Be anxious for nothing! Really... for nothing!!!

What to eat or what not to eat… that is the question. And another I ask. To take medicine or not to take medicine that is the other question.

I love the Lord’s timing! He is so faithful and good to show us His will and lift us up when we are feeling low. I have been so torn up inside about everything regarding Kenny’s care. I love my husband very much and I have been so afraid that I would make a bad decision regarding his treatment for cancer all the way down to what foods to feed him. That is when God led me to me Romans 14. (Please read this chapter to understand the rest of this blog entry) You see my situation isn’t new to God. People have been pondering these same thoughts for hundreds of years, maybe since the beginning of time. Ecclesiastes teaches us that there is nothing new under the sun. There is a time for everything. A time to be born and a time to die, you know how this goes. God is in control and He doesn’t want us to be so caught up with these questions. God loves us and He knows what we can handle. Let’s face it… we live in a world that is money driven and if you don’t have the money you don’t have the best food or the best doctors or the best medicines. God knows this. He also told us to pray and walk by faith not by sight as we go about our lives. He is the one who predestines our birth and our death regardless of what we decide. God knows if we will be victims of drug abuse or alcoholism, it is God who set the world in motion. We think we know more than He does. I know my 8 year old son likes to think he knows more than I do about life. Oh, we have gotten into a few discussions about how I was made (by the Almighty God) his mother and how, regardless of whether or not he knows more than I do, he still needs to submit to my authority over him. I know that I will not make a decision about my husband’s medical care or nutrition alone. I know that God is with me every step of the way and I know that He will lead me down the path that He has predestined us to go.

I love my Lord and I love how He loves me and my family. He is my rock, my fortress of defense to save me. I love all of you who have been faithful to pray for us during this difficult time. Please let this be a blessing to you. Please don’t live your life in fear of death because death comes to us all. We should all take care of ourselves and make the best choices for our families needs but don’t let those issues consume you. Don’t be judgmental of others who might not make the same nutritious choices you do. Walk a mile in their shoes. God is big and He uses all sorts of ways to teach us and grow us into the image of His son. God has blessed us with wonderful friends and family and that is the only treasure worth seeking after, not money not a long healthy life. We are only given what we are given. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away and still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord.

ON MY KNEES

You say You love me. You say You want me. You say you will be here for me, but here I am and where are You? You have let all this in my life!!! You did this. You have taken everything away from me. What do I have left? You took my childhood. You allowed me to be violated by my mothers boyfriend You let me live in that house for all those years. Just when I thought I had finally escaped that trial You threw another in my face. You are mean. Now you want to take my husband away from me. The only man I've ever let into this crazy painful existence, the only one I ever trusted with all my baggage, You are killing. What did I ever do to You? I've tried my whole life to trust You and pray to You and this is what I get? Why? I made mistakes everyone has but did I do anything deserving of this? Why do You hate me? I cried out to You and You were silent! Why have You forgotten me? What do You want from me? Tell me what to do and I will do it. I just don't want to be in this pain anymore! There are so many ways to kill this pain down here, drugs, alcohol... but I can't bring myself to do that. I want to kill this pain so badly. I need You Lord to heal me. I need real healing! I need You to reach down and lift me up because I can't stand anymore. Help me please I can't do this without You. You are God! You made me and You say You love me. I want to believe that please help me to trust You. No one down here can save me, it's only You who can save me. SAVE ME! I am begging you please God please. I am so weak but You are strong. I am falling apart please piece me back together. I am Yours! Fill me with Your love and Your peace. I know You love me! I know You will be with me. I trust You God, please forgive me. Take what You want to but please don't leave me. I know I have been taking back the past that I gave to You. Please never let me take it back again. I give it all to You, I don't know why You want it but take it anyways. I never want to take it back again. My life belongs to You. I will wait for You to come and rescue me, come and give me life.

Judgemental Me

We are all people. We all eat, we all sleep, and we all poop. Seriously, we have a lot more in common than we would like to admit. So why do we judge one another by our petty little differences? Because we are wicked at heart. Because we don't see the evil that springs out of our thoughts and our mouths until it's right in front of us lying there on the ground. And instead of cleaning up the mess we made we try to cover it up or explain it away. But it still stinks!

I was wondering why I act one way around one person and a different way around someone else. Here comes my "explanation"; because I want that person to like me, I want to be liked. Is that strange? No, it's not strange. We all want to be liked, loved even. Family can be so difficult to talk to but they are the people we want to love us the most. Even when our family hurts us we still want them to like us. Why? God has knit the hearts of family so much closer together than other hearts. So close in fact that they see more of us then the rest of the world. They see the ugly parts of us. They know our secrets and they know where and how we started. They know how hard we try and they've seen how hard we fall. They see our mistakes sometimes before we do. That's a big problem!

There are some that think of themselves as "saviors". These people aren't bad intentioned people just confused. They've experienced pain and they were scarred by it. They hold onto that pain as a reminder to never let that happen again. These confused people think that if they shout out a warning every time a loved one looks like they might be headed down the path of pain that they can somehow save them from the same fate of pain and heartache. Unfortunately, for that person, their shouts sound more like judgements and ridicules than the warnings of a concerned loved one.

I read a story about a butterfly just recently. There was this person who was eagerly awaiting the emerging of a butterfly from it's cocoon. The process had just started and the person watched in amazement as the butterfly struggled to be reborn. As the person looked on they decided that the butterfly surely could use some help because it seemed it was struggling too hard for a brand new butterfly, something had to be wrong. So the person took a tiny pair of scissors and ever so carefully cut open the rest of the cocoon to free the butterfly from it's struggles. That person must have felt such a sense of pride and triumph after "saving" this creature from it's terrible struggles. However something strange happened after that. The butterfly's wings were free but something was wrong. It didn't seem to have beautiful bright colors as other butterflies did. In fact this butterfly seemed to be getting weaker. Not long after that the butterfly died. The reason the butterfly didn't survive was simply because it had not had the chance to grow stronger through the trials of being reborn. The creature needed that trial to grow stronger healthier muscles and pump the blood into it's magnificent wings. God created all His creatures with that similar purpose in mind. He wants all of us to be as magnificent and beautiful as He has designed us to be. But sometimes the self proclaimed "saviors" of this world end up doing more harm than good.

Let's leave the saving to the real savior Jesus Christ. When we act as a person's "savior," we are confusing that person into thinking that maybe we are a savior or maybe there is a such thing as a human savior. THERE IS NOT! Let's not hold onto past hurts, give them to God and ask for His healing. Let's not pretend to know more than we do. Let's, all of us let the Lord do the saving from now on. We are only to work with God towards "our own" salvation, not the salvation of others. That's why we need to pray more and fix less. We will all struggle in this life, but God is faithful to complete the work He has started in us until it is finished!

Forgive me father for I have sinned! Restore what I arrogantly took from others that You might have meant for their good. Help me to only work out my own salvation with fear and trembling. You are God of all, I am just Your creation. Thank You for Your Son and His atoning death on the cross. If it wasn't for Jesus I would be lost forever. Thank You for continuing to guide me and teach me. Thank You for not forsaking me. You are patient and long suffering. You are LOVE.
1 Corinthians 13 1-13

Tomorrow morning is Kenny's surgery and we can't sleep. When I think about life and all the things that can go wrong in an instant I wonder why we ever bother to be upset at one another. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings just don't seem to rate on the importance scale when you are in the midst of a life or death situation. In fact the only thing I have been thinking about is, when is the Lord coming back and what does He want me to be doing in the mean time? But somehow we get caught up in this strange existence and pile on emotions and selfish thoughts and boom, you have the world we live in today. Why are people so driven by money? Why are there hungry people when we have so much to share? Why do people seek sex and drugs over Truth and righteousness? Why do children suffer at the hands of their own parents? Why? It all started with hurt feelings and pain. It all started when we didn't follow His laws. Yes God knows that we are feeble and weak, selfish, wretched people so He made a way out for us all. And it's the simplest kind of answer too. Believing in His Son Jesus! He came down to earth, died for our sins and said if we believe we are eternally saved. It couldn't be more simple! But we let our greed and self love get in the way of our own salvation. We would rather sit in our messed up lives then have to believe. It's really disgusting.
Well anyways a person's rantings can't save anyone. Only the Holy Spirit can guide a soul to salvation. I pray that wherever you are and what ever life you are living that you would stop and ask God to save you. I pray that you would wake up and realize that this life isn't all there is. That there is something far greater and far more meaningful and fulfilling than this life. I pray that you would know that you CAN'T save yourself and that you need God! I pray that you would start to seek Him and pray to Him and be healed from your sicknesses and your hurts and your sufferings. I pray that you would be saved from your addictions and from your thoughts that are trying to ruin you. God can do it! Do you believe? Will you ask Him or would you rather roll the dice and wait for.... the perfect time. What are you waiting for? You have nothing to loose and eternity to gain. It's really very simple! We just make things difficult!

Feeling a Small Amount of Peace

God is so faithful. He gave me this image of life and I wanted to share it with you. I have three of the most adorable children ever. I was watching them play the other day and wondering why they do some of the silly things they do. They were filling up these plastic water bottles with water and running around the yard trying to get each other wet. I said to my husband, "why do kids do weird things like that? They get the biggest kick out of mindless games." Well sure enough someone got hurt. Holly my only girl came toward me as slowly as possible because she was so wounded, or so she wanted me to think. She was screaming in pain and trying to tell me what happened. Some how she slipped on one of the plastic bottles and fell on her back. I prayed with her and held her for a little while until her older brother came over and gave her a hug and asked if she wanted to go play again. I thought there was no way I would go back out there but she stopped crying and her voice was just as if nothing had happened and she ran back outside with her brother. What in the world is that? Kids are so funny! They play these silly games and if experience has taught them anything it's that typically someone will get hurt while playing, right? Does that stop them from wanting to have fun, not at all. They seem to enjoy the fun so much that when the pain comes it's almost worth the cost. Has it been so long since I was a child that I have forgotten how to enjoy life and just have fun? Has the pain gotten so bad that I have just removed myself from joy and laughter because I am anticipating the pain that is bound to happen? I think I forgot that this life doesn't come with guarantee's. There is pain in this life and that is a fact but does that mean we should stop having fun and just focus on the pain? I don't know about you but that just sounds ridiculous to me.

Thank You Lord for my children and for their carefree view on life. Thank You for my life as crazy as it is right now and please help me not to take these days for granted. Time is precious and so is life and I know that you would rather us enjoy the time we have here than to focus on the pain and suffering of this life. You are so good to us. Teach us to live more like little children. Rain or shine, pain or joy, help us to trust that you are in control and will be with us. In Jesus name amen!

Trials or Blessings?

I am angry. I'm not fearful, just feel like at any moment I could blow up. Our family has been trying so hard to get back to life as usual and it seems that's not going to happen now. Kenny and I decided after many clear MRI's that we would trust that God has restored Kenny's health and we should get back to our life. Before that decision I was going to school and trying to get prepared to take over the provider role because the doctors told us we would only have 3 years. Things were well on their way with Kenny all set up for financial aid and enrolled for fall quarter 2011. Then we went in for another MRI and plans changed in an instant.

How am I supposed to react? My best friend, my husband and the father of my children is going to have another brain surgery. He is going to be treated again for cancer. I can't fall apart because my children need me to keep it together. I can't pray because I don't know why God would bring this back. I really truly was starting to believe that we would be the lucky ones. That God had mercy on us and saved our family from being torn apart by this silent killer.

I don't know what to say I am weak! I have to say how I am feeling because if I hold it in any longer I will become something I don't want to be, bitter. I know that I have a choice to make. I know that this can go two different ways. I can hang on to my anger and let it build up in my heart until I become hard and lose my compassion and my love, or I can be weak and cry and trust that while this may hurt a lot, God is in control and He loves my family and He will be with us as we walk throw this fire again. It's sounds so easy when I type these words but you and I both know it's so hard!

So please don't expect me to be strong. Please don't expect me to respond the way you think I should. I can only be me and that is someone who is hurt and confused. I will try to pray I will seek God and I will not walk away! God has done so many good things in my life that I can't deny Him. He restored my marriage, He gave me back my baby when doctors told me I had lost him, He has provided for our every need while we went through the first battle with cancer and He will be with us through this battle too!

God please help me. Please forgive me for the times I have lost my temper or snapped at someone who didn't deserve it. I am so weak and I need you. I want to trust you please help me to believe. Don't let bitterness build up in my heart. I need Your strength to feel this weak!!!

BE REAL

We are bad Representatives of Christ to the world. We need to take responsibility for ourselves. We call ourselves Christians but we don't seek God. Christianity is a lifestyle not a Sunday morning or Wednesday night. People should see a difference in us and we blend right in. How did it get like this? Why does our strength come from a coffee cup and not from our God? Lord we are fools! We cry out for help but never take the steps necessary to change. We are making fools of You Lord when we post these scriptures on facebook or in text messages and fail to live up to them. God forgive us and save us from our foolishness.