Get Understanding

Hear, my children, the instruction of a father, 

And give attention to know understanding; 

For I give you good doctrine: Do not forsake my law. 

When I was my father’s son, 

Tender and the only one in the sight of my mother, 

He also taught me, and said to me: 

“Let your heart retain my words; Keep my commands, and live.

Get wisdom! Get understanding! 

Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. 

Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; 

Love her, and she will keep you. 

Wisdom is the principal thing; 

Therefore get wisdom. 

And in all your getting, get understanding.

(Proverbs 4:1-7 NKJV)

It's true what they say that you can't fully understand a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes. I am a critical person towards myself and others. I have a hard time understanding WHY a person feels a certain way. And for the most part I didn't care that much to figure out the reasons. I just figured that was their problem and God would have to deal with their issues. But now in the middle of my unbearable trial I find myself wishing, praying, that someone would try to understand me. 

I had a very small gathering of friends over for my daughters 7th birthday this past Sunday. My mind has been in such a heavy fog these past few weeks. I forget everything! I can't park straight to save my life (warning to those who park by me) and I drop things all the time. I locked myself out of my house yesterday but by the grace of God was able to shove my 9 year old through a small window to get back in. But anyways I was talking about my daughters party. 

I have never been a huge birthday party throwing type to begin with, I think I had two birthday parties my whole life. But I wanted to do something for my daughter, mostly out of guilt. She was really missing her daddy. The day of her actual birthday she woke up crying and asked me, "Why did God make me?" She was a total daddy's girl and I can't imagine what she must be dealing with in her tiny little 7 year old mind as she tries to process the loss of her dad. So here I am 7 months after Kenny's passing trying to get up enough energy to have some friends over for cake and ice cream so my daughter would have a nice day. 

I thought about canceling the party at least 3 times but somehow, by the grace of God, managed to not cancel. Dealing with grief is exhausting and I was so scatter brained and tired and low on iron and a bit cranky. Mix that all up with a birthday party and I'm not sure what you get. I sat there on the porch with two of my friends and I asked them, "What is it like to have a friend who's husband died?" I hadn't really thought about it from their point of view before and I was curious. Was it uncomfortable, was it depressing, do you always feel down when you're around that friend? They were kind of shocked at my question but answered that it wasn't like that at all. 

I think because of my friends love for me they are more cautious and even stand-offish towards me for fear of saying the wrong thing. Thank you Jill for helping me figure that one out! I can't imagine what it must be like to have a friend who is going through something so foreign and difficult that you have no words. There must be a sense of helplessness. And I do know that feeling because I watched Kenny struggle with everything from; brain surgeries, chemo, radiation, and trial drugs, to headaches and side affects from drugs and emotional pains due to stress and everything in between. And the only thing I could do for him was just be there. It was so hard to watch him die wishing there was something I could do knowing it was out of my hands. 

That is kind of what I'm getting at. I know there is nothing you can say that will make my pain any less. But please don't feel like you shouldn't say anything. I know it's hard to watch someone struggle but please, do. I guess I'm asking you to suffer with me not knowing how long this will last. I might be angry one day or sad another or who knows you might catch me on a happy day. Mostly I just want to feel like I'm not alone. And maybe in the midst of this we will both "get understanding." 

If you are interested in the 7 stages of grief here is a great link that might help you understand
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Thanks