Oxymoron

Last year on this day, July 15th, Kenny had his second brain surgery to try to eradicate a cancerous tumor.

I went to church today feeling angry and sad and weak and defeated. I was angry because Kenny is gone and the reality of that truth still hurts a lot. I was sad because I miss my friend and the father of my children, my co-pilot through this difficult life. I was feeling weak because I am exhausted by the simple mundane things of life, like raising three kids, that use to be a lot more bearable with my husband by my side. I feel defeated because I literally have nothing that I can fall back on, like a degree or job training or experience that could be a security for me and my children.

As hopeless and painful as this life has been, God is with me. Because even at my weakest moments when I read God's promises and think in my heart "Liar," when I don't deserve it God still carries me through. He still covers me with His mercy and His grace. His love I cannot shake! He wont let me despair for long before He reminds me that He loves me and is for me.


Remember Alyscia, Kenny is with Me now and I am with you. Don't be angry. 
Remember my daughter that I will be your strength and guide you through this life and be a father to your children. Don't be sad. 
Look up my child and trust Me and keep moving forward. Before long you will reach the top of this mountain and I will show you how far I've brought you and you will be amazed. Find what you need for the day in Me.
Don't forget Alyscia that I am your security and at the end of this life you will forever be safe with Me if you will stay the course and believe to the end. 

I went to church today bitter but I find at the end of this day a sweetness in trusting the Lord still. How can it be that we can go through such crippling pain and emotional suffering yet not be destroyed? How can we feel such total peace after a deadly storm? Only God can keep us from crumbling to dust as we walk through these trials of life. Only He can give us peace that surpasses all understanding as we wait and wait for the coming of His promises. Only a merciful and loving God would stay by our sides as we waiver back and forth with our faith. He remains faithful and loving and true as we struggle to follow after Him.

Lord thank You for Your faithfulness! Though I don't always understand and sometimes get mad, You patiently and lovingly reassure me of Your presence.  I am just dust and You are God. Thank You for loving me and for sending Your Son to die for me. You are God who gives and who takes away and still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord.

Alive
"What other heart would let itself be broken every time till He healed mine?"