Trials or Blessings?

I am angry. I'm not fearful, just feel like at any moment I could blow up. Our family has been trying so hard to get back to life as usual and it seems that's not going to happen now. Kenny and I decided after many clear MRI's that we would trust that God has restored Kenny's health and we should get back to our life. Before that decision I was going to school and trying to get prepared to take over the provider role because the doctors told us we would only have 3 years. Things were well on their way with Kenny all set up for financial aid and enrolled for fall quarter 2011. Then we went in for another MRI and plans changed in an instant.

How am I supposed to react? My best friend, my husband and the father of my children is going to have another brain surgery. He is going to be treated again for cancer. I can't fall apart because my children need me to keep it together. I can't pray because I don't know why God would bring this back. I really truly was starting to believe that we would be the lucky ones. That God had mercy on us and saved our family from being torn apart by this silent killer.

I don't know what to say I am weak! I have to say how I am feeling because if I hold it in any longer I will become something I don't want to be, bitter. I know that I have a choice to make. I know that this can go two different ways. I can hang on to my anger and let it build up in my heart until I become hard and lose my compassion and my love, or I can be weak and cry and trust that while this may hurt a lot, God is in control and He loves my family and He will be with us as we walk throw this fire again. It's sounds so easy when I type these words but you and I both know it's so hard!

So please don't expect me to be strong. Please don't expect me to respond the way you think I should. I can only be me and that is someone who is hurt and confused. I will try to pray I will seek God and I will not walk away! God has done so many good things in my life that I can't deny Him. He restored my marriage, He gave me back my baby when doctors told me I had lost him, He has provided for our every need while we went through the first battle with cancer and He will be with us through this battle too!

God please help me. Please forgive me for the times I have lost my temper or snapped at someone who didn't deserve it. I am so weak and I need you. I want to trust you please help me to believe. Don't let bitterness build up in my heart. I need Your strength to feel this weak!!!