been given such a great LOVE!

God thank You for showing me this love. Thank You for helping me to see Your heart. God Your heart breaks for the whole world. How much pain You must endure all for the sake of loving us. You are amazing! Forgive me for my lack of faith and help me to never forget how much You love me, how much You love us all. God whatever my lot You have taught me to say it is well with my soul! Your Will be done, not mine.