I try so hard to just be OK. It's exhausting! I had someone ask me if I was angry with them for something....ha....I laugh because I don't have the energy to be angry with anyone, and yet, anger is there inside of me.
The night Kenny died I didn't want to let go of his hands. I knew I would never hold them again or feel their warm touch. I slept with his beanie hats until his scent was gone. I went through the closet just last night and sniffed the shirts I kept but their scent is gone too. The feeling of his ever living in this house is fading too. I fear forgetting him!
I can't even begin to explain what I am feeling, These quotes were most like what I believe I am feeling or hope to be feeling soon.
“Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's to much gravity on my heart.”
― Sarah Ockler, Twenty Boy Summer
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
“Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”
― Dean Koontz, Odd Hours
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
― Leo Tolstoy
“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment
A bit manic is the only way I can describe the feelings of emotions that whip around you when you're grieving. One day crushing pain forces you to retreat to the solace of your bed where you cry the most bitter tears of hopelessness and dread. Another day you breath in new life and decide to conquer mount laundry and feed the kids a healthy breakfast, only to be overcome with defeat and back upstairs you retreat. But not all is gloom sometimes laughter fills the living room. Alas the sounds are short lived as shrieks and screams abound instead.
If this is a time to mourn then so be it. But don't leave me here alone my Lord or I'll never make it to the time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3
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