Lately I am more scared of myself than anything else. I want to be angry! I really want to be angry, but when I go to my blog page to vent my anger and frustrations, I can't do it. I hate feeling like this! Sadness, to me, has always been linked with weakness. Anger, now that makes me feel stronger. It gives me a sense of power. It makes me feel like I am in control. I hate that my husband has this stupid cancer! I hate that there is no cure! I hate that I can't do anything to change this! I hate feeling so weak!
That's a lot of hate. But then there's love. I love that out of all the people in the whole world I was the one that got to be Kenny's wife. I love that God brought us together and gave us our beautiful children. I love that Kenny is so strong in his faith. I love watching how many lives are touched and some even changed forever by the work the Lord is doing through Kenny. I love knowing that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I love knowing the TRUTH!
Sometimes I feel the scale tipping more to one side than the other. Sometimes I want to put on anger and hatred, but, what would that do? The only thing anger and hatred has ever done is destroy lives. I hated for a long time. I was angry for a long time. I had hurts that couldn't be consoled away. I had the kind of pain that wakes you up at night with tremendous fear and uncontrollable tears. I wanted to kill the pain so bad, and in different ways I did. For a time I dealt with my pain in unhealthy ways like, drinking, and partying. I thought if I looked happy on the out side that some how that would make me happy on the inside. I thought I had to be the change I wanted to see in the world. I thought it was all on me to get myself together. Thank God I was wrong!!!
Praise the Lord that we only need to cry out to Him for help and He will help us. Praise the Lord that He wants to carry our heavy loads. Praise Him that He heals from the inside out!!!
Yeah sometimes I feel the old me rising up, but when that happens God reminds me of His love. He reminds me that He loved me so much that He was willing to pay the price for my sin and die a horrible, painful, sinners death on the cross. He loves me so much that even though Jesus Christ never sinned once, He was willing to suffer for me, a sinner. God is so good to me! He will never leave me nor forsake me! So I don't need to fear for I have been redeemed and He has called me by my name; I am His. When I pass through the waters, He will be with me; and through the rivers, they will not overflow me. When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned , nor will the flame scorch me. For He is the Lord my God. The Holy One of Israel, my Savior!!!
You go girl! Grief(which causes the anger) is ok. Just cling to the knowledge that in those bad times, God will never take you somewhere He will not see you through. Not over, not around, but through.....and we will see the other side, but only when He is ready.
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