He Is Faithful

I am totally in awe of my God!

I don't even know how to start this blog. I was feeling so abandoned and alone. I thought God's promises were not meant for this life but the life to come. Let me assure you right now, His promises are here! Search them out and cling to them as you cling to your morning cup of coffee (in cases such as my own).

I discovered something new today and yet something of old. God didn't spare His One and Only Son! You're probably thinking, "Yeah, even the babes in Christ know that truth". But that is the biggest miracle of them all!

I found myself despairing and literally depressed. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I was hard pressed on every side and I didn't believe that God had anything good in store for me ever! Looking back at my life and the plethora of trials that seem to plague me and follow me wherever I go I couldn't help but wonder why did God even bother creating me in the first place if all's He meant for my life was pain and loss and suffering?

Here comes the confession part. Oh, yucky human nature in all its raw and exposed nastiness! I had an excruciating week that started with our churches annual family camp and ended with an encounter with all of the ugliness inside of me.

In 8 days it will be 7 months since my best friend and husband died. The thing was, we all knew it was coming. All along the doctors told us 3 years and we would loose the fight against brain cancer. I was determined to be strong. I gave myself an allotted amount of time to grieve then move on. I wasn't going to be like those other grieving widows who cried all the time and needed tons of help and became a burden on church and family and friends (cringing as I write this). I think my anger was fueling my determination to be OK with this in-explainable sadness and confusion as to why God would allow such pain.

Utter brokenness came over me a few nights ago. I called a friend and opened my mouth, and I couldn't even believe the words that spilled out. I told her I didn't want to live anymore. I told her I was tired of feeling sad. She immediately came over at 10 O'clock at night. I was so ashamed and humiliated at my thoughts and my despair. How can I say these things and profess to have an undying hope in God? Please be understanding and compassionate as I spill what's left of myself into this post.

Psalm 88 

O Lord, God of my salvation,
I have cried out day and night before You.

2 Let my prayer come before You;
Incline Your ear to my cry.

3 For my soul is full of troubles,
And my life draws near to the grave.

4 I am counted with those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man who has no strength,

5 Adrift among the dead,
Like the slain who lie in the grave,
Whom You remember no more,
And who are cut off from Your hand.

6 You have laid me in the lowest pit,
In darkness, in the depths.

7 Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
And You have afflicted me with all Your waves. Selah

8 You have put away my acquaintances far from me;
You have made me an abomination to them;
I am shut up, and I cannot get out;

9 My eye wastes away because of affliction.
Lord, I have called daily upon You;
I have stretched out my hands to You.

10 Will You work wonders for the dead?
Shall the dead arise and praise You? Selah

11 Shall Your lovingkindness be declared in the grave?
Or Your faithfulness in the place of destruction?

12 Shall Your wonders be known in the dark?
And Your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

13 But to You I have cried out, O Lord,
And in the morning my prayer comes before You.

14 Lord, why do You cast off my soul?
Why do You hide Your face from me?

15 I have been afflicted and ready to die from my youth;
I suffer Your terrors;
I am distraught.

16 Your fierce wrath has gone over me;
Your terrors have cut me off.

17 They came around me all day long like water;
They engulfed me altogether.

18 Loved one and friend You have put far from me,
And my acquaintances into darkness.

God is no stranger to our desperation and depression! In fact apart from Him, whether we realize it or not, we are all in a state of desperation! Grief is crazy! just when you think you're OK, you're not all over again. The crazy cycle is the normal when it comes to grief! I am so grateful for my friends and for their prayers.

God did something amazing through my crushing pain and through my searching for answers. I stumbled across three individuals suffering through pain and heartache and yet clinging to God and His faithfulness and His truths. Let me introduce you to Re-booting This Crazy Life.  as well as Crazy for Sharing and last but not least We Choose To Believe

Here are my sisters and brother in the faith and in suffering and they don't even know me. They share with me a struggle to believe despite all the odds and despite all the pain. And the most amazing thing God revealed to me after reading their very human, raw and honest words was this; God didn't spare His Only Son! We are all God's special children and, though it's hard to believe sometimes, God loves us and is for us. He didn't spare His Only Son! Oh how pain can cause us to question His love and eventually we (or at least I) question if we ever really loved Him.

There is no doubt in my mind that God could have saved my husband! That would have been a miracle and we all would have praised Him for sparing Kenny's life. However, the bigger miracle is that God is able to sustain me, all of us, through the pain and sadness of loss. He causes me, us, to praise His name even after the healing has been denied! Are you with me on this? Do you understand the significance of these words? Who but God could cause His children to praise Him even after He denied their greatest and most desired prayer to save the life of the ones they loved, to heal the chronic pain that plagues? Who but a loving and infinitely wise creator could take away all that is dear to us and still receive glory and honor? Who but God could receive us as we are in all our humanness, doubt, anger and confusion and comfort us and bring us to acceptance and eventually spiritual healing and newness of life? There is only ONE!

Lord, You didn't spare Your One and Only Son! God You love us more than we could ever comprehend! There is no other able to save, able to redeem, able to strengthen, able to comfort, able to heal, able to love like You do. You are great and greatly to be praised! Let this be my Ebeneezer. I don't ever want to forget what you have revealed to me today! Lord I lift up my three blogging friends and I ask in Jesus name that You would bring the healing that they so desperately desire. I know You are able! I know You know what is best and I trust that Your plan for their lives is far greater than they can even imagine. I pray for their loved ones who don't know You Lord and I ask that You would, through the suffering of Your saints, reveal Your truth and love for them so that they may be saved. Thank You for their openness and for using their stories to bring about healing in my heart. You are awesome, there is none like You!