How did I let this happen? I gave up on faith because of fear. I have been struggling with my thoughts again and wondering why, instead of trusting in the Lord. I have been a fool! I don't know why I let this happen but I know how to stop it. God I give my life back to You. I was being selfish and ungrateful. I am sorry please forgive me. I don't care why things are the way they are any more. I don't want to try to figure it out. I give it all to You God. Your ways are better than my own and I trust You no matter what the future holds. You are patient and loving. Thank You for the gentle correction and for Your forgiveness. Please help me to get through these days that are ahead and lead me down the path that You choose. I need You in my life to be my fortress of defence. I love You and all You have done for me. Thank You for Jesus and for my life.

An Unwelcoming Sky

Holly and I walked out the front door on our way to pick Keegan up from school. We were greeted by an unwelcoming sky that was as dark as I had ever seen. We quickly got into the car as the first few drops of rain fell from that mean sky. Thunder rolled and boomed and we knew we had left in the nick of time. The air inside the car was heavy and warm probably because the windows had been rolled up all day. I cracked the front two windows to relieve some of the humid pressure as we headed for our destination. The wind howled fiercely and trees were forced to bow before the winds mighty power. The rain started falling harder as if to challenge the winds strength. I pulled up to the school and parked behind what seemed like a mile long stretch of cars all waiting to pick up their precious cargo. I grabbed my umbrella and dared to open my car door but I quickly retreated as the wind threatened to blow my door right off its hinges. Once more I attempt to exit the safety of my car and try to use my umbrella as my shield. I couldn't even open my umbrella fully because as soon as I reached for that final click to lock the umbrella opened the wind tried to close it back up. I jumped out and closed my car door and opened Holly's door. "I think you better wait in the car," I said to my adventure seeking daughter. She wasn't intimidated by the wind and rain, "I want to come." "OK but hurry up, lets go," I said with a voice of warning. We got to the curb and the wind blew harder and the rain pounded the two of us as we started to run. My weak little umbrella began flapping up and down as we got closer to the gate where the children would wait for their parents. "Keegan." "Keegan!" I yelled to get his attention. The other parents were retreating back to their cars with soggy little children. Keegan was actually using his hood, a rare sight indeed. He ran to me and Holly and we turned back to the car that seemed so far away. "How was school buddy," I asked loudly. He answered me but I couldn't hear what he said. The wind and rain were attacking viciously now and we knew we had to run. I struggled to keep my trembling umbrella under control as we ran down the wet side walk. Thunder boomed once more as we finally made it to the car. "Hurry up get in!" I closed their door and walked around to the driver side and flung open my door. I jumped in without closing my wimpy umbrella. Fighting to close the beaten old thing, I finally got in the car. I breathed a sigh of relief and let out a little laugh. "Wow we!" We had made it back to the safety of our car. I hit my left turn blinker to pull out and head home. The adventure had ended and as we drove home the rain began to ease up though the remnant of its attack was prevalent all over the ground. We were sopping wet and laughing at what just happened. We pulled up to the house and Kenny greeted us warmly with a big smile from the front porch. "Holy smokes was that crazy or what?" Kenny held the door open as we walked inside and we all started telling him our own version of what happened on our fifteen minute trip to pick up Keegan.

Run away cart!

I just want to write. I have this desire to write and sometimes I have no idea what to write. It can be very frustrating you know. I wish all I had to do was sit here if front of my computer and type these thoughts that come into my head, that would be amazing for me scary for you ha ha. So I have been in school now for about 2 and a half weeks and I have already failed one quiz. I really can't believe it. I am however getting a very good grade in my English& 101 class. I love writing but I hate writing in response to reading. We have to read this book and then respond to it. Yuck! I really need to memorize the parts of the body for my AP test on Monday but instead I'm just typing away like I have nothing else to do.

I have been out of school for so long it seems like I forgot how to study or lost the ability. I really am trying but every time I sit down to read my psychology book I start to fall asleep. It's not my fault I'm old now. I don't know. Maybe it is me, I have been in slow motion for a couple of days now and I can't seem to shake it. Seriously I was at the grocery store today and I took me like 30 minutes just to get out of the car. You think I'm exaggerating but I'm not. I was just sitting there thinking. Not about anything in particular just thinking. Then once I got in the store I was totally in my own little world. I skipped around the isles with no direction. I finally made it back to my car with my shopping cart full and started to put groceries in the back. I was trying to make it all fit so when I took a corner it wouldn't spill over (I hate that). I turned around to get another bag out of my cart when I noticed my cart was gone. It had rolled halfway back to the store before I turned around. I heard a cart rolling but didn't think it was mine. A nice lady brought it back for me and I just said, "oh my gosh I'm sorry, thanks for grabbing my cart." Wow, can you say "space cadet." I really need to focus on something or we will all be in real danger!!!

For now I guess I'll just hit the sack and pray tomorrow will be better. I really need to get it together, I have to get it together! Oh Lord help me to get it together please I beg you! I am stumbling around down here like I just learned to walk. I need you to hold my hands and lead me down this road. I can't do it alone I need your help. I am nothing with out you, save me from myself I pray in Jesus name Amen!!!

So do I need to take notes?

I left my psychology class tonight baffled. My teacher showed us a film and it's main focus was, what we think we know we don't really know. The film was a threat to our history books because of some new evidence that was found that could possibly destroy the theory of how our country was founded. After the film the teacher continued to teach us the history of psychology and I began to wonder. "If the film you just showed us was an attempt to get us to question our belief of what we've been taught thus far through our history books, then why do you think we should believe your teaching"? It made sense to me. How do we trust anything these days? We are taught one way for so long and then someone comes by and says, "no that's not the way anymore this is the way". What's the point? Why do we need to know anyways? I wish things were simple. Praise God His ways are so simple.

A fun little testimony

You gave me a husband to cherish and honor all our days through, but foolish I was and quite selfish too. I wasted such time and the minutes were many the one's that flew right passed me and my Kenny.

I was hurt and confused, lost and alone, I waited all day for him to come home. The work day had ended and refreshing he needed, but not till I told him how I was depleted.


Since morning had dawned and your children woke up, I slaved and I slaved, and now I'm fed up. Don't you walk away, no stay and just listen, to all I will say and no we're not kiss en'.

God help this man to see who I am, and please make him love me the way I demand. I can't live like this anymore I mean it we're through. Get out of here Kenny right now please do.

I'm sick of this fighting and you just don't see. God please tell me why you forgot about me? Husband's and wife's are supposed to just know, they don't need to force it or work at it so.

Then God showed up when I wasn't lookin', You see all along His plan had been cookin'. He whispered to Kenny of Superbowl fun to be had at the Peckham's when church service was done.

My God had done it, He saved my man, but little did I know of His fantastic plan.

Now God was working in our hearts and minds, He placed by me Jenny the greatest of finds. She told me to be thankful and pray all day through, and she listened to me like a mother would do.

She helped me to read to learn and to grow, with prayers and thanksgiving, God's word would soon show, all of these things that plagued me before would soon be the things that would help me mature.

Love peace and joy would fill up my heart, and I came to see that it all played a part. We are made new, a creation of God's, all we had come through, a couple at odds.

Kenny and I are happy now it's true and we only wish to give the glory to You. So praise be to God for the work that you do. Help us all to see your goodness and kindness shine through.

Thank you my Savior my Lord and my King. You have become our everything. The God of great love and miracles too, I pray you would continue to grow us in You.

"Samuel"

Have you ever forgotten your cell phone at home? All day you have that feeling like you didn't fully dress before you left the house and now your exposed. I felt strange all day. I couldn't pull my phone out to check the time or check to see if I had any text messages. I was disconnected from the world and vulnerable as I drove south bound on I-5. Then my car alerted me that I was running low on fuel.

"Great, just what I need." "No cell phone in case of emergency, and now I'm running out of gas and I still have a long way to go." Perfect! I was irritated but I calmly took the next exit in hopes I would run into a gas station. After about 5 minutes of driving around and three more low fuel beeps later, I started to get worried.

"God please don't let me run out of gas out here without a cell phone," I thought. I started to talk out loud to reassure myself of God's promises. Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

"OK, I'm OK, not going to freak out, I'm just going to pray." "Lord please help me to find a gas station, God I don't want to run out of gas." "I need You to lead me to a gas station Lord quickly." "I know You are with me and I don't need to worry about this situation, thank You for that." "You already knew this would happen and You have heard my prayer." "God I pray that if I do run out of gas that You would use it for Your purpose and help me to get through....."

"Anytime now Lord, I'm ready to receive Your merciful answer to my prayer."

"Really God anytime now."

By this point I have 10 miles to go till I'm empty. "OK, God I'm going to just ask this nice lady pushing a baby stroller if she knows where to find the gas station." I wasn't going to get out of my car in an unfamiliar place without a cell phone. So I just pulled up next to this non threatening mom and her baby and asked if she could point me in the right direction. She gladly told me how to get to the gas station.

Praise God! Now I just hope I make it. At long last I pulled into that beautiful Chevron station and breathed a sigh of relief.

Ahhh, thank You God I'm here and strangely enough I actually had money in my wallet. Twenty five dollars ought to get me to my final destination. That's when I saw him. I stepped out of my car and there was a man trying to swindle money from people at the pump.

"Oh gee whiz," I thought to myself, "these people are everywhere, asking for bus fare and always with these sob stories." Of course I had already determined in my mind not to look at him and if he did approach me I was not going to give him my money. I barely had enough for gas for myself. How could I just hand it off to some guy because he tells me a sob story. I heard them all before, besides I have a sick husband and 3 children at home I'm trying to support on what little I had. No, I'm not going to fall for it this time. I will be ready for him. I just started pumping my gas when he addressed me and walked over.

"Hello miss, I was wondering if I could just show you something real quick," he said. He opened up this blue folder and pointed to the first page. I tried not to pay attention but one word stood out to me from that page, "Samuel." "I am a christian writer," he continued, "and I wrote this screen play and some producers in California really like it, they said if I can get down there they would take a look at it." "I was wondering if you would be able to spare a little to help me pay for the bus fare down there, this is really important to me."

It was original I'll say that much. I don't think I've heard that one before. He was an older gentlemen and seemed nice enough. He was dressed clean with a blue coat and a Bennie hat covering his head. He didn't appear to be drunk or impaired by any substance.

"I'm sorry," I said, I am barely making ends meet as it is." Then he said, "Even some spare change would be helpful." I was like a stone, I wasn't going to budge. "I'm sorry I wish I could, good luck though." Then I watched him walk away.

I finished pumping gas and then I got back in my car and headed for I-5. Then I realized I was right by the freeway entrance. Wow, I can't believe I drove around for so long looking for the gas station and it was right here the whole time. I think I must have circled this block twice how could I have missed that. That's strange, I guess I wasn't paying attention. Maybe You had other plans for me Lord. That's when it hit me, like a ton of bricks dropped right in my lap as I merged onto the freeway. "Oh no!" "Did You want me to be at that gas station at that specific time Lord?" "Oh please don't tell me You wanted me to give that man money." "OH NO!!!" "I blew it didn't I?" "I can't believe it that whole time I'm begging You to have mercy on me because I was lost and I needed a gas station and you led me there despite my blind eyes that missed it twice, and then I turn my back on someone who needed something from me."

I felt horrible, I mean really horrible. God had given me an opportunity and without a second thought and without ever stopping to ask Him what I should do, I cut off my compassion receptor and missed a chance to help someone. I turned the radio down and started to ask God for forgiveness. I asked Him to redeem that missed opportunity. I really messed that one up, but God is bigger than my stupidity, able to redeem lost time and missed opportunities. Oh thank You God for forgiving me and I pray for that man Lord, I pray You would provide the bus fare for that man if it is Your will God.
I kept thinking about the man and his little blue binder. The word "Samuel" was the only thing I looked at on the page he showed me. That name reminds me of a story in 1 Samuel chapter 3. God called to a boy named Samuel. Samuel was young and didn't realize it was the Lord calling him so he went into Eli's room and said, "Here I am." Three times the Lord called and three times Samuel ran into Eli's room because he thought Eli must have called him. Finally Eli told Samuel to go back and lie down and if you hear the call again say, "here I am Lord, for Your servant hears." Samuel did just what Eli said and God spoke to him. I wish I could hear God's voice as clearly as Samuel did. I wish I could go back and pay closer attention to what was going on.
I guess I'll never know what could have been, but I do know that I will never forget that long drive home. A little later I turned the radio up and the first words I heard were from a Toby Mac song. "If we loose our way we get back up again, it's never too late to get back up again." "We might be knocked down but not out forever." Wow, though I lacked compassion, God still had compassion for me. He loves me and used those words to bring comfort to my heavy heart. I hope the next time I pay closer attention.

Finally Set Free!

I am a sinner, big shock right, we all are. I came from a very traumatic childhood and because of my experiences I learned to cope with my life rather than enjoy it. I put up walls around my heart to keep it safe instead of relying on the Lord to be my fortress of defense. God wants to be our shield and our strength but often times we take matters into our own hands. In my case I became very depressed and dark negative thoughts would cloud my mind every second of the day. I was not a helpless bystander by any means, I invited these thoughts in. I remember how I would be sitting in the back seat of the car looking out the window at a beautiful summer day and all I could think about was, "What if we crashed and I was paralyzed and had to live in a wheelchair the rest of my life?" Crazy thoughts that were scary at times and I kept allowing them to fill me with fears and torment my life. I was addicted to my thoughts, they were a drug I didn't want to quit. After years of torment I started to think I was going crazy, this cant be what life is all about. I knew I was a slave to this way of living but as hard as I tried I couldn't get free. I lost control and I was sure I would end up in an insane asylum. Just as all hope seemed lost, I cried out to God. After years of torment and failed attempts to change my self, I asked God to fix me and help me to change and He answered my prayers. I started to seek Him diligently and I was finally set free! It wasn't a quick fix by any means because I had to learn to live differently. God has shown me a love I never thought I could have and I certainly don't deserve. I can't say I never have a negative thought but when I do I know where to go for help.
Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, WITH THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
It was the "with thanksgiving" part I struggled with but I found there are many reasons to be thankful if we take the time to think about it.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-MEDITATE on these things.

I had to really work on the meditating on GOOD things, because I was so use to dwelling on the negative things, but with God all things are possible.

1 John: 18-19
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us.

Ask the Lord to show you His amazing love and just wait on Him because He is faithful.

Isaiah 43:18
Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

God knows what this world can do to His children and His word says if we believe that He sent His only Son to die on the cross for our sins than we shall be forgiven. He promises to do a work in our lives that will be for our benefit if we seek Him. Shall we not know it? Don't miss out on the adventure of your life by sitting back and feeling sorry for your self.

1 John 5:4-5
For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world--our Faith! Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

Seek God and you will find you have been set free. Don't stop at the set free part keep walking with Him because I know this life would ruin me if I lived it apart from the One who created it.
There are so many wonderful verses but I'll let you look up the rest.