I have never felt so torn. I really want to be angry some days, and some days I am really angry. I think it's the everyday things that really get to me. Josiah said something funny yesterday and I could just imagine Kenny laughing his head off about it. But Kenny isn't here to share this life with us anymore. I look around at my life and think how I wouldn't have any of this if it wasn't for Kenny. IT'S NOT FAIR. But then who said life was supposed to be fair?
All of me is at war with these emotions and these thoughts of injustice. I was walking around outside yesterday looking straight down at the ground so I didn't have to make eye contact with anyone. I talked to God as I walked and I told Him, "I know you could help me to not be angry right now but I'm OK with these feelings today. I'll let you know tomorrow if I want Your help." Yep, I really did say that! It's so hard to take your thoughts captive! You know this as well as I do. Want to know what that choice led to? You guessed it, I was miserable the rest of yesterday and into today.
I went to Keegan's football practice this evening, he has practice from 6-8pm Mon-Fri. The coaches are tough on these little guys. Yesterday was Keegan's first practice and after practice I asked him how he liked it. He said his head hurt and he felt like he was going to throw up. Tonight was no different, they ran and did drills and pushed them to their limits. Don't tell Keegan I told you this but towards the end of the practice he came over to me crying because he felt sick from working so hard. I told him, "Well you don't have to do this, you can quit. But then you'd be a quitter." He took a few drinks of water and put his helmet back on and hustled back out to the field.
I had to think about what just happened for a while. What is it that makes us want to keep going through the pain. Is it the promise of reward? He knows if he sticks with this he will get tougher and be a skilled athlete. He doesn't know if they will win any games or championships, he doesn't know how much he'll get to play in the games or even what position they'll place him in. He just wants to be apart of this team.
Christianity for me has been similar. I want so badly to stick with this disciplined life of a Christian because it has become the meaning in my life and it's the only thing that has proven to be true consistently in everything. I love the Lord and what He's done for me, but some days I just want to quit. I know that makes me sound awful but it's true. I just want to be angry and mad at the world. I just want all my anger to somehow be seen by someone or by God so He will say, "Oh, Alyscia I didn't mean this for your life, I'm so sorry, here have your husband back." I don't know! I know feeling angry doesn't help but what then? When will I stop hurting? When will I not feel so overwhelmed by life? When will I have joy again? WHEN LORD?
One thing I know for sure, my kids are a whole lot stronger than I am! They are amazing! Keegan cried the night he got his football gear. He said he wished his dad could see him. I don't even know what to say except, "me too buddy."
I started re-reading A Future And A Hope by Johns Courson. This is what I read:
"This statement has been stirring in my mind for some time now. Why do bad things happen to good people? Are there no answers?....Two years ago, a best-selling book was entitled just that: Why Bad Things Happen To Good People. The author concluded there are no real answers; even as there are no easy answers. I suggest to you, however, that there is a profoundly simple answer to this question: There are no good people."....
There is none righteous, no, not one. There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable. There is none that doeth good, no, not one. Romans 3:10-12
"....So the real question is not 'Why do bad things happen to good people?' but 'Why do good things happen to bad people?'.... The Bible says God demonstrated His love for us all in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)"....
"....It rains on the just and the unjust. The sun shines on the believer and the unbeliever because God is good. Everything He gives us is because of grace -- unmerited, undeserved, unearned favor. But if we don't recognize this, if we misinterpret the source of our blessings, we become narrow and bitter and full of sorrow."
Lord I am weak and I'm tired. I know that I came into this world with nothing and everything I have is a gift from you. I know You give and You take away when You see it right to do. Lord help my wicked heart from growing bitter and cold. Help me to heal Lord, I'm tired of being sad and angry. I know You are enough for me. Help me to cling to You because I don't know if I can even stand. Lord help me to stand! God please don't leave me here. Forgive me!
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